NFL Power Rankings: Ravens Are Bud Light, Most Teams Are Biden's White House
If you're reading this, you've survived the holidays and are just a few sleeps away from 2024. Round of applause for everyone! You did it. We did it. As a reward, we all get to sit back and enjoy the penultimate week of the NFL season.
Side note: penultimate is such an underrated word.
Anyway, welcome to Week 17 -- otherwise known as the week we used to end the season with but now we get an extra week of football, which nobody will ever complain about.
It's a good one, too! Dolphins-Ravens (gulp)? Lions-Cowboys? Saints-Bucs (sort of)? Chiefs-Bengals (whooooof)?
Let's ride, as former NFL starting QB Russell Wilson would say!
While we're not putting a bow on the regular season just yet, we are putting one on the calendar year. So, I think it's a good time to sit back and reminisce on all the good that came out of this world in 2023.
Just kidding!
Let's rank these 32 NFL teams while also giving props to some of the dumbest things that happened this year.
Unfortunately, this one was eaaaaaaasy to come up with. There was no dumbness shortage in 2023. Plenty of other shortages (thanks, Joe!), but idiocy wasn't one of them.
It's Week 17 NFL Power Rankings: the 'I Can't Believe That Really Happened This Year' edition!
Tier 1: The Bud Light celebrates becoming a woman by mocking women tier
*according to Colin Cowherd, who is maybe the dumbest sports person alive.
I mean, this is easily No. 1, right? And not just because it literally took down the No. 1 selling beer in America after a 20-year run, but because it's a larger symbol of how dumb this time period truly is that we're living in.
The transgender movement in this country -- if that's what you wanna call it -- really peaked in 2023. It's almost like all the liberals got together in a room (masked up, of course) back in January and said to themselves, 'This year, we go ALL IN on celebrating biological men turning into women, and anyone who gets in our way will be canceled immediately.'
And buddy, they NAILED it. Bud Light celebrated Dylan Mulvaney's 1-year anniversary of becoming a woman, actually mocked women in the process by essentially calling them dumb, and in return everyone stopped drinking that piss water and now they're pretty much nonexistent.
Again, it was peak 2023. Kudos.
The Ravens are obviously the top team in the league after humiliating Brock Purdy on national TV. Merry Christmas, Brock!
The Bills barely beat the awful Chargers on Saturday night but nobody actually noticed because who the hell pays for Peacock?
The Dan Campbells did it. They really did it. What a time to be alive. No shot Dan's ever touching a Bud Light again.
Colin wouldn't drink one anyways, but that's only because he's a big IPA guy. And by that I mean he says he "only drinks IPAs" in his stupid little condescending voice but then proceeds to sip on one for two hours and throws it away half-full.
Tier 2: The Deadspin tries to cancel a kid for being racist even though it knew he wasn't racist in the first place but still tried anyways tier
The idiots over at Deadspin are so predictable at this point that it's almost not even fun to mock them anymore.
Almost.
This one happened earlier this month, so I don't need to rehash it all for you. Some race-baiter over at that garbage site tried to cancel a kid even though he didn't do anything wrong, and then instead of admitting they were wrong they instead called OutKick sexist.
Seriously. Told you. It's sad.
Anyway, they eventually got threatened with lawsuits and weirdly that got the ball rolling on the whole apology thing. Was it even an apology? Not really. Just a quick headline change and editor's note, but whatever. Nobody reads that garbage anyway so who cares at this point.
Eagles won, but are they any good? I don't know at this point.
The Browns ... might be the best team in football. Who the hell knows anymore. Glad they finally found their franchise QB, though. Lock that rookie up for the next 10 years, Cleveland!
The Kansas City Chiefs are officially the most hateable team not only in the NFL, but maybe all of sports. Pat Mahomes bitches after every. single. play. Travis Kelce stinks. Honestly. I feel bad for Taylor Swift at this point. It's all so embarrassing.
Katie Miller!!!!
Tier 3: The Target selling tuck-bathing suits for kids and then losing billions because suburban moms finally had enough tier
If you ever wanted to see the whole if it ain't broke, don't fix it thing play out in real life, Target put on a SHOW this year.
The only people Target couldn't afford to ever piss off were the suburban moms. Like, you can anger the dads and the grandparents and the girlfriends, but not the moms. You need the moms.
And BAM -- they pissed off the moms (and really any sane person) last spring by selling pride merchandise to the kiddos and throwing in a couple tuck bathing suits to really hammer home the point.
It took a week for the stock to plummet to the tune of $15 billion, and it still hasn't recovered. Nobody talks about it because the left doesn't want to acknowledge the disaster, but I'll go ahead and tell you that it was, and still is, a disaster.
How about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?! Baker Baker The TD Maker is slinging the rock like he's back at Oklahoma. Glad they finally have a QB who can get them to the Super Bowl! Needed one after that scrub from last season.
Jags are toast. What a collapse.
The Jake Browning story lasted slightly longer than the Tommy DeVito one.
Gardner:
Tier 4: The Eventbrite loves a good pro-Hamas rally but hates Riley Gaines tier
*NFC South teams we're all praying lose this week.
Maybe my favorite story of the year, and that's saying something. I mainly loved this one because by the end of it, the crazy Eventbrite CEO had basically melted down on social media for the entire world to see. What a day.
Anyway, OutKick called out the ticketing company for prohibiting Riley Gaines from promoting her speaking event on saving women's sports, while at the same time allowing listings for pro-Hamas events.
Seemed a little bit silly to us, and when we called them out all hell broke loose and their looney CEO went NUTS on Elon's Twitter. He looked like an ass in front of everyone, which was pretty funny to watch. Good times.
What a world we live in.
Anyway, Russell Wilson's been benched in Denver by best buddy Sean Payton, while the Raiders are somehow still alive for the AFC West title. Please let it happen, NFL Gods.
Saints-Bucs this week will be the annual NFC South 8-7 vs. 7-8 elimination game. Can't wait.
Put me in a foxhole with Jaire -- love this dude. What balls.
Tier 5: The Joe Biden restoring 'honor and decency' to the White House tier
It was a BANNER year for our current president, who made this bold statement way back in 2020:
This year alone, Joe Biden's White House has been a hotbed for cocaine, seen transgender influencer Rose Montoya flash her boobs on the front lawn, put out some sort of weird Hunger Games Christmas video, and he wore a mask -- a MASK -- as recently as September.
What a run! Check and mate. Nice work!
Look, all these teams NFL stink, but at least the Vikings are still somewhat fun to watch and Justin Fields is still pretty cool. Other than that, it's a slog.
Can't believe the Tommy DeVito train already derailed. Sad.
The Sam Howell one lasted longer than I thought, so kudos to him.
The Chargers-Bills game was actually a good one last Saturday even though nobody could watch it.
I legitimately had to look up the Panthers score. Didn't even know they played.
Happy New Year, ya animals. See you next year!
(I despise when people make that joke).
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.