The Punch-Up w/ Matt Reigle: February 15

What a week it was, and what better way to get up to speed on everything that happened than with the latest edition of the column my mom called, "cute," The Punch-Up!

Really, is there any week like the Super Bowl? Not if you ask me. There’s nothing like bidding adieu to another football season by nearly putting yourself into a coma with homemade Stromboli, hot wing dip, and your beverage of choice.

I’ll tell you what, as one of those annoying guys who grew up cheering for two teams — the Chicago Bears and the Philadelphia Eagles (my teams are the yin and yang of success) — I sure enjoyed Super Bowl LIX. 

Hell, even a couple of commercials got some chuckles out of me. That Totino’s Pizza Rolls one with Tim Robinson was great. It was easily the best commercial with an alien getting killed by a mechanical door that I’ve seen in at least the last three or four years. Maybe even five.

But there was plenty more to recap and joke about, so let’s get right to it…

Kendrick Lamar handled halftime show duties during the Super Bowl. I don’t know if it was good or bad though, I was too busy trying to google why he hates Drake so much.

Taylor Swift fans have left bad reviews of a restaurant belonging to the mother of Eagles safety CJ Gardner-Johnson after he criticized the singer. Fortunately, since they’re such big fans of Taylor Swift’s music, no one will take their opinions on anything seriously.

The Steelers and Raiders are the betting favorites to be quarterback Aaron Rodgers’ next team. I’d lean toward Pittsburgh; I hear ayahuasca is the only thing that can make a Primanti sandwich palatable. 

A recent Bryan Adams concert was canceled due to a large sewer blockage comprised of fat, grease, and rags. "Guys, I have a name," said Lyft-suing rapper, Denk Demoss.

Secretary of Education nominee Linda McMahon confirmed that she will fight to keep men out of women’s sports. When asked how she’d do it, McMahon said a couple of German suplexes and a powerbomb should do the trick.

Three Illegal migrants have been indicted in connection with a burglary at Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow’s home. They said they looked everywhere for his Super Bowl ring, but he must have just hidden it really, really well.

Saudi Arabia has announced there will not be any alcohol sales when they host the World Cup in 2034. This news means that 2034 will mark the first time anyone tries to enjoy a soccer match while sober.

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Got all of that?

Perfect. I’ll see you back here next week for another round of The Punch-Up.