NFL Power Rankings: Lions Are Scary, Bengals Are Coming, Most Teams Are Hungover
Well, we've made it -- the absolute PEAK of the NFL season. For that matter, we've made it to the peak of the sports calendar in general.
This is the time of year where all the beautiful things in our lives collide. The weather, the holidays, and, of course, our sports.
There's football on every single night from now until like Thanksgiving. Seriously. Mother Nature is by far at her sexiest this time of year, too. Just cool enough for a light jacket, but not too cold yet for another one over that one. Perfection. Nice foliage, too, outside of the great state of Florida.
And, of course, we're a few weeks away from Halloween -- otherwise known as the best holiday on the calendar. That's right, I said it. Best one yet.
Oh, you thought it was Christmas because that's what society wants you to believe? It's not. Christmas isn't even the best holiday in December. How about that for a twist?
You can all see where this is going, right? It's Week 7 NFL Power Rankings -- the 'Best Holidays' edition!
Let's trigger some people.
Tier 1: The Halloween tier
Frankly, it's not just Halloween -- it's October in general. It's the Last Crusade of months. The weather, the football, MLB playoffs, hockey is back, the NBA is still not -- it's perfect.
And then you have the vibes in general. They're the best. Yesterday I went from the golf course to the pumpkin patch to the outdoor bar downtown. You know how many times a year I can do that in Florida and not sweat my balls off? Not a lot.
I always say, we suffered though July and August for days like yesterday down here.
Scary movies are the best, too. Christmas movies suck unless they star Chevy Chase or Ralphie. But the horror genre is the undisputed GOAT. Michael Myers, Jason, Freddy, Ghostface -- the best. I watched Halloween 5 last night. You ever seen Home Alone 5? Me neither. Garbage.
This also no longer applies to me being a 30-year-old dad, but for you youngins out there -- don't you dare think I don't remember how elite Halloween parties in college were. I ain't talking about the candy spread, either.
The 49ers lost, but they're still No. 1 in our power rankings. Come on. Brock Purdy played like ass and still gave his team a shot at the end. They get a pass here.
Last time I moved the Dolphins this close to the top spot they got shellacked by Buffalo. Now, they get the Eagles. Great.
Philly, by the way, hasn't been particularly great all year, but the NFL apparently refuses to put the Dolphins at home in primetime so now we get to go to the Linc on Sunday Night and face a pissed off Eagles team. Awesome.
Are the Lions sneaky the best team in football? We'll see.
Are the Chiefs ... sort of average? We'll see.
Tier 2: The Christmas Eve tier
I'm firmly in the Christmas Eve>Christmas camp. I'll die on this hill. Christmas Eve is elite. Christmas is such a letdown after you leave childhood.
This is especially true if you have kids and go home for the holidays. Christmas Eve is filled with parties, huge dinners, football, tracking Santa with the kids, and is the one night all year they'll actually go to bed early and be thrilled about it.
And then Christmas Day gets here and it's such a grind. You get up at the ass crack of dawn and you don't sleep for the next 18 hours.
In between you have family drama, you're driving to 12 different places to have 12 different Christmases, you make small talk with people you see once a year, you have to take 150 pictures, you inevitably spill your Yeti filled with whiskey on your mother-in-law's carpet for the whole world to see ... it's a mess.
I could go on and on and on, but it's all just such chaos and so unenjoyable.
The Cowboys are ... back? Eh. Good road win, though. Imagine if Tua missed that wide open pass like a certain someone did late in the game? It's all the NFL media would be talking about this week. Weird how that works.
Bills were just awful Sunday night, but they also get a pass. For now. Thanks, refs!
Welcome to the 2023 season, Cincinnati, and welcome back to the grown-ups table in our weekly power rankings!
Ravens are the very definition of an "eh" team so far this year. Are they good? I have no clue.
Tier 3: The Labor Day Weekend tier
Honestly, you could easily make a case for this to be a tier higher, and I think it will be in the not-so-distant future. Right now, though, it's still just a touch too underrated.
Labor Day weekend is awesome. For starters, it's the opening Saturday of college football. But you also get games on Sunday AND Monday, too. You also get that Monday off, which not only extends the current weekend but makes the ensuing week shorter, which nicely bridges the gap right into Week 1 of NFL. It's perfect.
You get BBQs with football on for the first time since essentially New Years Day, NASCAR's Southern 500 that Sunday night -- which is arguably the best race of the year -- and you still get a hint of that summertime sunlight late into the night. What a weekend.
Cap it off with a little fantasy football draft that Saturday and it's game over.
The damn Jets just won't go away, will they? Good for them. They make a massive jump in this week's power rankings and get the terrible Giants, Chargers and Raiders after the bye. Buckle up.
The Bucs performed exactly as you'd expect a Bucs team wearing the creamsicle jerseys to perform. It's called getting into character, look it up.
Sean McVay may miss this week's game because his wife is very, very pregnant. Congrats on the sex, coach! Love this guy.
Tier 4: The Thanksgiving tier
This one is tough for me, because I love Thanksgiving. I look forward to it every single year, but I think it's different for everyone.
Some people just ignore this holiday altogether. Act like it doesn't exist. The second Halloween ends, stupid Mariah Carey is all over the internet for the next two months singing her stupid song. It's the worst.
Now, Thanksgiving isn't great for everyone. I like it because we sneak away to Georgia every year to hang out with a much smaller portion of the family and it's a great few days because it's the complete opposite of chaos. Some Thanksgivings are the opposite.
Some are like Christmas day, and those, as you just read, are miserable.
For me, though, it's a perfect day. Macy's parade in the morning? Yes please. Electric, except when it inevitably gets too woke.
Back-to-back-to-back NFL games from noon to 11? Sure! Why the hell not? Little electric turkey frying action out back? The best. Seriously, get an electric turkey fryer, it'll rock your world.
But it's not for everyone, and I get that, too.
Are the Texans the best team in the AFC South? It's not a crazy question, but also speaks to how blah the AFC South is.
PJ Walker>Deshaun Watson. Only sort of kidding.
I can't figure out the Saints. I really can't figure out the Colts.
Colorado's last five games after the bye: UCLA, Oregon State, Arizona, Washington State and Utah. Yikes.
Tier 5: The NFL schedule release day tier
Didn't see this one coming, did you?! That's right, we're sneaking in the NFL Schedule Release Day into our power rankings tiers. OutKick's Anthony Farris is a NSRD truther, so this one's partly for him.
I LOVE this day. Some scoff at it, but I'd put it above the NFL Draft on the league's calendar. That's how much I look forward to it. Now, the Dolphins are also a unit this year so perhaps I'm experiencing some recency bias, but whatever.
It comes during such a blah time of year on the sports calendar, too. That's what makes it great. It usually drops on a random Tuesday or Wednesday night in May when not much else is going on beyond early round NBA (yuck) and NHL playoffs, and it's an all-day affair of just refreshing Twitter to see what the latest leak is.
Some love it, some don't give a crap. It's a mixed-bag holiday and it's not even a technical holiday, which is why the above three teams are perfect for this tier.
Are the Falcons any good? Who knows. They might be, but they may also be terrible. The Vikings could go on a run here to get back in the mix, but they also just lost Justin Jefferson.
Sam Howell ... good? Bad? Meh? No clue!
Chloe:
Tier 6: The New Year's Day tier
Just the worst day of the year. Take out the college football, and it's awful. You're hungover, embarrassed, and just disgusted with yourself.
This year, it also falls on a MONDAY, which means you have an entire work week staring you straight in the face when this miserable day is over. You also have nothing to look forward to anymore.
For months, you've ridden the holiday wave of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. You always had events coming up that you could lean on to get you through the day. You always knew you had built in vacation days right around the corner.
Not anymore. It's over. It's all over. Now, you've got very little football left, it's cold out, it gets dark at 2 p.m., and there's just nothing to look forward to for the foreseeable future. What an awful, awful day. Easy final tier in this week's power rankings. No sweat at all.
Take your pick -- all these teams stink besides the Phillies. What a damn run they're on right now!
Titans stunk with Tannehill and now they're really gonna be awful. Jordan Love might be terrible. If I have to watch the Giants in primetime one more time this year I'm throwing my TV into the freaking Atlantic.
Speaking of ...
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.