NFL Power Rankings Week 4: Who Are The One-Hit Wonders Of The League?
Welcome to Week 4 of our NFL Power Rankings, where the Miami Dolphins are still scoring touchdowns and we've gone on Day 4 of Kelce-Swift mania.
Not here, though. Nope. I refuse. Ain't doing it. Do you know how easily I could have done some sort of Taylor Swift tier this week? Absolute layup. But I won't make you guys read anymore of it. I'll gladly throw Paige Spiranac or Olivia Dunne in a headline for the clicks, but this is my red line.
Obama had his and I have mine. Difference is, I'm actually gonna follow through.
So I promise, that's the last you'll hear about those two. Hand to God.
(PS: didn't see a shot at Obama coming today but sometimes even I catch myself off guard).
Somehow, it's already Week 4 of the NFL season. This past Sunday was our final NFL Sunday in September. Time to break out the pink socks and flags!
If you're a Nightcaps reader, you know that last Monday was something called National One-Hit Wonder Day. Don't know why that's a day, but it is and I wrote about it. It garnered a big response, as I knew it would.
From Mike:
The Plimsouls: A Million Miles Away
Play That Funky Music — Wild Cherry
Tainted Love — Soft Cell
Come on Eileen — Dexys Midnight Runners
Breakfast at Tiffany's — Deep Blue Something
But the list is almost never ending, as long as there's bands that keep writing such classics.
Keep up the great work.
Thanks, Mike!
Anyway, let's iron this all out today. It's the 'One-Hit Wonders' edition of our NFL Power Rankings, starting with Motormouth John, who was the talk of the town back in the 1980s:
Tier 1: The John Moschitta Jr. Tier
That's it. That's the tier. When you put up 70 points, are the fastest team in NFL history and stuff Sean Payton in a locker like you did Sunday, you get your own tier.
How about that news report? I mean, I could watch that for hours. I'm fascinated by John, who's still alive, by the way. The internet tells me he's 69 (nice) and is known as either Motormouth John or The Fast-Talking Guy.
He set the Guinness World Record for fastest talker with 586 words-per-minute, but that record was broken both in 1990 and then 1995. According to his Wikipedia page (and Michael Scott tells me that's the best news-source), Moschitta questions the validity of both. Legend.
Anyway, he hasn't done much since, but he was the guy back in the day -- especially at FedEx. Well, actually back then it was still known as Federal Express! Wild.
Back to the Dolphins ...
What else can I say that hasn't already been said by every single talking-head on the planet? As someone who suffered through Cleo Lemon, John Beck, Chad Henne and Jay Cutler, what I saw Sunday was po(rn)etry.
They're the fastest team on the planet and take the top spot in this week's NFL power rankings.
What could go wrong!?
Tier 2: The Tubthumping tier
Pretty easy call here. This song is an absolute banger that still very much holds up to this day. One of the best songs of the late-1990s from the UK Chumbawamba band that really never had anything else come even close.
We were the party house in college, and when I needed a song to fire the crowd up, this was ol' reliable for me. Just as dependable as a song gets.
That's what the above four teams are, for the most part.
Frankly, I only put the Bills in here because the Dolphins play them this week and I don't wanna seem cocky. I don't trust them nearly as much as the other three. That being said, I can guarantee you Josh Allen will at some point Sunday roll to his right, appear to leap out bounds, but throw a last-minute dart to the end zone for a backbreaking score.
Blood bank guarantee against Miami.
Niners can pretty much start resting starters for the playoffs. Eagles haven't even started trying yet. Chiefs get the Jets, Vikings and Broncos next. Talk about a murderers row.
Tier 3: The Blue (Da Ba Dee) Tier
Everyone in their 30s knows this song. I don't care who you are, where you come from, what genre of music you listened to 30 years ago, you know this song.
I said it in Nightcaps and I'll say it again here: when my kid asks me what the 1990s were like, I'm just going to point them to the above music video. That's it, right there, in a nutshell.
We had/have no clue what any of the lyrics meant or what we were listening to, but we enjoyed the ride.
Dak Prescott managed 16 points and a 78 QB rating against a team tanking harder than the 2019 Miami Dolphins. Frankly, No. 7 in any NFL power rankings this week in generous.
Jordan Love! Great comeback. Are the Packers sneaky good?
Nice job, Baltimore. Colts gift-wrapped a win to you and you lost to Gardner Minshew, at home. Solid.
Vikings out-Chargered the Chargers!
Can someone, for the love of God, explain to me why Kevin James/Doug Heffernan has been trending on Twitter for three days now? I don't hate it all, I'm just confused by it.
S/O to PEAK Leah Remini, too:
Tier 4: The Somebody That I Used To Know tier
How's that for a throwback? Serious question: have you thought about this song/heard it for even one second over the last decade?
It was EVERYWHERE in the summer of 2011. Whether you wanted it or not, you got it. Every station. 24/7. It's still called one of the most successful songs in Australian music history. True story.
Not in the US of A, though. Here, it came and went, just like the Jacksonville Jaguars hype train. Whoooooof. How do you get boat-raced by the Houston Texans at home?
Welcome back, Jameis Winston!
Bengals won but still look like garbage. Play Jake Browning, cowards.
Steelers make a huge leap into Tier 3 from Tier 0, mainly because I forgot them last week. And the week before. Solid work.
"Deshaun Watson is BACK."
Deshaun:
Tier 5: The Teach Me How To Dougie Tier
Just an awful song, with an even worse dance routine to boot. Every single high school party you went to in 2010 had this song on loop, with all the annoying girls trying to act cool and dance to it with the boys on the other side of the room acting too cool to join in.
Teach me how to Dougie, teach me teach me how to Dougie.
Puke. Talk about PTSD. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. You tried your best to drown it out whenever it came on, but it just wouldn't go away.
That's the Patriots. Bill Belichick won't just go away. Hell, he should probably be put in the Hall of Fame after holding Miami to 24 points two weeks ago.
Colts could probably win the division if Gardner Minshew was the starter. That's how bad Jacksonville's looked.
Baker Baker the Touchdown Maker came crashing back to earth in predictable fashion.
The Cardinals are one insane half of play from the Giants away from being 2-1 with Josh Dobbs at the helm.
Bo Siemian:
Tier 6: The Rebecca Black's Friday tier
I mean, just the worst song of all time. It was so bad, that you couldn't turn it off. You had to see how it finished.
I didn't think anything on this planet could actually get me to hate a Friday, but Rebecca Black did it. Hat's off to her, I guess. Impressive.
These last three songs/tiers all came out during my high school days, which should tell you how much I loved high school.
The Titans may be the worst team in football not from Chicago. I told you three weeks ago they were a team that seemed destined to plunge off a cliff. Nailed that one.
Josh McDaniels ain't making it to the end of the year. Inexplicably, Zach Wilson might.
Seriously, the amount of exclusives we get from the porn industry is eye-opening.
Vikings:
And on that note, let's go have a big Week 4 in the NFL.
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com/.