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We’ve made it to my favorite class of the week, and I’ve even brought in a brand new teacher to help me keep things moving. She goes by several names, but we all know here as Wood Bunni — the OutKick-proclaimed No. 1 ranked woodworker in the world.
How about that for an assembly?!
Welcome to a Friday edition of Nightcaps — otherwise known as the one I mail in because we’re all already checked out by the time this goes live. Just kidding!
I don’t mail anything in around here, especially when I check the calendar and see there are only TWO more of these before we get our first actual football game since the Super Bowl.
That’s right. I did the math, carried the one, double-checked it and I’m right. Exactly 20 days from today, the NFL Hall of Fame game kicks off. Browns vs. Jets. 8 p.m. from Canton.
Who’s ready for some Zach Wilson vs. Jacoby Brissett?! Wait, no. That’s wrong.
Who’s ready for some Zach Wilson vs. Josh Dobbs?!
Hell yes we are.
Will I watch more than two series? Probably not. But buddy, don’t you think for one second I ain’t tuning in for a little taste.
Let’s see. I just spent six graphs on the single most meaningless football game every year, which doesn’t even happen for another 20 days. If that doesn’t scream July 14, I don’t know what does.
We’ll get to Wood Bunni here in a bit. I think we should also check in on McDonalds to see if everyone’s OK over there, because we may or may not have a hostage situation on our hands.
What else? You guys wanna learn about head reattachment surgery? Good, because you’re about to.
How about Disney’s new live action Snow White movie with the wildest group of “dwarfs” you’ve ever seen? Duh. That’s right down our alley.
Oh yeah, we also have a new Coors girl. She ain’t Mulvaney, but who is?
I think that’s enough to get us started. Head on up the front of the class and sharpen your pencils with the old metal sharpener attached to the wall and get to crankin’!
Class is in session.
Wood Bunni has a new career
It’s been a minute since we checked in with Wood Bunni, and — again — it’s July 14, so this is where we are.
For those who need a refresher, she’s an Instagram and TikTok woodworker who’s also referred to herself as the ‘Bikini Carpenter.’ OutKick identified her at the start of 2023, so we might as well check back in now that we’re halfway home.
And, right on cue, it appears she’s also now a teacher. What a world!
That little number has nearly 60k views, which is child’s play for Wood Bunni nowadays. Her social media following has exploded in recent months, and she appears to have an absolute stranglehold on her title.
She recently celebrated surpassing 500,000 followers on Instagram, showed off her new she-shed, and even gave us a wood-framing tutorial.
If you’re out in the garage this weekend stuck on a project, don’t be afraid to fire up Wood Bunni’s social media and get to work.
You better not have an exit plan at McDonalds
Thanks for the masterclass, Professor Bunni!
Now that class is over, let’s head on down to McDonalds, where it’s come to my attention that we’ve got a hostage situation on our hands.
Excuse me? What?
Imagine telling a McDonalds employee you can’t quit. Hell, imagine telling anyone not under contract you can’t quit.
It would be pure anarchy. Chaos. I’m the kind of person — and, frankly, so are you — that wants to do the absolute opposite of whatever you try and tell me.
Oh, I can’t quit? Watch this, Cheryl.
How about now?
Anyway, if you’re locked inside a McDonalds right now because they won’t let you quit and reading this, shoot me an email. And happy National French Fry Day!
I would, however, be cool if I was stuck at Publix forever
If that sign was hung at my local Publix I think I’d quit this job today and go apply. Seriously.
There’s no better place on earth than Publix. Don’t argue with me, because I promise you you’re wrong. Sorry.
Lionel Messi made a trip to the most wonderful place on earth last night after arriving in Miami, and OutKick’s Matt Reigle — a fellow Florida Man — broke it down beautifully.
For those of you who have not had the pleasure of shopping at a Publix — which as they will be quick to tell you is “where shopping is a pleasure” — think of your local grocery store chain. Giant, Meijer, Kroger, Food Lion, whatever. Now think of that store with a deli that cranks out sub sandwiches way better than they have any business being when prepared by a grocery store.
Boom. Welcome to Publix.
I’d also add that the bakery section in Publix produces the greatest smell in the world, maybe rivaled only by the inside of a Blockbuster.
I made the comment on the highly popular — but also super secretive — OutKick Slack channel that if I could bottle up one smell in the world to use as an air freshener, it would be that.
So, I obviously have to pump out a Mount Rushmore of smells for you guys. Duh.
- Publix bakery
- Home Depot on a fall Saturday morning
- Pumpkin candles
Yep, I said it and I ain’t ashamed of it. I’m a huge pumpkin flavor guy. And guess what, losers? I’m happily married with a kid and a new house that’s gonna sink me financially, so I’m doing JUST FINE.
Anyway, the Home Depot one wasn’t a joke, either. And don’t you dare come at me with “Lowes.” Nope. Big difference and if you don’t know that, this ain’t the site for you.
Chaos in Parliament, reattaching heads and Woke White
It’s getting late and Wood Bunni is already on to the next project, so let’s high tail it out of here.
Ya’ll wanna start with some fisticuffs in Parliament? Good. Me too!
Choas! Pandemonium! Love a good battle between the suits, and this one had everything — name-calling, water throwing, punches. The works. Love it.
Imagine how demoralizing it would be to get water thrown on you. I’d go nuts. Such a b*tch move. I’d want to take someone’s head off.
Fine. It was a corny transition, but whatever. My class, my rules.
Surgeons in Israel performed a miracle surgery and managed to reattach a boy’s head after he was hit by a car while riding his bike, a Jerusalem hospital announced this week.
Suleiman Hassan, a 12-year-old Palestinian from the West Bank, suffered what is known as an internal decapitation, with his skull detached from the top vertebrae of his spine — officially known as a bilateral atlanto occipital joint dislocation, according to The Times of Israel.
Hassan was riding his bike when a car hit him. The boy was rushed to Hadassah Medical Center and immediately put into surgery in the trauma unit. The doctors said his head was “almost completely detached from the base of his neck.”
Huh? Did you know that was a thing? I surely didn’t. You can just reattach someone’s head? That opens up a whole new world for me.
Buckle up, Health Insurance companies.
Finally, here’s your first look at Disney’s brand new live action Snow White movie. Looks totally normal!
Take us home, new Coors girl
For those who forgot, Disney announced earlier this year that they would recast the dwarves as magical creatures to avoid any stereotypes. True story.
So, it looks like we’ll now get Snow White and one dwarf with six magical creatures remake. Enjoy, everyone!
Disney is nothing if not predictable. Give ’em that.
Here’s Coors Banquet to save us as we head into the weekend. Take notes, Bud Light and Maybelline. This is how you market.
See you Monday.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Trapped inside a McDonalds? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.