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Did you miss me?!
I return this week after a two-week hiatus in the Free State of Florida. I am remarkably tan and dangerously dehydrated.
Just as the Lord intended after a beach vacation.
Isn’t that how it goes, though? In theory, you should return from break refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to take on life.
In reality, though, we need a vacation to recover from our vacation. I’m tired. I’m brain dead. I wanted a beer at 8 a.m.
I did manage not to be a complete bum, though. I’m one of those ultra right-wing extremists who works out every day on vacation. Not necessarily because I’m dedicated to my health. But because I’m incredibly vain, and I want to look hot in a bikini while still drinking my weight in Miller Lites.
It’s called balance. Look it up.
Finding a gym in a new city is always an adventure, though. It usually goes something like this.
But now I’m back home to my garage gym, my own comfy bed and my work-from-home job. Non-vacation life is actually pretty cool, too.
After all, I get to hang with you guys.
That said, I think it’s just about beer thirty, don’t you? Grab a cold one. Hell, grab two. And let’s see what Nightcaps has in store for us today!
Men In The Hamptons Are Getting Penis Injections
You had to know I was going to bring some nonsense like this on my first day back.
If you’re insecure about your manhood, you’re in luck. Penis extension shots are actually a thing. And apparently they are all the rage in the Hamptons.
According to urologist Dr. David Shusterman, “there’s definitely penis envy” among all the rich dudes up there.
“These guys in the Hamptons love to skinny-dip at night — and they don’t want to come up short,” he said.
Apparently it works like a facial. (Not that kind of facial, you perv.) These injections make your skin grow and glow!
“It helps improve the blood vessels, so you have not only better blood flow to penis during sex, but it improves the size. It makes it fuller-looking, because it improves the blood vessels down to your penis,” Dr. Shusterman said.
The d-ck doc says the procedure can add up to 1.25 inches.
“An inch is a large amount, especially if you’re looking at a smaller penis,” he said.
It’s gonna cost you, though. The enhancement runs about $10,000 for a series of five shots administered every month.
Who says money can’t buy happiness?
By the way, to find a stock photo for this story, I literally typed “measuring penis” into Getty Images. The results did not disappoint.
Like this one, for example.
This next guy’s probably on his way to Dr. Shusterman as we speak.
And, of course, there’s this — a more literal interpretation.
I’m laughing way harder than I should be.
But back to the matter at hand: Women are already getting implants, butt lifts, lip injections and every other body-enhancing procedure under the sun. So why not?
Treat yourself, fellas!
Greg Olsen Doesn’t Want To Be “The D-ck Guy”
I am truly sorry so much of today’s Nightcaps revolves around male genitalia. I swear this wasn’t my intention.
It’s just the news cycle, baby, what can ya do?
Greg Olsen tries really hard not to draw penises on live TV, but sometimes he can’t help himself.
The retired NFL tight end turned broadcaster explained this week on Barstool’s Pardon My Take.
“I’ve messed up a million things and drawn the wrong picture,” Olsen said. “That’s tough. There’s so many things in NFL football that look like penises. And there’s a lot of very questionable verbiage that’s used in NFL football.”
Like what, Greg?
“‘Come inside.’ There’s a lot of stuff that you gotta be careful.”
See, we’re all really just giggling, immature 12-year-olds at heart.
“And I’m not gonna lie. There’s times where I’m like, ‘Here’s a safety, here’s a safety’ and you want to show that third little zone and you’re like, nope! Delete. Clear screen,” Olsen said. “I’m not gonna be the d-ck guy.”
Honestly, Greg, embrace it. Just be the d-ck guy.
Everyone loves a good penis joke.
Unless — and this is a dramatic pivot — you’re watching a movie with your parents.
Sunday night, I sat down with my sweet mother and my conservative father to watch a movie called “The Out-Laws” on Netflix. It was funny. Very silly. Would recommend.
But, my God, never have I ever heard so many d-ck references in a single movie. They really should put a warning on that.
Then again, here I am unexpectedly bombarding you with the same thing on Nightcaps.
Just get another beer. You’ll be fine. Let’s move on.
Gigi Hadid Arrested For Weed
I’m a poet, and I didn’t even know it!
Sorry, I had to.
Here’s your reward for suffering through two stories about man parts: a story about a hot supermodel and her (in my opinion) hotter friend.
Here’s a photo of the two of them either shielding themselves from the sun or sleeping sitting up.
Side note: Pictures like this are so funny to me. Because you can only get away with this pose if you are a 15/10. It’s so silly and unnatural.
If I tried to pose like this for a photo, my husband would ask me how many mimosas I actually drank this morning or why I didn’t share the shrooms I got from Wiz Khalifa.
Imagine the absolute roasting you would get if you and your buddy posted something like this on Instagram.
Anyway, Gigi Hadid was arrested in the Cayman Islands last week after officials found marijuana and drug paraphernalia in her luggage.
The 28-year-old model and Leah McCarthy were taken into custody on “suspicion Importation of Ganja and Importation of Utensils used for the consumption of ganja.”
It’s much ado about nothing, though. Both Hadid and McCarthy were formally charged and fined $1,000 each.
And for an international supermodel, that probably affected her about as much as the $2 I’m about to drop on a Powerball ticket.
The pot is up to $1 billion now, by the way. So if you don’t see me for Nightcaps next week, you know what happened.
Anyway, judging by Instagram, the world’s hottest stoners are doing just fine.
“All’s well that ends well.”
How To Get A Drink For Free
Look out for this little trick, fellas.
A TikToker named Kendall Kiper has cracked the code on how to get a free drink “99.9% of the time.”
First off, this girl doesn’t even look old enough to drink. But maybe I’m just a cranky grandma.
Here’s her tactic — aimed at all the ladies out there:
First, get in line at the bar and target a dude who looks like he’s full of himself.
“It’s very important the type of guy that you scout out,” Kendall said. “You need to look for a guy who looks like they have a super big ego.”
Next, ask him what he’s drinking tonight.
“So let’s say he’s like, ‘Oh, I’m about to order a tequila soda,’” she explained. “You can either be like, ‘Oh, I love tequila sodas,’ or you can be like, ‘Oh, I was going to order a vodka cran.’”
Then comes the reverse psychology! Ask him: “I would love to buy your drink. Can I buy you a drink?”
Kendall assumes, then, the male ego will not be able to handle a woman buying him a drink. So he will offer to pay for both!
She says the technique is “a little f-cked up,” but it’s OK because men treat women “like sh-t” 95% of the time.
I’m not sure where she is getting her stats, but I’m sure they’re legit.
Guys, be vigilant. Currently, this video has 1.7 million views. So there’s a good chance you could fall victim to this same trick.
My advice: Call her bluff. When she asks you what you’re drinking, tell her the name of an expensive bourbon she’s never heard of. When she offers to pay, let her.
Maybe I’m just an asshole, though.
But if it were my husband she was targeting, that would be the only acceptable response.
This works, too:
But seriously, the funniest part of this video is that our darling Kendall thinks she’s come up with some groundbreaking revelation.
Let me let you in on another surefire tip for getting men to buy you drinks: Be an attractive, 21-year-old blond.
I Owe Miranda Lambert An Apology
Last night I wrote a piece about country star Miranda Lambert stopping in the middle of a show to scold a group of fans for attempting to take a selfie during an emotional heartbreak ballad.
If you missed it, here you go:
I argued the people paid their hard-earned money to attend the concert, and Miranda was out of line for berating them over the photos.
But then I saw this.
Turns out, it wasn’t just a quick, low-key selfie she was upset about. It was a full-on photo shoot right in front of the stage. And according to this video, it started several minutes before Miranda finally stopped the show and confronted them.
The distraction “continued with more people and flash into Tin Man, which was distracting to everyone around them during one of the most powerful moments,” this TikToker wrote. “Everyone around them was happy Miranda addressed it.
So, given this context, I’ve changed my opinion on the matter. Miranda was totally right for shutting down this nonsense.
A selfie is one thing. Half a dozen women blocking the view of everyone around them for several minutes is another.
But I sincerely hope they treasure this photo forever.
While we’re on the topic of country music, though, I’ll leave you with this.
There’s a lot of buzz about Jason Aldean’s latest song. My colleague David Hookstead already explained it beautifully, but the gist of the song is that burning down big cities is bad and small towns are much safer.
Pro-rioters and anti-2A folks say that’s not cool, bro!
But if you are one of the people upset with that video, here’s one you might like better:
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.