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You’re getting older, ladies.
Hate to break the news to you, but the years are starting to peel away, and to prove it, businesswoman Gwyneth Paltrow, who pimps horny pills, luxury diapers and the infamous “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle, is showing off her body to celebrate her upcoming 50th birthday.
That’s right, Gwyneth is 50, you blinked and your kids turned into seniors in high school and the next thing you know, it’ll be time to start shopping for a Florida condo and a burial plot.
Hey, life comes at you fast. Sorry to break the news.
Anyway, Paltrow is out this week with an essay on what it means to be turning 50. To celebrate this achievement, she’s showing off her “wrinkles” and “loosening skin” which isn’t exactly clear from the photos she provided as evidence.
“On September 27, I’ll turn 50. As I sit here contemplating this idea in the late summer morning, no moisture in the air, breeze moving only the tops of the trees, I strangely have no sense of time passed,” Paltrow wrote while possibly horned up on the horny pills she sells.
“I am as connected to this feeling of longing, of promise—promise of the fall, of something ebbing—as I was 30 years ago. I understand on some level that life is linear, that I have lived x number of days thus far and I have more in the basket under my arm than I do in the field before me. But there is something about the sweetness of life that exists deep within me that is unchanged, that will not change. It is the essence of the essence. It seems to be getting sweeter.”
That’s deep AF.
Paltrow writes about the “silver hair” and the “fine lines.” She writes poetically about the sun leaving “her celestial fingerprints” all over her body and how she accepts her body and has decided to “let go of the need to be perfect, look perfect, defy gravity, defy logic, defy humanity.”
In fact, she went where most soon-to-be-50-somethings wouldn’t dare.
“I accept my humanity,” the retired actress wrote.
Listen, in no certain terms, it sounds like she wants to turn into one of those shamans like Aaron Rodgers’ girlfriend Blu of Earth. You know the types: vegan AF, yoga AF, pilates AF, deep conversations while tripping on DMT, maybe a weed brownie now and then, wine nights that turn into cool Instagram shoots with other low-key A-list Hollywood types.
Why is it women feel the need to turn into shamans the minute they turn 50?
Hey ladies, feel free to take a six-pack of beer to the beach and listen to Van Halen. This whole shaman thing at 50 is a major buzzkill and comes off like you’re preparing to die.
“I would like to slow down. I would like to retreat a little bit. I would like to make my circle smaller. I would like to cook dinner more. I would like to see misunderstandings become understandings. I would like to continue to open the deepest part of myself to my husband, even though it scares me,” Paltrow adds.
Woah, damn girl. Pump the brakes!
Here’s a better idea: Buy a 1986 Chevrolet Camaro IROC Z28, upgrade the 6X9s, add a removable faceplate CD player, load up the disc player in the trunk with classics, and get your ass moving.
This slowing down thing sounds like nursing home talk. Get it together girlfriend. You have too many years of selling those vagina candles and horny pills ahead of you.
50 is the new 35 on Instagram. Start acting like it.