Jessica Alba Hits MSG, Utah’s Without Pornhub, Derrick Henry Hits The Hills, Kid Takes Tank To Prom, Tiffani Thiessen And Saved By The Bell Reunite And More

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Alright, settle down. We’ll get to 42-year-old Jessica Alba once you guys show me you can behave yourselves.

42? Ya, some of you are getting old.

But before we hit the wayback machine with Alba and Saved By The Bell – oh yeah, better make reservations at The Max, cause we’re doin this – we’ve gotta discuss balls.

Hear me out.

A few days ago I took advantage of the one day out of seemingly the last 30 that it hasn’t rained in northeast Ohio and took my kids to everybody’s favorite overpriced sporting goods store – Dick’s. We were on the prowl for some new gymnastics gear (for my daughter) and a new football (for my son). There’s no gender confusion or mix-matching in this house. One was born with a hose and one without. God’s doing, they didn’t pick.

We found everything we were looking for in a shorter-than-expected amount of time. The usual stop inside Dick’s batting cage was somehow avoided and thankfully, no one fired off a three into the display hoop (elbow’s been acting up or I’d have dropped some jaws). About the only thing that slowed us down was my stop to pee.

Hey, I’m a man, I’m 40! And I sure as hell am not passing on the opportunity to empty the tank.

Anyways, we eventually made our way to the register with two items. A gymnastics leotard and a Nike football. One could reasonably estimate that my total would be somewhere between $50 – $60, right? I mean, that’s at most. Figure, $20 or so for the gymnastics getup and another $25, maybe $30 for the pigskin and of course sales tax. Nope.

The total: $130 and change!

And that’s when I realized that Dick’s Sporting Goods, were, in fact…Dick’s. I thought the cashier made a mistake. In shock, I repeated the total to her. That’s when she said: “the Nike football is $110.”

WTF? Does it include an NFL contract?

And for those of you who might think I’m making this up, proof resides below. Besides, the only things I make up are my height, weight and bench.

This football is being sold by Dick’s Sporting Goods for $110.

But I wasn’t about to suckerpunch my bank account. We retreated back to the football shelf and found ourselves a Wilson NCAA All-American for $22.99. I have no idea the difference in these footballs other than $87.

Wilson saved me $87.

Jessica Alba Still Brings It

Now that Dick’s and balls are of the way, let’s talk about chests. As in chest passes. Afterall, we are all about the fundamentals here at Nightcaps.

Tuesday night saw the Heat and Knicks play the second game of their Eastern Conference Semifinals series. But all anyone could talk about was Jessica Alba being courtside at Madison Square Garden. And could you blame them? Once the broadcast caught a glimpse of Alba, she immediately went viral.

Essentially, Jessica Alba came to MSG and a basketball game broke out.

Alba’s been working steadily, but I feel like she’s kind of been off the grid since starring in Honey and Good Luck Chuck in the early-to-mid 2000’s. You can argue that. But what you can’t argue is that she’s definitely back in the spotlight.

Jessica Alba went viral after appearing at the Heat – Knicks game. (Photo by Gregg DeGuire/WireImage).

Is Travis Kelce Just A Younger Chris Mullin?

Before Alba was making noise in The Garden, it was NBA Hall of Famer Chris Mullin who regularly had the Big Apple in a frenzy. First during occasional “home games” while a member of St. John’s team and then in the NBA as a visitor with the Warriors and Pacers. It dawned on me this week when a Mullin tribute came across social media that the league’s most famous flat top has a doppelganger in Kansas City.

Minus the five o’clock shadow, Travis Kelce, everyone’s favorite tight end/rapper, is Mullin 2.0.

Chris Mullin and Travis Kelce have a similar look…and game.

Oh, and Kelce had the game to match. Kelce played high school hoops and previously told the All The Smoke podcast: “I still wish I could find my way onto an NBA team for a quick 15 days, 10 days.”

See that kids. This is why you come to Nightcaps. While you’re hammering away digging ditches, mowing lawns and populating Excel sheets, I’m doing God’s work and deciphering who in the sports world resembles Chris Mullin so you don’t have to. You’ve got enough on your plate.

Teen Rolls Up To Prom In A Tank

Kelce seems like a cool guy. But is he cool enough to roll up to prom in tank? Ok, probably. But let’s not get sidetracked here. Per TMX, “Sherman Bynum Jr., a student at Camas High School in Camas, rented an M3A1 Stuart tank from a collector for $1,000.” Bynum Jr. lives in Washington state and drove the tank, and his date and friends, to his high school prom.

Bynum Jr. did so to honor his late father who was nicknamed “Tank.” Bynum Sr. was fascinated by military vehicles and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease when his son was just 4 years old. More recently, he developed Lewy body dementia. Father and son thought up the tank idea in February and Sr. passed just weeks later. That didn’t stop the younger Bynum from completing the mission and arriving to the prom in style.

“Things get super crappy sometimes and you have to make your own fun and adventure and you have to find your own strength, one way or the other, and you have to maintain your sense of humor,” Bynum Jr.’s mom told TMX. “He took that lesson and ran with it and I’m so proud.”

Decades later, this makes me think that my just washed Pontiac Grand Am wasn’t nearly as cool as I thought it was when I showed up to prom.

Tank driver Sherman Bynum Jr. and his prom date. (Photo c/o KOIN, CBS Newspath).

Prom tank spurned quite a bit of chatter throughout the OutKick Slack channel this morning. Yep, we’re still using Slack over at HQ until the AI bots come for all of us.

Resident military aficionado David Hookstead likes the approach, but wanted more. My nightcaps associate Zach Dean, can’t believe “Hook” doesn’t already have an M3A1 under a tarp in his garage.

Like I mentioned above, we do the tough work so you don’t have to.

Utah Residents Will Have To Get Their Porn Someplace Other Than Pornhub

Since not everyone goes to prom, there’s Pornhub!

Well, unless you’re in Utah.

The Beehive state was stung on Tuesday morning. If you didn’t know Utah’s state nickname was the “Beehive state,” you’re certainly not alone. And sorry for the pun, but if you lob a softball over the plate, I have no choice but to Mo Vaughn that sucker over the Green Monster.

Where were we? Oh, that’s right, Pornhub. Utah’s new age verification law has gone into effect. The law basically means that Utah residents must provide a government ID to access porn sites. There’s a bunch of other gray areas within the law, but they don’t pay me enough (nor am I qualified) to teach a class on law. Porn on the other hand…Well, never mind my qualifications.

MindGeek, which owns Pornhub, doesn’t agree with users having to submit a government ID in order to indulge in some onscreen T&A. In turn, they’re blocking access to Pornhub for everyone within the state. So if you’re planning to move to Utah and happen to have a slight sex addiction, there’s good news and bad. The good: you can have multiple wives. The bad: no porn for you.

Yahoo reports that Utah residents clicking to Pornhub will be greeted by adult star Cherie DeVille and a message about protecting user identity.

Guess Stockton and Malone will have to head elsewhere for their Salt Lake City internet fix.

Minnesota Lawmaker Goes Topless

A few states over from Utah, a Minnesota lawmaker opted to keep the (almost) porn readily accessible. And they did so during a live-streamed legislative Zoom meeting. When it was State Senator Calvin Bahr’s turn to speak, the camera showed him laying in bed, shirtless. He quickly switched to audio only, but the damage was already done.

Bahr was only present on camera for one second, and that was long enough to form the opinion that my man was coming off a banger of a night. I’m not sure what Bahr’s into, but my eyes tell me this is a guy who enjoys Tijuana in the spring and may not do cocaine, but he’s certainly smelled it.

Maybe he should see if CNN’s hiring.

Derrick Henry Doesn’t Need A Shirt Either

Senator Bahr isn’t the only one spending the early part of his week shirtless. Titans running back Derrick Henry was spotted running up a dirt hill sans shirt earlier this morning, no Zoom call necessary. Tennessee’s 29-year-old star is entering his eighth NFL season and still appears to be a pain in the ass to tackle.

Tiffani Thiessen, Saved by The Bell Cast Reunite

Henry looks as if he’s running to the corner just in time to see the bus fly by. That’s right, we’ve reached the point of Nightcaps where we’re going to talk Saved by the Bell, as promised. Cast members from SBTB got together for dinner over the weekend to celebrate the upcoming 30th anniversary of the greatest Saturday morning (or TBS reruns Mon – Fri for about 15 straight years) TV show of my lifetime.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Mario Lopez, Elizabeth Berkley, and Tiffani Thiessen were among the main cast members on hand to celebrate with dinner in Cali.

Mario Lopez Slater shared some scenes on his Instagram.

Bayside’s finest didn’t share their location, but my money’s on burgers at The Max followed by drinks at The Attic. That’s not important. What is important is that Tiffani Thiessen (yep, she dropped the Amber) was present. And Kelly Kapowski remains a 10. I will hear no arguments.

Fun fact, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen was the first non-sports poster I had in my room. As a kid. Not now, that would be super creepy.

Taking a page out of Nightcaps teammate Zach Dean’s playbook, here’s my Mount Rushmore of Saved By The Bell female cast members:

  1. Kelly Kapowksi
  2. Stacey Carosi (played by Leah Remini in the Malibu Sands episodes)
  3. Lisa Turtle
  4. Jessie Spano (would’ve been bumped up the ladder had we known Showgirls was in her future)

Wait, you thought I was only going to toss up one KK pic? No chance and you’re welcome.

Zack just has to be kicking himself for letting this one get away.

Visiting The Jersey (Are You) Sure?

I had every intention to drop a Halloween ’21 pic in this weekly portion of Nightcaps, but couldn’t track it down. In October of 2021 I attended a party as A.C. Slater, complete with a Bayside #6 Slater jersey. The uniform and wig (oh yeah, I went all out) remain present in my closet, but the pictures have apparently been scrubbed from the internet. Too hot, I surmise.

Instead of me in my Slater’s best, you’ll have to settle for this fan getting creative at the Lakers-Warriors playoff game Tuesday night.

Looks like a Dennis Rodman jersey with duct tape, right? Well, you’re right, but there’s more to it. The duct tape says “Looney” on it which is an ode to Warriors big Kevon Looney who’s been Rodman-like with his playoff rebounding. Including last night, he’s had 20 or more rebounds in four consecutive games.

His rebounding is impressive. The camera zoom skills of whoever photographed the Rodman jersey-wearing fan, not so much.

What I’m (Not) Eating This Week

Let me shoot you straight – I’m a Twix guy. Maybe it’s because I spent my childhood watching Saved by the Bell and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. And, it just so happens that Twix and Ferris Bueller’s used the same song for a memorable movie scene and an (almost) equally memorable commercial.

But I’m here for all the chocolate and the caramel. And you’re gonna give me two, per pack? Hell yeah. Then I stumble upon the fact that the fine folks at Mars – not the planet – have created Twix macaroons…To say I was intrigued would be like suggesting Hunter Biden might dabble in hookers and blow.

I was on the prowl hitting every convenience store in town, only to realize, they left shelves on April 23.

If anyone spots these, anyone…anyone…Bueller, Bueller…let me know.

It’s Not Goodbye, It’s See You Later

That just about concludes our time in the wayback machine. So until next Wednesday, enjoy the best of the ‘net.

*OutKick’s Nightcaps is a daily column that runs weekdays around 4pm EST.

** Want to talk favorite Saved by the Bell episodes or overpriced footballs? Feel free to get in touch: or via Twitter (below).

Follow along on Twitter: @OhioAF

Written by Anthony Farris

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