Team USA Takes Gold And Other Stuff — But Most Importantly, Team USA Takes Gold
Everything you need to know from the week that was, especially the part about Team USA gold medals in men's and women's hockey!
It’s Saturday morning, which means it's time to sleep in for a couple more hours and then roll out of bed to get caught up on the news of the week with a little help from The Punch-Up!
And what a week it was…
If we're being honest, there’s only one thing that truly matters this week, which is the US Men’s and Women’s hockey teams being gold medal winners. And, of course, the fact that it's sent the wokes into an existential crisis.
But that’s okay because the gold medals are stateside, baby!
Say it with me!
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
There was some other stuff that happened this week (believe it or not), so let’s dig right on in…
Viewership of the 2004 film "Miracle" about the 1980 Miracle on Ice team is up 300% following Team USA’s gold medal win this week. Also up 300%? Liberal meltdowns.
The US Men’s hockey team visited the White House after their gold medal win. This has left liberals finally coming to terms with the fact that, no, real NHL players aren’t much like the ones they saw in "Heated Rivalry."
Caitlin Clark was seen hanging out with controversial skier Eileen Gu during Milan Fashion Week. Clark said it was a good time, but it was weird that Gu kept bringing up how much the Chinese women’s basketball team could use a new guard.
Angels owner Arte Moreno made the eyebrow-raising claim that fans don’t care about winning. He’s right, though: if they cared about winning, they wouldn’t be Angels fans.
The Pokémon franchise celebrated its 30th anniversary this week. It’s hard to believe, but parents around the world have now spent three decades referring to it as "The Pokémons."
Actress Amanda Seyfried revealed that she wore a "prosthetic butthole" for an upcoming film. That’s the first time I ever heard that term used by someone who wasn’t referring to Keith Olbermann.
Got all of that?
Good. See you back here next week.