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Hello everyone, and happy Fat Tuesday! (Or “Enormous Tuesday,” as Roald Dahl’s new editors would say.)
If you’re at a certain parade in New Orleans today, you’re probably not reading this. But if you’re like me and you’ve been working all day, it’s time to quit doing that.
Look, we may not have costumes and floats. But we’re doing our own Mardi Gras parade right here at OutKick Nightcaps. It’ll be just like the real thing, except with less people puking into sewer drains.
So cut yourself a slice of king cake, blend up a daiquiri and let’s get on this lady’s level.
Meghan Markle is angry.
Honestly, we could just stop there. But let’s dive in.
For the first spectacle, our Mardi Gras parade joins forces with the Worldwide Privacy Tour. If you’re not a fan of the greatest cartoon ever created, what’s wrong with you? But just in case, I’ll recap: In its latest episode, “South Park” mocked Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle.
The episode pokes fun at the couple’s claims that, “We just want to be left alone!” Meanwhile, they’re releasing books, doing tell-all sit-down interviews with Oprah, starring in a Netflix series and recording a podcast (that was cancelled after just 12 episodes).
Not surprisingly, Markle didn’t like it.
Reportedly, the Duchess of Sussex is “upset and overwhelmed” by the cartoon’s portrayal of her. Word on the streets (Twitter) is that the insufferable couple is also pursuing legal action.
Not that this would be the first time. In 2021, Markle filed a complaint in the United Kingdom against Piers Morgan for hurting her itty bitty feelings.
Unfortunately for Harry and Meghan, satire is protected speech in the good ol’ U-S-of-A. And I hope the creators of “South Park,” Trey Parker and Matt Stone, double down.
Those things are real?
A highlight of Mardi Gras is the array of wild costumes that march down the streets of New Orleans. Green, purple and yellow masks, beads, dresses, shoes and bikinis as far as the eye can see.
Of course, there are also some timely get-ups you didn’t see coming. Take, for example, these four ladies who dressed as unidentified flying objects.
Of course, two of them are decked out as Chinese spy balloons. But one of them just doesn’t want her gender reveal shot down by a $400,000 missile. And the last one, “Relax. I just want to take some pictures.”
Watch out for that one.
Anyway, you know what’s NOT a costume? That shop teacher in Ontario with the size Z breasts. Or so she claims.
Kayla Lemieux (a French-Canadian word for “the best,” by the way) started making headlines last fall when she showed up to her high school teaching job wearing gigantic prosthetic breasts. But now, in an interview with The New York Post, the transgender woman claims those honkers are all natural.
“My condition is classified as gigantomastia,” she said. “It affects women on a very rare basis, but in my case, I believe — and my doctor thinks — because I have XX chromosomes as well, that has something to do with it, and hormone sensitivity to estrogen has caused it.”
Kayla is getting ALL the beads at Mardi Gras.
After a Google search that will scar me for life, I discovered gigantomastia is a real and unfortunate condition. But, I absolutely don’t believe Kayla Lemieux has it.
Especially after this photo surfaced.
But when asked about it, Lemieux simply responded, “It wasn’t me.”
Shaggy would be so proud.
Don Lemon will undergo anti-sexism training.
While we’re on the subject of boobs, let’s talk about Don Lemon.
Of course, I’m using the Merriam-Webster definition here of “a foolish person.” But if we’re talking about anatomical breasts, you better be in your 20s or 30s. I hear your tatas are completely useless after that.
But CNN isn’t firing Don Lemon after his sexist comments. They’re just going to put him through some sort of formal training that, I guess, will teach him how not to say things that are absolutely asinine.
To be fair, Lemon did apologize. But his apology was lame and completely insincere. I mean, if you’re going to say something outrageous, just own it.
Like this guy.
And in case you’re looking for an update…
We love a happy ending.
What is your New Orleans drink of choice?
I will admit I’ve spent all of 18 hours of my life in New Orleans, and that was enough for me.
Normally a bourbon neat or a Miller Lite gal (or both at the same time when I’m feeling funky), I let someone talk me into one of those Hand Grenades from Tropical Isle.
If you’ve never had one, it’s a sugar-coma inducing, hangover bomb containing gin, rum, vodka, melon liqueur and pineapple juice. And it comes in a cylindrical plastic cup as long as my arm.
I don’t remember much about those 18 hours in New Orleans, but I remember how I felt the next day. And it was really, really bad.
Which brings me to my question: What’s your Bourbon Street drink of choice — A sazerac? A fruity daiquiri? One of those God-awful green things?
Tweet me at @TheAmberHarding and let me know your suggestion. Maybe if I ever stumble back through NOLA, I’ll give it a shot.
And to conclude our Nightcaps Mardi Gras parade, I leave you with a float that speaks for itself.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Got a fun Mardi Gras story? Or just want to obnoxiously send South Park clips back and forth? Email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.