Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always, you can email me your questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity assured. 

Okay, on to the mailbag. 

“My wife and I recently made the trip to Gatlinburg for the weekend. Of course, we had to go drop $300 on decorations at the Christmas Village shops. Which seems like hell, but can be made more fun by trying to identify which stage of grief the other guys are in. Depending on how long they’ve been in there.

Which leads to my problem. We bought one of those “Elf on the Shelf” toys. We open it at home and it’s a black elf doll. They apparently have different races and genders but the box only indicates which gender. We are both white.

It’s not like it would be bad if we had a black elf moving around the house every night. But we just feel duped. Like the race doesn’t matter enough to indicate on the box. But matters enough that they would make different race elves.

It’s a common product that we could likely just exchange at Target. But I’m not looking forward to the awkwardness at the return desk. I feel like recent PC culture would tell us it doesn’t matter.

How would you handle this?

(Side thought, would there even be non-white elves?  They are creatures that live exclusively in the North Pole. What is the likelihood that another-race of human breeds with an elf?)”

And, proving that we bring everyone together, the wife also emailed me about the black elf on a shelf dilemma. 

“He’s black, we’re white. I didn’t even think to look. I guess that’s part of my white privilege. Anyway, I spent $30 on this and was expecting a white one and now I’m stuck wondering if I get rid of it will people think I’m being racist because I want a white elf instead of a black elf? If I keep it and put it up in our house, people will think it’s weird right? What should we do? Or is this not a dilemma and we should just roll with it. Really need your help on this one.”

I feel like we could do the entire mailbag on this question, can a white person return a black elf on a shelf to get a white elf on a shelf without being considered racist? That should be in the new season of “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” honestly.  

This reminds me of my dilemma several years ago when I was dressing up as Alan from “The Hangover” and I needed a baby to put in my baby carrier. You’ll recall that in the movie he carried around a white baby he named “Carlos” and put sunglasses on him. 

I was heading to the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party and needed an easy costume for Georgia-Florida weekend.

And this was the easiest possible costume. (My buddy Tardio wore hospital scrubs with R.E. Form as his nametag and went as “Health Care Reform.” No one got it. Seriously, this was the worst costume ever. Everyone just thought he was dressed up as a doctor, which, to be fair, he should have been). 

Anyway, at the time of this trip we were living in a black neighborhood in downtown Nashville so I just ran to the local Family Dollar to buy a cheap, toy baby. Only, you guessed it, they only had black babies for sale. So there I am pulling out all the toy black babies in an aisle looking for a white baby doll.

The only way the Alan costume works is with a white baby, right?

And as soon as I start tearing through the babies I’m thinking, “Can I go ask the middle-aged black woman working at the front desk if they have a white baby in storage? Is that a racist question? What are the odds she’s seen “The Hangover” and would understand my costume? Is it racist to assume she wouldn’t have seen “The Hangover?” (I didn’t ask her, instead I went on a white baby hunt and ultimately found a white toy baby at Walgreen’s nearby.) 

Prior to that, by the way, we lived in the Virgin Islands and they only had black Santa Clauses at the KMart there. You know the decorations I’m talking about, right? The tall plastic Santas that light up that you can put on your porch. 

All they had was black Santas down there in the Caribbean where 90% of all the people on the island are black. 

So we were walking through the store around the holidays and my wife left to go get something else and when she came back I had a huge black Santa Claus in our shopping cart. And I was like, “This would look great on our porch.”

And she was like, “No.”

Because she’s racist and I’m not.

So, anyway, you have a real dilemma here.

The easiest way to solve it is by taking it back to the store and making a big show of returning the elf by saying, “My husband already bought an elf on the shelf! We don’t need two!” (You could even play it up even more and have your wife claim her husband was black too, but I think that’s overselling it.) Then you get your refund for the black elf on a shelf and and go buy a white elf on a shelf somewhere else. (Don’t these packages open and reveal the elf inside? We have one of these motherfuckers that we have to move every night and my six year old is always demanding another one so I’ve seen the packaging and I know some of them open to reveal what your elf looks like. You might have just blown it.)

Side note, have you ever stood in front of the dildos in a Hustler store? (Come on, of course I have). They have multiple race dildos. Of course the black dildo needs a damn kickstand to use. But they also have a dildo that’s called the Asian micro penis. I mean, dildo penis stereotyping?! It’s one thing if the stereotype is positive, but, damn, I felt bad for Asian men.

Also, who buys the tiny dildo?

What woman out there is like, “You know what fantasy I have? Of screwing myself with a tiny penis.”

(Right now a ton of mailbag readers are like, “Hey, I’m your man!”)

This has to be men buying the tiny penis dildos, right? Trying to fool their wives into believing they actually have gigantic penises? “I’m telling you the truth, honey. That’s what most penises are like. You have no idea how lucky you are.”

Which got me thinking, does anyone ever return a dildo? (I mean an unopened dildo still in the package). There has to be someone reading this who got the black kickstand dildo as a Christmas present and was like, “My God, this thing will puncture my lungs,” and wanted to return it but was afraid that returning a black dildo would be racist, right?

So, what I’m saying here is, it could be much worse to have another product to return. 

Personally I would keep the black elf on a shelf and accuse anyone who mentions it of being racist. There’s nothing better than being a white person and being able to accuse other white people of being racist. I’m convinced this is like 99% of why white social justice warriors vote Democrat, just so they can accuse other white people of being racist. This was also the basis of the entire Ben Carson and Herman Cain presidential campaigns. So white Republicans could be like, “See, we’re not racist against Obama, we like black people too. That’s why we want the Dominos Pizza CEO and this random surgeon to be president.” 

Final question, do you guys have kids? If not, I think it’s weirder for two adults to have an elf on a shelf at all, no matter what race it is. Trust me, one day you’ll have kids who want an elf. There’s no way I’d have one before then.      

“I’m in my senior year of college the night before the Duke at North Carolina football game. I am at one of the bars in chapel hill getting slammed when I notice a cute girl wearing a Duke shirt.

I start to hit on her and we are really hitting things off. Eventually things escalate a bit and I have the brilliant idea to convince her to sneak into the football stadium with me to check out the spot where her football team was going to get fucked the next day. 

One thing leads to another and I end up fucking her in the south end zone. After we finished up I climbed on top of the field goal and got her to take a picture. I have attached the picture and do not mind if you post it due to the fact that I have scribbled out my face. 

@ClayTravis What a picture. The anonymous mailbag is glorious. pic.twitter.com/PWSEOfzbtt

— Clay Travis (@ClayTravis) November 29, 2016

So here is my question, how many other college students can say they have had their naked testicles on the goal post of their school the night before a rivalry game? Or any night for that matter? Gotta be pretty low right? This picture is shared every year in my fraternity and my friends think it is one of the best stories they’ve heard. Just wondering how rare you think this actually is?”

I love that putting your balls on the goal post is your question.

Not what percentage of people do you think bang a girl who roots for the opposing team on the football field the night before the rivalry game? Which has to be infinitely rarer.

Also, can you imagine this poor girl talking to her friends the next day?

She had to be like, “I have GOT to stop drinking. So I met some guy from UNC at the bar and then we went to the football field and had sex and then, y’all aren’t going to believe this, he climbed up on the goal post naked and got me to take his picture because he wanted to put his balls on the crossbar. Seriously, can I pick them or can I pick them? I’m never getting married.”

Also, yes, this is the picture.

God bless Outkick readers.  

“A good friend of mine from high school knocked up a girl a couple years ago. And as most southern men do when this happens he married her at the courthouse. How romantic. Well fast forward to now and they are divorced (what a surprise) and he rarely sees the kid.

Well this very attractive woman has now locked her eyes on me. She’s chasing me the way Tennessee should be chasing Bobby Petrino. Anyways, if I decide to do the deed and completely outkick my coverage I might be ruining a friendship. I mean this is his ex wife and mother of his son.

So you what do you and your perfect hair suggest I do?”

If you date anyone’s ex-wife you have to assume that your friendship with her ex-husband is over. And that he might kill you one night in a drunken, jealous rage.  

So do you like him or her more?

Also, is it worth dying over this girl?

Pick one.

You can’t have both.

 

“Hi Clay!  Married female early 40’s here! LOVE your anonymous mailbag. I just wanted to add my thoughts on the husband who wanted to wear the chastity belt with his wife. I think you missed the mark on this one a bit. Sounds like her husband is showing signs of wanting to be dominated by his wife. He may have had a secret fetish for a while of being dominated and this may be just his way of first bringing it up and working it into their relationship. I bet you if she brought out a cat o’ nine tails whip he’d be down on all fours before she could blink.”

There you go. 

It’s just like the opening scene of “Billions.”

Also, what percentage of married men have zero instant in bondage, but would let their wives whip them if it meant more regular sex? I’m going with at least 75%. 

“Clay, I read your stuff religiously. Weird to say, since I’m a pastor.

I know you’re a big proponent of the good dick day. I have to admit, I’m just above average, no complaints from the wife. There’s a category I’d fall under, “grower not a shower” where good dick days almost never happen. In your gayest opinion, for the growers, what would count as a good dick day for a grower not a shower? Is it morning wood? Or is it more like when a woman sees it go from zero to hero and gives the surprised/satisfied “oh my!!”?

Find me a place other than Outkick where pastors write in about good dick days. 

Impossible to do. (Well done on the religiously pun there too.)

Okay, you’re taking this a bit too literally. 

A good dick day is primarily defined by more than average blood flow in your dick. So the term “good dick day,” is a bit of a misnomer, it’s more like a good dick moment or a bad dick moment.

Think of it this way, your dick is constantly changing sizes all day, right?

When is the time that you would most want someone to see your dick? That’s a good dick day.

When is the time that you would most hate for someone to see your dick? That’s a bad dick day.

So in reality all men are constantly cycling from good to bad dick days all day long.

…

Thanks for reading Outkick.

Send your emails to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.