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I’d like to start by congratulating each and every one of you on making it through the COVID emergency.
two weeks three years to slow the spread, and it’s finally safe for Novak Djokovic to play tennis again.
Now you can go out and do all the things it wasn’t safe to do during the pandemic. Take that vacation! Sneeze in people’s faces! Grow a ’70s-style porn ‘stache!
But we’ll get to that in a minute.
First, I have to tell you what my dog did today.
Oh, surprise, Amber’s talking about her dog again. I know. But I swear I’m going somewhere with this, so buckle up, buckaroo, and stay with me.
This morning, my 14-year-old dog swiped my husband’s unattended steak and eggs right off the coffee table. In the time it took him to walk to the bathroom, Lucy had herself a five-star, protein-packed, way-better-than-that-crap-you-put-in-my-bowl breakfast.
Here’s why this was significant: In all her 98 dog years, my well-behaved, obedience-trained angel has NEVER done that. Normally, you could sit her next to an entire meatloaf and go for a jog around the block. She wouldn’t touch it without permission.
Not sure why someone would do that, but you get the point.
In Lucy’s advanced age, she’s become a fearless risk-taker. And honestly, we could all learn a lot from her.
We spend so much time worrying about what other people think and what society expects of us — what we’re allowed to say and do — that we don’t take chances or try new things. We’re afraid to break the rules, even when it means missing out on something amazing.
And so today’s theme is just that — Boldness. Fearlessness. Doing what we feel is right no matter what the haters (or Howard Stern) have to say about it.
So pour yourself a tall glass of whatever the heck you want, and let’s get rolling.
Mystery Animal Caught on Camera in Rio Grande Valley
Back in February, Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador tweeted a picture of what he thought to be a mythical creature called an aluxe at an archaeological site.
“Everything is mystical,” he said.
That’s a pretty bold claim, and we had all had a good laugh at his expense. But don’t we look stupid now.
A “mystery animal” was spotted in the Rio Grande Valley over the weekend, and it left Texas park officials stumped.
Check it out. It looks like a bear and a dachshund had a baby then sent it to live with a clan of honey badgers.
Now, what the real El Presidente (fight me, Dave Portnoy) thought he saw back in February was a mythical woodland elf. Not the same thing.
But with another UCO (unidentified crawling object) appearing not too far from the Mexican border, maybe he was onto something.
“We’re scratching our heads trying to identify this elusive creature. Is it a new species? An escapee from a nearby zoo? Or just a park ranger in disguise?” the state park wrote on Facebook. “Regardless, it’s thrilling to see such an incredible animal in its natural habitat.”
Everything is mystical, park rangers.
And if you’d listened to President AMLO, you’d already know that.
Tua’s Rocking a Mustache
Let’s check in on my favorite quarterback.
Miami Dolphins QB Tua Tagovailoa showed up to a charity event Monday with a sick new mustache.
In case you missed it, here’s OutKick’s David Hookstead with the full scoop:
“I’m very excited,” Tua said about the upcoming season. “Got to meet a lot of the newer guys and guys who have been in this system for a whole year now. So it’s very exciting. And I think a lot of fans, the community, everyone is very supportive.”
Tua thinks this year could be something special. And as a lifelong Dolphins fan, I sure hope he’s right.
And in case you haven’t noticed, he’s changed more than just his facial hair. Photos from the QB’s recent workouts reveal he now has legs like tree trunks. Tua has put on some size and (hopefully) learned how to stop landing on his head.
Built like a brick sh-thouse.
In the immortal, tear-filled words of Terrell Owens, “That’s my quarterback.”
Anyway, maybe you think the ‘stache makes him look like a vintage porn star. Or a guy who offers kids candy out of his van. Or maybe you think all those concussions are affecting his judgment.
But Tua doesn’t care what you think. Like every smart man, he cares what his wife thinks.
Fellas, let this be a lesson to you. If your wife likes the facial hair, it’s for good reason.
Grow a beard. Or a mustache. Don’t be selfish.
Study Finds Men Exaggerate Their Penis Size
I warned you. I did say we’re going bold today.
Any woman who’s ever been on a dating app knows 5’10 means 5’7, a shirtless mirror selfie means run for the hills, and the other woman in that photo is not his cousin.
Anyway, some scientists in Denmark found men “overestimate certainly bodily markers linked to masculinity.”
We could be looking for a cure for cancer, but let’s have a literal dick measuring contest instead.
So these nerds polled 200 men age 18-35 about the length of their schlong. They found the men, on average, claimed they swung 7.10 inches — that’s 21.1 percent larger than the average Danish penis length of 5.85 inches.
And then all the women said, “LOL, duh.”
That’s some Randy Marsh math right there. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you need to drop everything and watch this “South Park” clip right now.
I’m still reeling over the fact that there is an actual statistic for men’s penis length by country, but we’ll look past that for a minute.
Guys, I’m just poking fun.
But in the interest of fairness, I’ve compiled for you a handy guide outlining the lies women often tell and their direct translation.
- “I’m fine.” — She is absolutely not fine. She is the furthest thing from fine. You better fix it fast or find a safe place to hide.
- “I don’t need a birthday gift this year.” — Buy her a birthday gift. Buy her two birthday gifts. Make a dinner reservation, and bring home flowers just in case.
- “It wasn’t that expensive.” — It was very expensive.
- “Leave me alone.” — Do not, under any circumstance, leave her alone. This just gives her more time to stew on whatever it is that pissed her off in the first place.
- “It’s perfect.” — She actually wants it to be 21.1 percent larger than the national average.
OK, OK, I’m joking about the last one.
Listen, I know we all watched “Pinocchio,” but it doesn’t work that way. Lying won’t make it any bigger.
And neither will driving a lifted pickup truck, buying an exotic sports car or publicly trashing successful governors when your own state is in shambles.
Prada’s newest dress looks like a towel.
Prada just released its strapless satin and pongé mini dress in “iron gray” as part of the spring-summer 2023 collection.
And for the low, low price of $3,650, you, too, can look like you just tore off a curtain for your walk of shame out of the Econolodge.
I just don’t understand rich people.
The money they will spend on the ugliest things is unfathomable to me. In fact, the more I watch athletes parading around pregame in clothing atrocities that cost more than my car, the more I wonder if we’re all just being punked.
In the words of Kenny Powers, “Honey, I love you. But you have clothes like a f-cking dickhead.”
But maybe I’m just too poor to understand high fashion.
Shabaz says it best.
But, hey, I’m not judging. If you have the money and the fearlessness to go out in public wearing a satin towel, be my guest.
And so I hope I’ve inspired you today.
To rock any facial hair you want, to embrace whatever size manhood the Good Lord gave you, to speak your truth no matter how many people make fun of you, to wear whatever bizarre outfit makes you feel sexy…
And to not leave your breakfast where your dog can reach it.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.
2 CommentsLeave a Reply
Per Texas Parks and Wildlife division.
“We agree with most of the comments that this is very likely an American badger,” the post says.
It is in the natural habitat of that area. As much as I wanted to be a Chupacabra or La Llorona.
Great column. I do not miss the Insta girl BS at all.
Glad you write this column sometimes..