Sean Payton's Rocket Launcher Wife Invades NOLA, Shania Twain's Tongue Has Us Talking & Woke Rosa Parks Day!
First Hump Day of February, which works well because it's the month of love. Always nice when a plan works out.
Let's get AFTER it today, boys and girls. I shot 43 on the front nine yesterday, and that included the always-scary ‘playing through a group because they’re too slow, so you better not put this approach shot in the water' hole.
Happened on No. 2 yesterday, and I pured an 8-iron right to the edge of the green. Talk about a SWEAT. But, that's what patriots do. We strap in, get to work, and face our fears with enough piss and vinegar to melt a Lib's face off.
God I love this country.
Welcome to a Wednesday Nightcaps – the one where we check in with Sean Payton and Jon Gruden with a couple of FIRECRACKERS in New Orleans, and go from there.
What else? I've got Lyin' Chuck Schumer firing up the Dems like primetime Ray Lewis, a virtue-signaling Rosa Parks stunt gone exactly as one would expect, totally normal Shania Twain checking in before the big game and Kay Adams keeping her HEATER going strong on the first Hump Day of February.
Once again, we threw up the Kay Adams bat signal, and, once again, she responded like an absolute vet.
Grab you a good friend to shower with to celebrate National Shower With A Friend Day – what a DAY! – and then dry off so you can settle in for a Hump Day 'Cap!
Let's get this Super Bowl week started strong
That's actually what today is, by the way. True story. There really is a day for everything.
Usually I'd have some sort of Mount Rushmore to pump out right around here, but I'll be honest with you, there is literally not one single friend I'd choose to shower with. Sorry. Wake me up when it's National Shower With Your Wife's Friend(s) Day!
Just kidding, of course.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah … it's Super Bowl week. Weird, right? Doesn't quite have the buzz we're used to, which is to be expected when the same teams are in it again.
I know we have Chiefs fans in class – and I'd assume Eagles fans, too – so I'm gonna try my best to be excited for this.
But, frankly, I'm just so over Travis Kelce at this point. This dude used to be cool and likeable. Now, he can't even handle a tongue-in-cheek question during media night:
God. The worst. Hey, Travis – lighten up. Go in the back and take another COVID jab, come back out, and relaaaaaaaaaax. This guy. He shoved Pfizer down our throats all last year, then banged Taylor Swift, and now he's just the worst.
The good news is, we got a much-needed palette-cleanser last night in the form of Sean Payton and Jon Damn Gruden.
And, of course, a couple ROCKETS attached to their hips:
Really solid day yesterday from the wokes
ELITE hand placement there from Coach Payton. Veteran move from a Super Bowl champion head coach. What a night that must have been for Gruden and Payton. Can't think of two bigger bros to hang out with in NOLA before the big game.
I think we're in for a big week of #content coming out of New Orleans. If this was any indication, buckle up. It's gonna be a special ride.
Unless, of course, the big, bad, mean, orange man is in town!
Incredible. God, I love Mike Freeman. That unhinged wacko over at my former employer is such a loser, it's almost impressive at this point. Trump melts his brain so regularly nowadays, I don't know how he hasn't just fainted yet. Has he taken a mental health day recently? I know for a fact the wokes over at Gannett offer them.
Mike wakes up, and thinks about Trump. Goes to bed, and is just seething at all the nasty stuff Trump did that day.
In-between, he pumps out Big J journalism like THIS:
The best. The Dems are so defeated at this point, it's almost sad. Like, they have no fight left. They're just going back to their old talking points that nobody gives a shit about.
White man: Bad. Trump: Racist. IMPEACH! IMPEACH! IMPEACH!
They'll never win again, will they? They're so coo –
HANG ON JUST ONE SECOND:
Rosa's big day, Kay's big month & ESPN!
Nevermind. I take it ALL back!
The Libs are back, baby! The Dems – down for months now – are BACK. Does Trump even bother coming into work after that? I wouldn't.
How do we – the Big R Republicans – compete with that? I mean, it's over, right? If 2028 was today, the Dems would win in a landslide after the American public caught a whiff of that chant.
We will win! We will win! …. *weird stumble and pause for quick changeup* … We won't rest! We won't rest! We won't rest!
Yeah, we are cooked. It's curtains. Meanwhile, when Chuck isn't firing up the crowd, we have Jasmine Crockett – who literally nobody heard of until the Dems unleashed her earlier this year – calling us mean white folks "mediocre."
I want that on a hat now. STAT. I'm a mediocre white boy! Hell, put it on a shirt, too. I want the entire Mediocre White Boy collection. Incredible.
Glad to see the Dems have their fastball back. Look out, Trump!
OK, rapid-fire time because I have two sick kids in the living room and haven't slept since Christmas. First up? Let's check in on how yesterday's National Rosa Parks Day turned out:
I mean, we're just the best. God, I love this country. What a dumb thing to do. Could you imagine if you got on a bus, and it was packed to the brim, and you couldn't sit down because that dumb sign was on the only empty seat left?
I'd sit my ass down so fast, heads would SPIN. Top-notch virtue-signaling here. Really good stuff. Love this dude. Love the fire. Love the conviction. Legend.
Next? Speaking of sitting down – let's check in with Kay Adams, who continues just an unrelenting run of #content:
What a run here for Queen Kay. She's been a Nightcaps regular for years now, and her game is only evolving.
PS: Kay vs. Molly? What a battle. I'd take Kay 100 times out of 100, though. I don't trust anyone who works for the World Wide (Woke) Leader.
Speaking of … let's check in with how they're handling Trump's latest order!
Take us home, Shania!
What the hell is a biologically assigned male? Seriously? Does ESPN think a woman just pumps out a baby, the doctor yanks it out, and then picks a gender out of a hat and BAM – assigns it right there on the spot?
While that would be a wild way to decide gender, it's just not how it works. God, ESPN is the worst. Can't they just be normal and say … oh, I don't know, something like, "men from participating in women's sports."
I'm just spit-balling here, but that seems like a pretty easy way to say it. But, of course, it ain't progressive enough for ESPN. God forbid they anger the mob. You never, ever anger the mob. Big no-no.
OK, that's it for today. Let's check in with Shania Twain's tongue on the way out. Yep, you read it right.
What a commercial. What a career-arc. This ain't your daddy's Shania.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Which gender were you assigned at birth? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.