Oilers Boob Flasher Is Ready For Game 1, Kelly Stafford Stuffed In A Dress & Fake Outrage At Wake's Coach

Happy Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals Day to all who celebrate! That's probably not a ton of you. Some, but not a ton. 

Also, Happy Hump Day to all who celebrate, as well! Conversely, that's all of you. Thus, we have something for everyone in today's class! And they say we aren't inclusive enough. Hogwash!

Big day here in Florida. Big day in Edmonton. USA vs. Canada once again for the Cup. I'd love nothing more than to flatten those socialists once again before officially welcoming them as our cherished 51st state. 

What a story that would be! From rags to riches, as they say. 

Anyway, welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we gear up for Game 1 with iconic Oilers flasher, Kait Flynn, and go from there. 

What else? We'll stay in Florida as we check in with this insufferable weatherman down in Miami, because the fearmongering from this lunatic is OFF the charts. We'll also say hi to Kelly Stafford, mock the Libs who want this Wake Forest manager fired, and check out Donald Trump's lock screen. 

The lefties are melting down over it today, which just means more #content for sane Americans like us. Win-win!

Grab you a water – yep, just a water – and settle in for Hump Day 'Cap!

Anyone here done this water fast?

I know, a weird way to start class, but it's our first hump day of pride month, so we might as well make it a weird one. 

Whatever that means. 

Anyway, I was mindlessly scrolling Twitter last night as the Red Sox lost another 1-run game on the color TV, and this little post from former OSU great, Cardale Jones, grabbed me by the plumbs:

Anyone here ever done this water fast? Cardale ain't the first, obviously. I believe both Dana White and Joe Rogan have done it, and they swear by it. 

I've done a couple semi-fasts before – and I've talked about both – but neither were 72-hour water fasts. 

That's big league stuff. The fasts I did included some sort of broth/collagen soup a couple times a day. An electrolyte drink. I could drink black coffee. Stuff like that. And they worked, by the way. 

But three days with water and only water? Whoooooooof. I don't know that I have that in me, although I'm intrigued by the whole thing. People swear by these fasts. They talk about all the mental clarity they have by the end of it. How much more energy they had. How much more focused they were. 

I told the First Lady last night that I might dabble in it at some point this summer. Not sure yet. Admittedly, my stomach felt like it was literally eating itself by 9 a.m. this morning, so I may need some time to build up to it. We'll see. 

I've lost about 15 pounds since the start of March – on purpose, of course – but I feel like a water fast to top it all off would be an electric start to the second-half of the year. Thoughts?

Lemme know!

Trump's phone background has the Libs on high alert today

Anyone done Dana's fast? That one sounds more doable, frankly, because of the broth. The good news is, we already have that bone broth stocked up in the pantry because the First Lady won't let us buy anything else. 

It costs $400 a pop, but apparently it'll keep me alive longer. I won't be able to do anything with those extra years because I won't have any money left, but at least I'll be alive. Right? 

Right?!

OK, let's move this along. We've gotta start humping before the day is through!

While the Big R Republicans played grab-ass in congress this week – pissing off Elon along the way – the Big D Dems were being equally insufferable by melting down over Trump's phone background. 

Spoiler alert … it's him!

Fake outrage at Wake, Kelly Stafford checks in & is oh no, the meteorologists will still SUCK this summer!

Incredible. God, I love the Libs. The right may be useless, too, but at least we aren't complete dorks. I mean, look at some of those tweets. Harry Sisson, easily the biggest beta of all, acting holier than thou after the past few months he's had is amazing. 

Look it up yourself. I ain't getting into it here, now, or ever. He's one of the creepiest dudes around. Looks like he smells like a middle school locker room. Definitely acts the part, too. 

The only person who drives Donald Trump to do better? Donald Trump. And, if all else fails, he still gets to go home to Melania. 

"bUt sHe'S nOt oN hIs LoCk sCrEeN, ZaCh!"

So?

She may not be on his wallpaper, but she's in his bed, and that's something the beta soy boys on the left will never, ever get to experience.  

Now, let's rapid-fire this Hump Day class into a Hump Day night. 

First up? You know who is 100% triggered by Trump's phone? Insufferable, virtue-signaling, gaslighting Miami meteorologist, John Morales:

Good God. Get off it, John. Enough. We get it. Don't use your five minutes of air time to bitch and moan to us. 

Here's a tip for anyone coming down to Florida this summer: don't even bother watching the weather. If a hurricane is on the way, don't start to even kinda-sorta sweat it until about 48 hours out. Everything else you here before that? It's all BS. I've lived here my whole life. You know the least trustworthy people down here, besides the folks who like Disney? 

Weather folks. They're never accurate. And this is all virtue-signaling, by the way. Dorian? The major hurricane he's talking about from a few years ago? That's nonsense. We were told explicitly for over a WEEK that this thing was going to pummel us. 

We evacuated. Headed inland. Ran for the hills. 

I'm not sure a sign was even knocked down. 

Piss off, John. 

Ryan's right, by the way. Look at those headlines. This is exactly what lefty John wanted. It's what all weather folks want this time of year. 

They want the headlines. The mass hysteria. The panic. They LOVE fearmongering. This is their Super Bowl. Miserable. 

Anyway … next? Let's cool down with … more fake outrage!

Goodness gracious. What are we doing here? When I talk about the Pussification of America, this is it. Right here. 

I've got a newsflash for all the softies out there today … that ain't nothing. Nothing. That's kid's play compared to the things said in locker rooms and clubhouses across America. 

Disclaimer: I'm going to use some NASTY language here in a minute, so if you wanna skip this section, feel free. 

My DIII college coach once called the entire team "fags and pussies" on the bus ride home after a loss, and then followed it up with his very important get-out-jail-free card: "And I can say that, because I got a gay brother!"

True story. 

We didn't melt or run to the AD to seek comfort. We put our big boy hats on, and moved the hell on. Nobody cried. There was no fake outrage. We didn't alert the Boston Globe. We just … took it. 

He also called me "Fatty Dean" after my sophomore season. I spent the summer working on a beach on Nantucket, and came back 30 pounds lighter and in the best shape of my life. See how that works?

Now, we still lost most of our games that season because we stunk – and so did he, frankly – but at least we went out like MEN. Grow up, Libs. 

Finally, let's check in with Kelly Stafford on the way to Edmonton:

Take us into Game 1, Kait!

That's our girl! I guarantee you Kelly Stafford ain't crying about the Wake Forest coach today. You know Matt's heard way worse, although Sean McVay is more of the new-breed of coach, so maybe not? 

In any event, it's good to see Kelly back and looking her best in MAGA red! 

OK, that's it for today. We've got a big Game 1 between Florida and Edmonton to prepare for tonight. I've got the Cats in 7, naturally, although the Oilers losing two years in a row seems a bit far-fetched. 

They also have infamous boob flasher Kait Flynn on their side once again, and she's READY for a big series. 

Let's GET it. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

You mad at the Wake coach? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.