Olivia Dunne Chose The Beach Over Joe Burrow, Kadarius Toney Enjoyed The Giants Beatdown & Terry Bradshaw Struggled On Sunday
It was back and it was beautiful. Everything about our first NFL Sunday of the season was perfect, right down to Team Nightcaps stuffing Daddy Screencaps into a body bag out in Cleveland. While Olivia Dunne, Joe Burrow and Joe Kinsey are all still stuck in summer, Anthony Farris and I enjoyed the hell out of our first fall Sunday of the year.
Speaking of firsts ... welcome to the first NFL Monday Nightcaps in the history of Nightcaps!
We've never had actual content to talk about here on a Monday since we launched earlier this year, but I don't even know where to begin today. What a feeling.
Tua Tagovailoa is the greatest QB in the history of the league. Let's go ahead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Remember Friday when I told you CBS should be jailed for making 70% of the country watch Pats-Eagles over Dolphins-Chargers in yesterday's late window? Don't say I didn't warn you.
Unlike Joe, Olivia Dunne did NOT have to watch the Bengals absolutely embarrass themselves yesterday in Cleveland. Instead, she opted for a beach day with her LSU teammates. Smart move.
What else should we get to today? Terry Bradshaw having an absolute BATTLE with the in-game highlights yesterday? Sure. I love Terry, but fair is fair.
Myles Garrett taunting the hell out of Joe Burrow before adding him to his graveyard? Duh. Carrie Underwood still GETTING SOME at 40? Yes please.
Jimbo Fisher with some next-level excuse-making after getting bent over in Coral Gables? Why not!
Sound like a plan? Good! Let's wet our whistles on an NFL Monday and get the hell to it!
Myles Garrett mocked Joe Burrow right to his face
I don't even know where to start today. Frankly, I wanted to just do all Tua highlights and call it a day, but we have class here at Nightcaps.
So, instead of showing you Tua, here's his good buddy Joe Burrow staring a dancing Myles Garrett straight in the face just seconds before being added to his graveyard.
What an ass whooping by the fighting Anthony Farris'. Did NOT see that one coming at all. Have you seen Joe Burrow's stats? They're awful. Literally awful.
The Bengals waved the white flag with four minutes left yesterday and Ja'Marr Chase was still talking about elves after the game.
Oh, what's that? You want a quick update on my fantasy teams? Well, how's this: in one league I started JK Dobbins, Diontae Johnson AND Tee Higgins.
Higgins had zero receptions. None. Zilch. Nada. Dobbins won't play again until 2024. Johnson missed the entire second half.
I also lost around $200 gambling this weekend, including a bloodbath yesterday.
But you know what? I don't care. You know why?
Olivia Dunne didn't watch Joe Burrow suck because she was at the beach
Nobody is more anti-Tua than Dan, and I respect it at this point. Well, him and Ryan Clark. Difference is, Rhino was singing Tua's praises on woke ESPN all morning. Dan, meanwhile, refuses to bend the knee.
Can't hate someone with convictions. Tua stinks! You're right, Dan.
OK, fine. I'll stop with the Dolphins talk. No more today, I promise!
Here's Olivia Dunne enjoying a beach day to make it up to you.
Toney, Terry and Sean Payton, oh my! The worst from NFL Week 1
Look, I don't even know how to properly recap all of yesterday's nonsense. Don't even know where to begin.
So, I'm just gonna make fun of some people and laugh. Sound good?
Let's start off with Kadarius Toney, who nuked all of his social media accounts after the worst performance in NFL history Thursday night only to briefly return last night to offer his thoughts on the Giants getting stuffed into a locker by the Cowboys:
Love it. Don't back down, Toney. Lean into it. If your former team losing by a billion on national TV picks you up off the floor, then I'm down with that.
PS: was that the worst Sunday Night Football game ever? Guys, can we please be done with Giants-Cowboys on SNF? I'm begging you. I promise, we're good. We've seen enough.
Here's a guy who needs to get his ass outta the game before a murder is committed on live TV.
Now, while we're on the subject of live TV ... what the hell happened to Terry Bradshaw yesterday?
Terry! What happened there? I love Terry Bradshaw, though. This ain't to rag on him, rather to credit him for pushing the hell through even though he knew it was a disaster. Consummate professional.
Remember that one time he called Andy Reid fat to his face after he won the Super Bowl earlier this year? Absolute wild card.
Just like Sean Payton!
Unreal balls on big Sean Payton there, even though it didn't ultimately work because of a penalty. No coach in NFL history has mastered the art of the surprise onside kick quite like Sean Payton.
Excellent defensive coach, too.
Welcome to the Jimbo Fisher spin zone, baby!
I wrote about that one here, so go take a look. But that's not all! Look at poor Sam getting ruthlessly t-bagged later in the same game!
What is this?
If you're gonna be the NFL's worst team and tank the hell out of a season, might as well be dirty while you're at it. Give the fans some reason to watch.
Well, the real ones, at least:
Did you hear that stadium yesterday? I've seen better home field advantages on Friday nights in Florida. Go back to San Diego, you cowards!
OK, let's not forget about what we saw Saturday. I know it's our first post-NFL Monday of the year, but the boys on Saturday need some love, too.
And Jimbo Fisher needs a beach day worse than Olivia Dunne!
The Miami Hurricanes mopped the floor with the Aggies, and Tyler Van Dyke looked like someone who was dating the next Paige Spiranac. He is, by the way, and I told you that before he took the world by storm Saturday afternoon. Click!
Anyway, back to Jimbo ... Miami put up nearly 50 points, TVD threw for FIVE tuddies, A&M turned it over three times, allowed a massive kick return for a touchdown and gave up 27 points in the second half.
But yes, without all that clapping it's a different ballgame.
Take us home, Carrie Underwood
By the way, if you want to live on the edge, HAMMER Alabama over USF this week. Right now the Tide are 32-point favorites, but that'll go up quickly.
Alabama was embarrassed at home Saturday, the Nick Saban is done columns are dusted off and printed yet again, and USF just squeaked by FCS Florida A&M.
#PrayForUSF.
OK, I think we covered everything. Olivia Dunne, Joe Burrow, petty Toney, crazy Terry, Spin Zone Jimbo ... we pretty much nailed it.
Let's all sit back and enjoy 40-year-old Carrie Underwood as we settle in for Aaron Rodgers-Josh Allen. Can't wait.
(Tua's better than both).
Let's have a week.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Could Olivia Dunne throw for more yards than Joe Burrow? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.