Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag to arrive and rescue you from your work, school, or life doldrums.

As always you can send your anonymous mailbag questions to me at claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Okay, let’s roll.

“I have two younger brothers who are 13 and 15. I have made a few jokes about them watching porn and naturally they act like they don’t watch it, which I think is a lie. One time my Dad heard one of the jokes and said “They better not!”

As a Dad, what age would you “let” your kids watch porn, aka turn a blind eye to it if you found out? Would your answer change if you had daughters instead of sons?”

This is a tough one.

Because certainly I remember being a teenage boy and trying to get a Playboy magazine or watching the scrambled screen pay per view TV — “IS THAT A BLUE BOOB!” — on old school cable boxes.

But damn it, we had to work for our porn back in the day. Getting a Playboy magazine was the equivalent of earning a purple heart of porn. You had to scheme your ass off to get access to female nudity back in the day.

But now it’s all so easily accessed on the Internet.

And it’s also WAY more graphic than anything we had access to as well.

Plus, don’t even get me started on the idea that teenage girls you knew WILL SEND YOU NUDE PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES. Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know how much time I spent mentally undressing every good looking girl in every class I ever had from 7th grade to law school and now there are nude photos everywhere? I can’t even imagine going back in time and telling my high school self about the future.

I know every guy thinks he was born like twenty years too early when it comes to sex, but, come on, has sex ever been easier than now?

I’m just glad I have three boys instead of three girls. If I was going to have three teenage daughters instead I’d want to go ahead and turn the car on in the garage and inhale deeply.

I have no idea how dads of only daughters get out of bed every morning. Even if you’re not a gun guy I think you need to buy like fifty of them and bring every boy down to your gun storage vault and explain that you aren’t above committing murder.

You need rumors to circulate in the neighborhood that you used to be in the CIA and killed dozens of men with your bare hands. If I were a dad of teenage girls I’d want the boys dating my girls to be absolutely terrified of me.

Anyway, back to your question, I think I’m going to have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy once they get to be like 14 or 15 years old. I’m going to assume the porn viewing is going on, but I’m also going to assume my sons are smart enough not to let me know it’s going on.

Now I can’t speak for what their mom is going to say, but she probably isn’t going to be as lenient as me. See, I think I turned out pretty well, but your wife never thinks that. Your wife wants her kids to be way better than you are because, truth be told, about half the time your wife hates you.

Which is why I can guarantee you I’m not going to get in a fight with my wife OVER ONE OF MY SON’S PORN HABITS. I’m going to agree with whatever she says about ways to limit their porn viewing even though I know it’s not going to work. (Sure, we could set up some kind of parental controls on their devices, but they are all way smarter with those devices than we are. For a guy who makes a living on the Internet, I can barely turn on an iPad. My wife has screen limits on their devices now, but they all find out ways to break those controls and then this leads to fights over screen time and I’m just over those fights.)

Look, my kids may end up total failure over having had access to their iPads too much during the lockdown, but you know what, I think I’d choose that over my wife strangling one of them to death back in April. Parenting is like being in a constant NCAA tournament that never ends, you just try to survive and advance. It really doesn’t matter how much you win a game by.

Right now if my kids are taking a bath at least once every three days and they aren’t hacking into Twitter accounts and selling things via bitcoin on the dark web which leads to federal agents kicking down our doors and arresting them, I consider it a win.

The other day my 12 year old asked me what bitcoin was and I told him if he ever bought bitcoin he was going to hell.

He’s not even that religious, but I’ve got to keep bitcoin out of my house as long as possible. Because as soon as bitcoin is here it’s only a matter of time until my son is trading chemical weapons and buying midgets in Tijuana.

That’s how it always ends with bitcoin.

So I’m not getting involved in their porn habits. And whatever their mom says I’m 100% supporting it. Hell, you think I’m letting my wife get mad and not sleep with me for a week because we’re fighting over our one of our kid’s jerk off habits?

Talk about cockblocking.

And I’m not even going to have that extensive of a birds and bees talk either. I’m just going to tell them what I was told when I was a teenager, “If you have sex before you get married, you will get AIDS and die.”

“My fiancée and I are getting married September 26th. Our plan was to go Sandals in Jamaica as our honeymoon. Since you’re the all-knowing corona expert I wanted to get your thoughts on going out of the country during this. The resort is still open, and we have no fear of traveling at all. Our only concern would be the fact that they can test “at their discretion.” We would hate to be quarantined the whole trip for being asymptomatic. Granted, it doesn’t sound too bad for me (more sex). I have never been out of the country before, so I would love to do some excursions though. What do you think…would you DBAP and go? Or would you reschedule and stay in the country?”

First of all, I’m not an expert on international travel right now so I’m not sure what the rules are for travel to different countries. I did, however, confirm that Jamaica is open back to travelers now so I don’t get a ton of emails from people complaining about my Jamaica answer. (People love to critique my anonymous mailbag answers, especially psychiatrists and psychologists. They’re always like, “I’m sorry, are you a clinical psychologist?” And I always write back — actually I never write back to emails, but let’s pretend I did — “Do you think I’d be responding to anonymous mailbag questions for free if I was paid to psychoanalyze people?”)

Anyway, I’ve already traveled on an airplane — back in May down to Florida — and I’d be completely fine getting on a plane and flying anywhere right now. (I’d also be fine taking my family anywhere on a plane too.)

You’ve never been out of the country and Jamaica has had virtually no issues with the coronavirus at all. (Their current rate of death in the country is four per million, which is lower than any American state). So the risk to Jamaica is definitely from you arriving in their country, not from you getting sick while you’re there.

Plus, let’s think about this from Jamaica’s perspective — unless you arrive sick on their island there is virtually no chance they are going to quarantine you. The last thing they want is American tourists going back home and telling people they shouldn’t go to the island because they have to be quarantined for their entire vacation.

All of Jamaica is reliant on tourism as the lifeblood of their economy, which probably means American tourists are going to show up down there and immediately spread the virus like wild fire.

So I’d go on your honeymoon and I’d also also plan on fun excursions off the resort too.

But if you do get quarantined, it’s your honeymoon. This means that literally all you can do is watch TV and have sex.

There are worst ways to spend a vacation.

Like with kids anywhere.

“I’m a 35 year old married man, father of two. After my second child was born last year I knew I didn’t want any more children. My wife wanted one more but I was adamant that I was done. Earlier this year I got a vasectomy to make sure there wouldn’t be any more kids!

This is where my question comes in. Obviously my procedure and the pain was nothing compared to child birth and I told my wife that but she is convinced it wasn’t painful at all and I was milking it. Anyway, isn’t the one positive of getting a vasectomy the fact that you don’t have to pull out ever again!? I mean, what guy wants to get snipped and still have to pull out during sex!? My wife said from the beginning, “no, you’re going to pull out sometimes too.” So we disagreed. She still gets mad if I don’t pull out (which I refuse to do). My question for you and all the readers out there…who’s wrong in this situation? Me for not pulling out or her for saying I should and being mad when I don’t?”

I think the number one benefit of getting a vasectomy — aside from not having any more kids — is not having to wear condoms ever again. I think the second best benefit, at least in theory, would be never having to pull out again during sex.

I haven’t gotten a vasectomy because I’d be fine having a fourth kid and I’m not opposed to my wife getting pregnant again. (My wife is very opposed to getting pregnant again and might well kill me if she does, but just FYI).

I’m curious what your wife’s perspective is on this.

Why is she insisting on you pulling out? I don’t really understand her logic here. She understands that you can’t have kids now, right? So what’s she afraid of?

Some women reading this right now might be thinking, “Why does it matter, anyway?”

It’s because pulling out right as you reach the point of orgasm is like getting to eat a great dessert and then biting your tongue on the final bite. Yes, the dessert can still be good, but it doesn’t end nearly as well.

Put simply: if you stop thrusting right as the orgasm happens, it’s a less satisfying orgasm.

That’s why I think you should agree to compromise: You will pull out, but you finish every time on her face.

Seems fair.

(Good luck making this argument with a straight face, by the way).

(Related: whoever started the myth that ejaculation on a woman’s face was good for her skin is the most dangerous sociopath of all time. I have no idea how this rumor started, but just think about the balls on the first guy to argue this. I mean, just a stone cold sociopathic assassin.)

“Thanks for fighting the good fight against the Coronabros, but I think that sports show that the Coronabros are winning. Yes, sports are technically back, but there are no fans. Plus, the NBA and NHL are in bubbles. After 4.5 months of lockdown and study after study showing that we should simply quarantine the at-risk (and those who live with these people and cannot make other arrangements), the sports world is implicitly telling people to be scared and stay home.

The sports world is freaking people out over positive tests for asymptomatic people. Testing asymptomatic people and keeping fans out of sporting events keeps the national panic level at 10 out of 10, and there is no sign of that abating. If we are not back to normal now (four months after “flattening they curve”), when the heck will we be? How do you honestly think that the Coronabros are losing?”

The coronabros are losing because they don’t want sports back at all.

Deep down the coronabros, even if most of them won’t admit it, don’t believe we should be playing sports at all. They want all sports to cease operating because they’ve bought into the idea that we can’t do anything at all until there’s a vaccine. That’s why they share every remotely negative story about the coronavirus the minute it hits their Twitter feeds.

The coronabros don’t want to leave their house until there’s a vaccine.

They’re horrified at the idea that as soon as I finish this column I’m heading to my gym, where I’ve been working out for months now, and then I’m going to eat lunch out in a restaurant, as I’ve been doing for months, and that I’m going to be fine, like I have been for months now.

The biggest story in sports so far, at least to me, is the fact that I’m not aware of a single athlete who has tested positive and has needed to be hospitalized.

Not one!

I focus on the risk of death, but it’s also worth pointing out that no athlete is experiencing serious danger when they test positive.

Now, importantly, this doesn’t mean that couldn’t happen.

I hope it doesn’t happen not just because I don’t want anyone to get seriously ill, but also because the coronabros in sports media will lose their minds if someone tests positive and has a serious negative result. They’ll use that athlete as evidence of why all sports must be shut down and why no one can go back to school or work ever again.

But in the meantime I’m happy that sports are occurring at all and view the return of sports as a big loss for the coronabros.

Having said that, I do think it’s an interesting question asking what we are gaining by testing asymptomatic people all the time. What percentage of MLB players who have tested positive so far would have continued to play with zero issues? I think it’s nearly 100%. (And it may actually be 100%). If that’s true, what are we actually gaining by testing people who don’t feel sick?

Sure, the virus is not spreading to as many people — although the Marlins might provide ample evidence testing doesn’t help much with that too — but if the virus is spreading to people and they never know they have it, is that really a bad thing? Wouldn’t that get teams to herd immunity in a rapid fashion, which would eventually mean no games would need to be canceled at all? It seems to me that players should just be told to stay away from the elderly and they’d be fine even if we weren’t testing them every day.

This is why I haven’t viewed the outbreaks in Texas and Florida to be as terrifying as most in the media. It’s impossible to stop a virus from spreading without either a vaccine or herd immunity. Those are the only ways this virus ends. If anything, we should be hoping the people who get it are young and healthy because we know their outcomes are going to be much better than the elderly who get it. (Trust me, we all wish the virus would vanish, but that hasn’t happened so far. It appears to me that you need a certain level of spread in communities before that occurs. Which is why the only real defense we have other than a vaccine is herd immunity.)

“Hey Clay, I have a situation with a friend of mine and I wonder if you could give me some advice. (I am 18 and he is 17 for context) I have a buddy who has cheapskate tendencies. For example, a group of us were eating at Chipotle recently and he went over to the trashcan and began digging in there for other people’s receipts so he could go on the app and take their reward points. He seemed surprised that none of the rest of us were copying him.

Another time was when we were at the local amusement park and he began to search through the big black trash cans looking for a cardboard ICEE cup so that he would not have to go pay to get a drink. I was uncomfortable and hinted that he was looking kinda strange zig zagging across the pavement, he did not care and was determined to find a cup.

The final time was when a group of us were at another restaurant. He gets a water then immediately goes over to the bathroom and dumps it into the toilet just leaving the ice. A few minutes later he goes and asks for a refill of sweet tea. He was baffled that none of the rest of us were trying to get in on a great deal. Am I overreacting for having an issue with these behaviors or am I the one that needs to hustle harder? I enjoy being friends with him, so I do not want to make it a huge deal that he could get super mad at me over, but what is my move here?”

I think you are probably overreacting.

Your friend is cheap and socially awkward.

But he is 17 years old.

At some point he will realize that being cheap and socially awkward is a bad combo to pick up girls.

In the meantime, his over the top cheapness, is probably a method to attract attention and perform petty acts of rebellion. The more you pay attention to it, the more he’ll do it.

Heck, he’s probably reading the anonymous mailbag right now like, “Score!”

“Hi Clay, I’ve been following you ever since you started calling out the fake hunger strike at the University of Missouri a few years ago. I have noticed that you seem to be correct on most of your opinions. However, there have to be some times where you are wrong. (After all we are all human, none of us are perfect.) My question is what are your thoughts on admitting that you were wrong? Have you ever admitted that your opinion was incorrect? I think you and President Trump have these two things in common: you have a rare set of balls that prevents you from bowing down to the mob no matter what, but you also don’t like to admit that you were wrong. While the Bible instructs us to confess our sins, that is near impossible to do today, especially for someone with the influence that you have, because there is no such thing as forgiveness or mercy on twitter. Even if you admit your mistakes, your reputation is severely diminished as cancel culture is starting to take over even for just one bad take. Would love to hear your thoughts.”

All of us in sports get opinions wrong all the time. That’s easy to track because my opinions are on the record every day in sports gambling. Yesterday I had the Grizz +4.5 and Braves and Dodgers money line bets and lost all three games.

To me, there’s nothing wrong with an opinion being wrong, especially in sports.

But I don’t think anyone should ever apologize for opinions being wrong so long as they are based on reasonable facts. The only thing I ever apologize for is when I get facts wrong or when facts change invalidating the opinion I build upon them. For instance, I apologized to everyone for believing China and the WHO’s initial reports on the coronavirus when it came to Chinese deaths. We now know those initial reports were built on lies and I believed those lies to build an inaccurate opinion on covid’s impact in the United States.

I wish I’d had better information out of China because it would have led my opinions back in March to be more accurate.

If you regularly listen to the radio show or my program, you’ll hear me admit when I was wrong on a regular basis. And I always try to correct facts I got that were wrong.

Here’s the larger thing to remember about our society today, people who don’t like you don’t want you to actually apologize for being wrong, they want to destroy you and your influence because they don’t like what you represent.

That’s why most demands for apologies aren’t actually about the apology, they’re about trying to destroy you.

No one likes to admit they were wrong, but it’s actually healthy to do so when you get something wrong. Because it helps you get more right going forward. Which is why I’m constantly reviewing factual information and reconsidering all my prior opinions, in sports or otherwise.

Where I think I’m substantially different with Donald Trump is getting my facts right is incredibly important to me. Trump is often very haphazard when it comes to deploying facts to strengthen his opinions. I think all good opinions have to be built on a solid foundation of facts.

One of the things that troubles me about society today is that regardless of your politics most people are arguing based on feelings as opposed to facts.

And emotional arguments typically fail. At least when people use their brains to consider those arguments.

Thanks for reading and, as always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

11 Comments

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  1. Absolutely the funniest mailbag ever! I do have a question that I can’t figure out. What is that thing you say at the end of your podcast? DVAP or SVAP what does that mean?

  2. I have always said to others when my daughter starts dating, I only have to threaten or accidentally shoot the first boy, that word will filter down from there. My son is two years older than her and enjoys being her protector, so maybe I’ll just buy him a gun and let him do it. Minors get off easier anyway.

    The funniest mailbag I can remember in ages. I really needed this today.

  3. I’m always amazed about married couple arguing about children. What did they talk about when they were dating? Aren’t you supposed to be on the same page with these sorts of life decisions before you get married?

  4. Clay,
    I love you man, but you whiffed with the porn.

    Would you let your boys start drinking alcohol at 13 or 14? What about smoking? Pornography is as addictive as those to the young brain, if not worse.

    It will create a misrepresentation of reality that will never be able to be satisfied by their future partner.

    Porn addiction has led to so many issues that plague our society: sexual abuse, children out of wedlock, divorce, infidelity, STDs. Come on man, you can do better.

    As a dad, you’ve got to set your sons up for success in life, and turning a blind eye, or encouraging porn in their youth is not going to do that. This is something you need to SBAP about and reconsider how you can set them up for a healthy future.

  5. Hey Clay,
    TOO FUNNY…”Hey Hon…I’m gonna be in the garage for a bit…now where did I put those keys?”.
    The whole mailbag and your takes were GREAT!!!
    The only thing I would push back on regarding the president (lol of course it would be that) is that he’s in briefings and is having conversations and meetings all day long. When he was doing press briefings (before covid) the Q&A was always a gotcha scheme by the WH press corps, and when he would riff about something he oft times gave half answers because he would be thinking of the next response or what he should have said 3 questions ago. And then the fact checkers want to hammer every thing he says. ACTIONS…big difference between words and actions. Just sayin’…thank you, Clay, for making OUTKICK a great one stop shop for everything.

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