Sugar Is Bad, Capitals Rush Alex Ovechkin's Retirement, And Bill Belichick May Have Snagged Another Ring

It’s Saturday morning, which means there’s no better time to get caught up on all the news you need to know from the week that was, which is precisely what The Punch-Up is here for.

What a week it has been.

Science made a shocking discovery about sugar, the Washington Capitals accidentally announced that Alex Ovechkin is retiring, Bill Belichick may have gone ring shopping, and more.

So, what do you say? 

Shall we dive right in?

A man was arrested in New York City for allegedly holding an Italian businessman hostage for weeks and torturing him, even threatening to cut off his limbs with an electric chainsaw. The prosecution said they'd seek a lighter sentence since at least he was thinking green.

New contact lenses being developed will allow the wearer to see in the dark. It’s already being called the biggest advancement in perv technology since someone discovered cutting a hole in the bottom of a popcorn bucket.

Turkey has announced that it will start fining people who stand up on flights too soon after landing. As a result, Spirit Airlines has been banned from operating in the country.

A naked woman threw bottles at guests in a Washington, DC hotel because her "Lord and Savior" Michael Jackson, told her to. In fairness, if Jackson is getting people to do his bidding from beyond the grave, this was probably a best-case scenario.

The CEO of dating app Tinder says that the company is changing its direction as Gen Z isn’t into hooking up. He says that if sex isn’t selling, then he has no goddamn clue what will.

Miami Marlins infielder Ronny Simon was seen crying on the field after making several errors in a game against the San Diego Padres. So, it turns out there is crying in baseball, and it’s most likely to happen if you play for the Marlins.

Arianna Grande will reportedly appear in the fourth installment of the Meet the Parents series. Grande says that she’s eager to get to work on what is arguably the most unnecessary sequel since Caddyshack II.

Pacers star Tyrese Haliburton asked WNBA star Sue Bird for advice ahead of the playoffs. Haliburton said he went to Bird because of her experience, her insights, and because none of the dudes he called picked up.

Got all of that?

Good, see you back here next week.