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Orlando Bloom Is Already Whining About Lack Of Sex With Kate Perry & They’re Not Even Married!

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Orlando Bloom, 44, issued a cry for help during a recent Guardian interview where he revealed a rather disturbing detail about his relationship with fiancée Katy Perry, 36. When asked how often the two superstars get a bang session in, Bloom fired back with “not enough – we just had a baby, though.”

Knowing what I know about Hollywood and how these people operate, this is just about all the evidence I need to assume Bloom will eventually part ways with yet another baby mama. The real question is: Will Bloom even make it to the wedding chapel with Perry?

Bloom has already been down the baby mama path with Miranda Kerr. Kerr and Bloom got married in 2010, had a kid in January 2011 and were separated by October 2013. Some guys can handle the ‘married with children’ streets, while others just aren’t built for the long haul associated with raising a kid: the exhaustion, the drama, the shitty diapers, the nights laying on the couch wondering what the hell you got yourself into, the years of wondering when things will get fun again.

Even with nannies, aides, chefs, handlers, etc. to take the pressure off because they’re rich, it doesn’t mean Bloom’s just going to get right back to banging like normal. I’d argue that this guy isn’t even built for monogamy. He just doesn’t come off as a guy who belongs to the ‘one relationship for the rest of my life’ kind of guy.

I’m thinking he’s more of a Tom Cruise guy who gets married three times for some dumb reason and then he’s miserable for a few years only to realize he’s rich and can fly the kids in to visit whenever he wants.

Other signals from the Guardian interview that Bloom-Perry is headed for splitsville:

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My son, Flynn, and my daughter, Daisy Dove, a dog called Mighty and then, of course, my fiancée.

What was the best kiss of your life?
I had a girlfriend when I was 17 called Debbie: that was a kiss.

When were you happiest?
When I was about to embark on filming The Lord Of The Rings, prior to any kind of fame or notoriety, full of hope and dreams, and excitement of the adventures ahead.

Friendly advice, my man: Just go ahead and end it now with Katy. Don’t pretend that this is going to work. You need to be jet setting around the world, picking off international models left and right. You clearly aren’t the type of guy who’ll just settle into married life where Thursday nights are for mowing, Friday nights are for relaxing on the patio after an exhausting week of chasing a kid around and not getting any sex. Saturdays are for working in the garage, having a few beers to get a nice buzz to take away the pain over the lack of sex, and Sunday is for recovery from the rest of the week.

Expected separation date: January 2022. I have a hunch a nanny will be the culprit. I’ve seen it happen so many times.

 

Written by Joe Kinsey

I'm an Ohio guy, born in Dayton, who roots for Ohio State and can handle you guys destroying the Buckeyes, Urban Meyer and everything associated with Columbus.

15 Comments

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  1. Katy Perry: great figure, pretty face, but weird. Perpetually unhappy because she’s attractive but not “taken seriously”. Goes out of her way to be un-sexy (I mean look at those pics). Wants an alpha but has a personality only a beta can deal with. Now her clock is ticking. Performance is most def sub-par (“that’s all you think about!”). Yuck. Yeah I’ll take the under, too.

  2. The spoiled brat brigade deserve each other. Get a group of them together and you have a circle jerk of misery. Not sure how this flake gets a tampon into his penis, but he is the creative type. Things will work out in the manor flakes like these twits deserve them to work out. Self absorbed narcistic bliss. Good luck to all ya’all.

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