Woke Starbucks Does America A Huge Favor Heading Into 2026

Starbucks – the unfathomably woke coffee empire that takes up 90% of local real estate – just did America a massive favor on the eve of 2026. 

That's right. I'm giving Starbucks props, which is so against everything I stand for I can't even believe what I'm saying. But I'm doing it. They deserve props for this one. They deserve an ‘Atta Boy.’ They deserve some respect. 

Earlier this week, the insufferable coffee chain announced that over 400 locations would be CLOSING this upcoming year. That's right. 

Over 400! Bye-bye, Starbucks! Only 1,000,000 to go!

Starbucks does the right thing here

This is the way! Get those woke, pink-haired baristas with nose rings and ‘My Body, My Choice’ shirts OFF of my local exit! We don't want them anymore! We don't need Starbucks in this country. We need them all gone. This is a good start. 

Now, to be fair, equally woke ChatGPT tells me that there are, roughly, 17,000 Starbucks locations in America as of Dec. 2025. Closing down 400 of those would eliminate just 2% of them. That's not a huge chunk, but Rome also wasn't built in a day, so we'll take what we can get. 

Look, I don't want people to lose jobs. I'm not rooting for that here. But, Starbucks is the worst. It's just the worst. Maybe it's because I'm a Boston guy, so I have Dunks ingrained in my brain. I'm sure that makes me a little biased here, and I'm fine with that. 

But that doesn't change the fact that Starbucks is overpriced, way too strong of a brew, and, again, insufferably woke. The pink-haired baristas stage a walk-out/protest twice a year at this point. It's embarrassing. They also bring back Pumpkin Spice Lattes in August, which is disgusting. 

To be fair, Dunkin' does that, too. Fair is fair, and I have to be fair here. They get a strike for that one as well. 

But you know what really pisses me off about Starbucks? The stupid measuring system they use. 

• Short
• Tall
• Grande
• Venti
• Trenta

Literally the DUMBEST thing in this country is the Starbucks measuring system. When the First Lady forces me to go, I never, ever, leave the drive-thru in a good mood. I'm always so beyond flustered because I have no clue what I just ordered. 

Seriously. When I order from Starbucks, I have no clue what I'm getting when I pull up to the window. None. 

They could hand me a tiny little shot of coffee, or one the size of a big gulp. Neither would surprise me. It's the Wild Wild West of ordering, and it's so stupid. 

Tall is short. Grande is medium. Venti is large. Nobody knows what Trenta is. And we're all dumber because of it. 

So, yes, I'm glad 400 stores are shutting down in 2026. Good riddance!

Happy New Year's Eve.