Taylor Swift Concert Humpers, The Masters Menu, A Ryan Day – P.J. Fleck Fight, Murder Mystery 2, Kendall Jenner, Oil Changes And More

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We’ll chow down at The Masters and slip into our dancing shoes at the Taylor Swift concert in just a minute. In the meantime, let’s suck down a couple boilermakers on Seabass and the boys and make some bad decisions.

Who’s with me?

I’m a few hours removed from an oil change under the hood of my American-made automobile. The dealership where I purchased my ride gives two free oil changes per year. Sounds great. But, I don’t want to make an appointment then sit in an uncomfortable chair amongst old people (*no offense, I love the elderly and their mothball scent) for an hour plus. There’s just no need when I can go piss away 70 bones and never have to leave my driver’s seat Not to mention, I’ll be in and out in 15 minutes tops with oil so good they throw “synthetic” in front of it.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – what kind of idiot blows $70 bucks when he could get that service for free?

A) Guilty as charged.

B) If I hadn’t spent that $70 quenching my car’s thirst, that cash likely would have gone toward some dumb parlay that requires the Mariners to hit two doubles in the sixth inning, Nikola Jokic to record more than 11.5 assists and Daniel Cormier to win by submission. Either way, I’m walking away a loser. That said, I’ll gladly pay to avoid sitting in that dealership waiting room while toddlers dirty their diapers, The Price Is Right (great show) plays on the TV at a concert-like volume and old people also dirty their diapers …

Besides, you think I have time to hit the dealership during the week? I’ve gotta have this keyboard locked and loaded in the event Christina Aguilera gets involved in the lube business or Dan Orlovsky’s wife finally fires off a missile while the ex-QB’s downstairs preparing his overnight oats.

That brings me to that damn dipstick. Listen, I have no idea where that line’s supposed to be. No matter what you show me, I’m replying with “looks good.” Lube that thing up (consult Christina Aguilera if need be), click whatever buttons you need to make my change oil light pull a David Copperfield and let’s go our separate ways for the next 6 months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first.

Oh, and before you gearheads get after me for not changing my own oil: Know that I love and respect your grind. It’s just not for me. But don’t go walking around all high and mighty. You try banging out 350 words on Jimmy Garoppolo or Michelob Ultra in the middle of a thunderstorm with shaky wifi!

Alright, let’s shake it off.

Taylor Swift Concert Humping

Assuming he still doesn’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind, and despite the lack of peeing, chances are R.Kelly was impressed with the performance of a couple in the crowd at a Taylor Swift concert over the weekend. As Taylor belts out her hit “…Ready For It,” this couple confirms pets were allowed in the arena, ’cause there was some doggy present.

Maybe they confused Swiftie with quickie?

Speaking of Taylor Swift, anyone have an idea of how she gets to the stage while on tour? Elevator, staircase, security escort? Nope. Tay-Tay hits the stage alongside rolls of toilet paper and bottles of disinfectant. Yep. Before performing for tens of thousands, she’s transported to the stage in a janitorial cart.

Taylor Swift is the working man’s musician!

Who Wins A Ryan Day – P.J. Fleck Fight

Speaking of working men, Ohio State’s Ryan Day needs to work on beating Michigan, otherwise he’ll soon be pushing Taylor Swift’s janitorial cart. Day was a guest on the Bussin’ With The Boys podcast earlier this week and was asked which fellow Big Ten coach he’d have the most trouble with in a fight. Day singled out Minnesota’s P.J. Fleck as the in-conference coach he’d least like to go toe-to-toe with.

“P.J. would be hard because the guy’s got so much energy,” Day told co-hosts Will Compton and Taylor Lewan. “He’s got a high motor. I feel like he’d just keep going, keep coming at.” Day later added: “Gotta have a plan…guy’s got a lot of energy.”

Who ya got? I’m siding with Fleck here. You gotta figure all that rah-rah “row the boat” stuff has to pay off eventually, right?

Billy Ripken Doppelganger?

Speaking of coaches, Cleveland Browns coach Kevin Stefanski is a doppelganger for Billy Ripken (face of the most notorious baseball card of all-time).

Browns head coach Kevin Stefanski’s out here lookin like Billy Ripken. (Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images)

From this day forward we consider Stefanski to be the younger brother of Ironman Cal Ripken.

Since we’re talking NFL now and the draft is just a few weeks away, let’s look back the top 10 picks from a decade ago…

Yikes. Lane Johnson aside, that’s bad. Hand up, I thought Tavon Austin was going to wreck the league. I thought he was going to be what Tyreek Hill is now. And that’s why the fine folks at OutKick and Fox pay me to do things other than offer draft opinions or change oil.

The Masters Is Upon Us

Step aside Taylor Swift, the stage now belongs to Augusta. Grab your rangefinders, dryclean the green jacket and save the red polo for Sunday, it’s Masters week. And you know what that means – it’s time to look at the menu and marvel.

I know the egg salad is always a popular choice. But if I’m in Augusta, or anywhere for that matter, I’m not ordering up an egg sandwich. That’s just gross. If Pee-Wee Herman’s packing those stink bombs for lunch, it’s best to stay away.

You just know these fellas aren’t hammering away at egg sandwiches.

They’re also apparently not talking much to Phil Mickelson…

Murder Mystery 2 Is Worth A Watch

It’s no mystery why Lefty and the LIV boys are beefing with the PGA roster in Augusta. But the timing does coincide with an actual (OK, fictional) mystery courtesy of Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston. If you missed it, Murder Mystery 2 premiered on Netflix over the weekend and will likely stay there for the next decade or so. I gave it a watch and determined MM2’s worth your attention. That’s mainly because Aniston still has her fastball. Hell, she’s practically prime Nolan Ryan right now.

Jennifer Aniston stars in”Murder Mystery 2.” (Photo by Steve Granitz/FilmMagic)

Oh, and Sandler proves yet again that all things are possible through a gigantic polo shirt and a pair of tennis shoes.

God bless Sandler. The guy walks around dressed like the kid from Big Daddy. #Goals.

As for Murder Mystery 2, it has enough tongue-in-cheek dick jokes to make me laugh while rendering my 11-year-old son clueless (which, as a parent, is a perfect combination for family viewing). The only thing this movie’s missing is a Kevin James cameo. Now that Sean Payton’s alongside Russell Wilson in Denver, I’ll assume KJ’s prepping for a Home Team sequel and wasn’t available.

Let’s Ride.

Laundromat Explosion

There’s no seamless way to transition from Sandler, Kevin James and Sean Payton to an explosion in a laundromat, but here we are.

Per the New York Post, someone in Spain left a cigarette lighter in their pocket then tossed their clothes in a dryer. After that – Kaboom!

Hangin’ With Hayley

Also exploding are the sales of Donald Trump T-shirts that Team 45 released minutes after proclaiming his innocence surrounding the whole indictment saga. OutKick’s Hayley Caronia broke down the genius that is Trump’s marketing team.

Trump’s indictment, by the way, has coincided with a spike in Stormy Daniels searches on Pornhub. Per TMZ, Pornhub users searched “Stormy” more than 650,000 times Tuesday. That’s a 32,400% increase over the first three months of the year. Have to hand it to Trump. The Donald lifted the economy while in office and now he’s single-handedly lifting Pornhub. What can’t he do?

Stormy Daniels searches have spiked on PornHub because of Donald Trump. (Photo by Gabe Ginsberg/FilmMagic).

Oh, and Trump’s magic also found its way to the NYPD, and in particular, a female officer. As Fox News noted earlier today, Trump wasn’t the only blonde generating a buzz outside of Tuesday’s arraignment.

Visiting The Jersey (Are You) Sure?

My man isn’t wearing a Trump shirt yet, but he is dressed for a spot within our weekly odd jerseys in odd places section of nightcaps.

Yep, my guy opted for a Tommie Harris jersey to class things up on his way to grab a slice. If you’re shuffling through Home Depot and spot a Chris “Birdman” Andersen jersey on the fella grabbing a handful of 1/4″ wingnuts – or something similar – send my way via email: anthony.farris@outkick.com or Twitter: @OhioAF.

Kendall Jenner Goes For A Ride

I’m guessing Kendall Jenner doesn’t eat much pizza (if she does, it’s probably gluten free). And thanks to our brothers across the pond at The Sun, we now know what Kendall Jenner does like -partaking in some horseback riding. My eyes tell me there’s a saddle on that horse. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised. I thought for sure she’d ride bareback.

Kendall Jenner and Bad Bunny got their equestrian on. Photo courtesy of BackGrid.

What I’m (Not) Eating This Week

Ms. Jenner appears to be on a ranch above – or something similar. Work with me here! Which is fitting once you consider what I show you that’s somehow sitting in some psychopath’s freezer. Something that much like Pee-Wee’s egg salad, won’t be consumed by me. With that, I give you ranch ice cream.

If you’re slurping down a cone full of ranch, you might as well just delete the Tinder app now. There’s no hope for you.

Let’s Power Through The Finish

My drink’s starting to get warm and I’m hoping you’re getting paid by the hour with the way you’re babysitting yours. So before we fill up, let’s end this thing the right way – with a content dump!

*OutKick’s Nightcaps is a daily column that runs weekdays around 4pm EST.

Follow along on Twitter: @OhioAF

Written by Anthony Farris

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