NFL Power Rankings: Dolphins Plucked By Eagles & Refs, Raiders Should Be Stuffed In A Box
It's Week 8 of the NFL season and, if you're looking for a late Halloween costume idea, I'd suggest dressing up like one of those frauds in stripes from Sunday's Dolphins-Eagles game.
Yeah, it's been four days now and I'm still annoyed. Mainly because nobody's been fired into the sun yet. I'd love to be able to absolutely suck at this job and still get paid every week. What a luxury that would be.
I'm sure some of you are saying to yourself, "Zach, you do suck at this job." That's fair. But at least I wake up every morning with my head held high.
It may be beating like a drum from the night before, but at least it's held high.
Happy Halloween week! Best week of the year. I mainly like it because all the graphics on FOX and CBS are little pumpkins are bats or something. It's the little things for me, you know?
As you read last week, Halloween is also the best holiday -- which also means I'm gonna double down on our NFL power rankings tiers and go BACK to the well this week.
Halloween's the best holiday and Michael Myers is the best slasher from all the slasher films. Not even close. Was he completely and I mean COMPLETELY disrespected in this most recent film? Sure, but we ignore that around here and move on.
It's Week 8 NFL Power Rankings: the 'Michael Myers of NFL Teams' edition. One, two, Freddy's coming for you ...
Tier 1: The Michael Myers tier
As I just said, you just don't get any better than Michael Myers -- the little psycho who murdered his sister as a kid and then grew up to stalk the hell out of each and every remaining family member.
Iconic theme music, iconic character and an absolutely WILD film series. There are so many different paths you can take with Halloween you'll get lost if you're not careful.
The OG 1 and 2 are pretty straightforward, and then Halloween III gets rid of Michael altogether. He comes back in 4-6 but has a different mask in each, and Paul Rudd even makes a cameo!
This most recent trilogy was so good at the start but the last movie is maybe the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
Rob Zombie also threw his hat in the ring and his two movies had more nudity than a porno. Seriously, I saw the 2007 version in the theatre with my mom and let me tell you, that was an awkward drive home.
The Eagles are fine. They're No. 1 because they just beat Miami and both were in Tier 1 last week. I still don't think they're great. Sorry, but I just don't. Not yet, at least. I'm sure I'm being biased, but so were the refs, so fair is fair.
Chiefs have quietly won six in a row.
Niners have not-so-quietly lost two in a row.
Ravens murdered the Lions like Michael Myers murders his family. Dolphins apparently are bad because they lost to the Bills and Eagles. OK. As Michael Scott once said, sue me.
In totally unrelated news, the Chiefs' six wins are against NFL teams with a combined 17-23 record. San Fran's five wins are against teams that are a combined 14-19.
Moving on.
Tier 2: The Ghostface tier
I'd put the original Scream up against most, if not all, horror movies. That's how good it is. Now, the most recent films are garbage, especially this latest one which really goes off the rails and heads to Manhattan, but the first three are electric.
Spoiler alert ....
The OG killer(s) from Scream 1 turned out to be Shaggy from Scooby-Doo and the creepy boyfriend who we all thought was dead. It was awesome. The last 10 minutes of that one are cinematic perfection.
Ghostface would get absolutely destroyed by all the other slashers from a physical perspective, but he/she is also easily the smartest of the bunch, so it would be one hell of a fight. The very definition of cat & mouse.
Also ... the Neve Campbell-Courteney Cox 1-2 punch in the Scream saga is unmatched, except Scream 3 where Courteney apparently got a haircut from a blind person the day before filming began. Seriously, it was a disaster.
The Jags seem to be back on track, but I'm still not sure if I trust them yet. I thought I trusted the Lions and then they went out and got their kneecaps bitten the hell off by the Ravens.
Cowboys and Bengals were on a bye, Seahawks aren't really great but I refuse to put the Bills over them at this point, and how about Connor Stallions!?
Love this dude. Talk about a cat you'd like to get in a foxhole with, this guy just puts his head down, grinds and gets results for the fellas in Ann Arbor.
Joe Kinsey is on an absolute warpath right now trying to blow this thing wide open. What a great time for college football.
Tier 3: The Jason Voorhees tier
The Friday the 13th series is maybe the most iconic of all time, and it's basically rewritten the summer camp game. I refused to go to sleepaway camp as a kid during the summer because of Jason Voorhees and Camp Crystal Lake, and I still wouldn't do it.
You wanna talk about a mixed bag of movies, this franchise bounces ALL over the place. Sometimes he's in Manhattan, sometimes he's at the camp, I think he's on a boat in one of them and, of course, the one where he's just in space.
The best Jason movie of all, though? Freddy vs. Jason. Just a wild ride from start to finish.
The problem with Jason Voorhees, though, is that he's always changing. He used to be this skinny little psycho back in the first few, and then he morphed into this 300-pound UNIT out of nowhere. They also made him into some sort of weird power ranger in the space one. Just can't fully trust him.
That's how I feel about all these five NFL teams, especially Buffalo. Dude, how do you lose to the Patriots? How do you give up 29 (!!!) points to Mac Jones? Everyone bitches about Miami's strength of schedule, but you wanna know who else the Bills have beaten?
Las Vegas, Washington and the Giants.
The Steelers are all of a sudden a trendy pick after beating ... the Rams? I don't see that. The Jets were off and come back to play the Giants, which should be a 9-6 shootout. Can't wait.
The Elves beat the Colts on the field and former QB Brady Quinn buried Deshaun Watson's personal coach on Twitter:
Tier 4: The Leatherface tier
The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is underrated AF, and I like Leatherface, but I also think he's an idiot who needs a lot of help to get the job done.
Like, he's kind of just in the basement for a lot of the movie waiting for the rest of his lunatic family to do the heavy-lifting. They draw the dumb teens into the house, and then he handles the rest. Seems like a pretty damn cozy gig as a slasher, if you ask me.
Michael Myers stalks people. Jason pretty meticulously navigates the woods. Ghostface calls his victims and taunts the hell out of them.
Leatherface sits in the basement like a dummy and just waits for his mom/sister to bring victims to him. Now, he scares the bejesus out of me because he's giant and wears someone else's skin on his face and wields a chainsaw, but I also think he's relatively lazy.
The Vikings have a pretty favorable schedule over the next month to claw their way back into things, but they will 100% mess it up.
Desmond Ridder is maybe the worst QB in the league and we all just sort of ignore it. Seriously, he's awful. I truly don't understand how the Falcons are 4-3.
I definitely understand how the Chargers are 2-5. Poverty franchise.
Bucs are frauds but also may host a playoff game. Classic NFC South, am I right?
Hey, Gia ... guess who's starting this weekend for the Titans? Still time to get your butt back to the states and resume your life as an NFL WAG.
Tier 5: The Freddy Krueger tier
Freddy Krueger is such a pain in the ass, but also sort of a wussy. Like, he makes a living preying on kids who are scared, but he only attacks them while they're sleeping.
Kind of a bitch move, isn't it? Like, come on, dude. I feel like the above four killers at least have the decency to leave the kids out of it for the most part. But not Freddy.
You also see him become completely useless as a slasher in Freddy vs. Jason when Jason pulls him into the real world. It's a bloodbath after that.
All that being said, he still has razor blades for fingers and, in the right spot, can gut you like a fish.
That's the Colts ... they aren't great, but you also probably would rather not face them. Same with the Saints.
Shoutout to woke USA Today dummy Mike Freeman!
The Patriots are by far the biggest pain of all. They're awful, but they're also just well-coached enough to beat you any given Sunday.
Tier 6: The Chucky tier
Just the dumbest villain of all time. It's a doll.
They made like four movies out of a doll, and nobody could stop him. Huh? What the hell are we doing here? I'll be honest, these movies scared the crap out of me when I was a kid because I'd walk through Blockbuster and see the VHS covers and they were terrifying.
But then you watch the actual movie and it's pathetic. I felt like an idiot when I finally watched it. Still do. There's also that weird movie where Chucky essentially bangs another girl doll and that leads to another movie. And now there's a TV show!
Hey, here's an idea. Put his stupid ass in a box and put a couple dumbbells on it. There, end of movie. Cut to black.
The Bears!!!! What a performance from Tyson Bagent! Justin Fields who?
The Giants!!!! Send Daniel Jones to the sun.
Cardinals stink and they're really not even feisty anymore. Tiny Kyler's on that way, though.
The Titans have clearly called it a season. The Packers might be in trouble under center. Dumb Duane is the one who worked the Dolphins game Sunday night. Let's check in on him:
Suuuuuuuuuuure. Nothing to see here. Completely normal.
PS: sick picture, Duane. Looks like one of those stock images they put in the pictures frames at Michaels.
Finally ... welcome to Tier 5, Maggie! I have a feeling you'll be moving up the NFL power rankings charts here pretty soon.
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.