NFL Power Rankings: Most Teams Are Fat & Drunk, And That's OK
Well, here we are. A new year, and surely a new NFL, right?
Wrong!
The same teams are good, the same ones stink, and the same ones are frauds. Looking at you, Dolphins. I'm currently somewhere in Arkansas in a blind murdering some ducks to take out my anger from whatever the hell that was last Sunday. Idiots.
And on that cheery note -- welcome to 2024! This is the year we turn it all around, America. Can you feel it?! No?
Me neither. In reality, this is the month where we say we're gonna be better, but we really won't be. We are who we are, and we need to just accept it and be happy about it.
Like most teams in the NFL, we are who we are.
You see where I'm going with this, right? Of course you do!
Let's ring in the new year by ranking the worst resolutions that everyone makes each year and never, ever follows through on. They sound cool and optimistic and mature, but, in reality, they last about three days and then we're right back to being lazy Americans -- which isn't a bad thing, by the way.
This is the greatest country in the world, and we need to start embracing it.
It's the final NFL power rankings of the regular season. Let's be like now-benched Russell Wilson and RIDE.
Tier 1: The I'm going to work out and be less fat tier
The dumbest and I mean dumbest resolution of all. For starters, it's a cop-out. You only say that when you have nothing else you actually wanna accomplish this year. It's like saying you want world peace. OK, sure. We all do. I'd also like a million dollars and for the Dolphins not to suck every single year.
Here's why it's really stupid, though ... you don't actually mean it. You think you do because everyone goes to bed full of shame and liquor on Dec. 31 and wakes up feeling like hell on Jan. 1.
Naturally, you're gonna want to look in the mirror and do some deep self-assessment. And when you look in that mirror, you're going to be fat. You'll say enough is enough and go on a run, or call up the gym, or eat a salad.
And it'll last a few days.
But then guess what? You're gonna wake up Friday finally feeling better and ready to get back on the horse. And you will, because you're a great American and that's what we do.
So, at the end of the day, the whole "I'm gonna get in shape this year" thing lasts around four days and then it's right back to a weekend of drinking, eating, and football -- just as God intended.
The Ravens are the best team in the NFL. What a wagon.
The Bills are supposedly this crazy hot team right now, and they do scare the bejesus out of me ... but are we ever gonna talk about the fact that they've barely skirted by Easton Stick and Bailey Zappe the past two weeks? Feel like that needs to be addressed at some point.
Everyone and I mean everyone watch your kneecaps from here on out. Wrong team to piss off.
Let's check in on NFL referee Brad Allen!
Tier 2: The 'Dry January' tier
My wife floated this little idea by me last week and I couldn't shut it down fast enough. Just no shot. You think I'm irritable now (can you tell?), just wait until I don't have my 5 (3) p.m. whiskey to look forward to every day. It would be chaos.
What's the point? Seriously. "Because it's healthy." But is it? When you're done, assuming you make it, you just spend all of February making up for lost time.
Frankly, you spend the rest of the calendar year making up for lost time because you've convinced yourself that you have a new lease on life now that you've quit drinking for a month. You think you're invincible all of a sudden.
You're not. You're just less happy and now you've wasted an entire month. Great! January and February are easily the most miserable months of the year. Less football, less sun, more basketball and snow. You really wanna power through that with no alcohol? I don't, and anyone who says they do is a bigger fraud than the Dolphins-Eagles-Chiefs.
Hey, Mike McDaniel ... maybe don't throw your starters out there down a billion in the fourth quarter. Just a thought. If I can see it from my couch, you can see it from the sidelines. Come on.
If Joe Flacco doesn't win comeback player of the year, what are we even doing? Guy was probably sitting at home gearing up for Dry January a month ago and now he's gearing up for a Super Bowl run. Legend.
Rams are a sneaky little bunch. Look out.
Bourbon street!
Tier 3: The I'm going to read more and watch less TV tier
*NFC South team who couldn't beat the Washington Huskies but may host a playoff game.
I couldn't tell you the last time I voluntarily read a book. I'm 30 and I'm sure it was before college, if that tells you anything.
For years I always said I liked to read, because I thought it made me seem smarter than I actually was. But that was a lie, and it's one we all tell ourselves at some point.
Reading sucks. Someone needs to just say it, and I'll gladly be the one to step up to the plate in 2024. For starters, it makes you tired. I hate being tired. I've got a 2-year-old at my house. I'm constantly tired. I don't need anything else helping me with that, I've got it covered.
It also just takes forever to get to the point. Every single thing is described for pages and pages and pages until you finally get to the point, which is then a huge letdown because you're so annoyed at how long it took to get there. It takes me two hours to watch Harry Potter. It takes two weeks to read it.
And you know what? He wins at the end. It's all the same. You're a great American, and TV is a staple here. Act like it.
A lot of action in the AFC South this weekend, and I'm not really sure who truly deserves that division. If we're being honest, it's probably the Texans, but asking the terrible Titans to beat Jacksonville is probably a tall order. I could see it, though. Mike Vrabel won't go easy into the night.
Are the Steelers ... good? No clue, but they finally seem to have a non-offensive offense, so that's a decent start.
That Saints-Bucs game last weekend was the most NFC south game of all time. Just when you thought one of the average teams had separated itself, the below average team comes in and knocks the crap out of them. Seen that movie a billion times (and it was better than the book!).
Genie!
Tier 4: The I'm going to sleep earlier tier
*NFC South teams who couldn't beat the Washington Huskies but may host a playoff game.
Honestly, I don't mind going to bed early ... if I'm tired. I'm all for it then. But to just get in bed when you're wide awake just because? That's psycho stuff. Why? So you can sit there and scroll your phone for an hour but still be able to tell yourself you "went to sleep" earlier last night? What's the point?
When you're tired, get in bed and put your ass to sleep. Until then, sit on the couch with your Yeti of whiskey and binge Masterchef or Hell's Kitchen or any other Gordon Ramsey show on Hulu like the rest of us. Have some pride.
You wanna know what old people do? They get in bed at 8 and wake up at 4:30. Is that how you want to start the new year? By becoming old? You really ready to cross that line in 2024?
Didn't think so. Stay up until midnight and spend the next day dog tired like the rest of us. It's the American way.
The Baker Mayfield is HIM train derailed after one week. Sad. Predictable, but sad.
I haven't given the Bears enough respect lately, so I apologize. Big leap for them here, but it's overdue.
Nice work, Jaren Hall. Glad I had $100 on Ty Chandler anytime TD. Couldn't even get him close to the end zone. Unreal.
Also glad I had the house on 'Bama moneyline. At least it was close at the end!
Tier 5: The I'm going to stay off my phone and be more present tier
Sort of like reading ... I like to say that I wish I wasn't on my phone as much and I hate it and blah blah blah, but let's be honest -- we are all equally addicted to these little bastards. Right or wrong, we are.
The government has already won. They've made us all so reliant on them that we literally won't put them down for five minutes.
So while yes, I'd love to say the hell with it and toss my iPhone out the window, drive down to the 7/11 and buy one of those burner Boost mobile phones, I know deep down I'd never do it. So why go through the motions of trying? What's the point?
It's a good idea -- really, it is -- but it's pointless. We all get that depressing screen time update from our phones every Sunday morning, and we're all ashamed by it. But we power through and scroll Facebook anyways just to see who else from our high school class got knocked up this past week.
It's who we are, so we may as well just embrace it.
All these teams stink, but at least the Cardinals are feisty. They probably should be higher, but I didn't feel like going back and re-ordering all the numbers, so they're 30. Deal with it.
Shoutout to the Jets for putting Dalvin Cook out of his misery.
Solid showing from Derrick Henry this week for my fantasy team. I lost. Thanks.
Do love me some Mike Vrabel though:
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.