Nikki Glaser Crammed Into A See-Through Dress, Tony Romo Annoyed America In Week 1 & FSU Cowgirl Jenn Sterger!

Happy NFL season to all who celebrate! Mine looked a lot like my sex life yesterday, but as is life, being a Dolphins fan. 

Over before it even began. 

Sad. Oh well. That's why God invented gambling and fantasy football, I reckon. 

Regardless, it's good to be back. I was so locked in on the Sunday Night Football game last night, I didn't even care that it was the Bills. I watched the entire second half from my kitchen while unpacking the pantry stuff. 

I now have a big enough kitchen and house where I had to put a tiny TV on a corner cabinet. And if that wasn't just the best feeling in the world, I don't know what is. 

Anyway, welcome to a Monday Nightcaps – the one where we dominate the VMAs with Nikki Glaser, and go from there. 

What else? I've got the best of the rest from a predictably LOADED weekend of #content, Tony Romo wasted no time annoying the piss out of America yesterday afternoon, and FSU cowgirl Jenn Sterger celebrated a big anniversary with a walk down memory lane. 

How's THAT for a Monday menu? Come on! Who says the Dolphins have me down in the dumps today? I'm ready to go. Let's roll. 

Grab you an Alka-Seltzer and a glass of water to wash away the Sunday hangover, and settle in for a Monday 'Cap!

My NFL Sunday wasn't the best

I'm gonna go ahead and get the Dolphins stuff outta the way now, because I don't need that embarrassing excuse of an organization weighing us down the rest of class. 

I've seen a lot of bad Miami Dolphins football over my lifetime. A lot. I lived through 2007. I lived through Chad Henne, and Cleo Lemon, and John Beck, and the insufferable Tannehill/Gase years. I never thought I'd get any lower than losing 59-10 to the Ravens in Week 1 of the tank season. 

Until yesterday, of course. Yesterday was an all-time low. I knew they'd be mediocre this season. I didn't think they'd be in contention for the No. 1 pick. 

• I'm a Tua guy. Send him to the moon. He's toast. 
• Trade Tyreek to the Chiefs TODAY. They need a receiver. Get it done. 
• Give McDaniel a few more weeks and then fire his ass, too. I'd hire Jon Gruden next season and wouldn't think twice about it. I wouldn't say no to Rex Ryan, either. 

I'm disgusted by the Miami Dolphins today. I assume this will be a recurring theme for the next 20 Mondays. By October, I'll be numb to it. For now, I'm still disgusted. 

In hindsight, we went into the season with a guy named ‘Storm Duck’ as our top cornerback. Perhaps I should've put some coin on Daniel Jones yesterday. Instead, I wasted $20 on De'Vone Achane overs. 

Idiot. 

What a weekend of #content!

They've pissed off Larry Csonka. God, I hate them. Larry turns 79 this year! Can we please show him a winner one time before he calls it a career? Same with Hootie, although hopefully he has a bit more time left.

Disgraceful team. I also lost every bet I placed yesterday, and need a miracle tonight to win my fantasy league. 

All that being said … a bad NFL Sunday beats the hell out of a good non-NFL Sunday. Welcome back, brother. Let's get to the #content:

Jenn, Nikki & Tony, oh my!

Obviously, it's an NFL-heavy edition. Can you blame me? Come on! America's Game is back, baby. Couple things …

1. Always good when your AD is sending out "He's our guy" emails after Week 2. Usually ends well. 

2. What a punt. 

3. I can't believe Kyler Murray is a real person. 

4. Tough graphic for Scott Hanson. Also, THIS is what everyone was whining about last week? Seriously?

There's a reason I never jumped on RedZone for selling out last week when the whole country was, and that's because I didn't think it was a huge deal. It wasn't. 

4. Anyone have to sit through Tony Romo for the Lions-Packers snoozer? Thoughts? I didn't think he was awful, but … I clearly wasn't as dialed in as others. 

Rapid-fire time!

I don't understand the ‘6 7’ stuff, and I frankly don't care to try to understand it. But if it's annoying enough for Tony to get in on the action, it must be unbearably bad. 

Anyway, I'm gonna give Tony a pass for Week 1. He had to call an awful game, and we're all working out the kinks. The bar for Tony Romo is pretty low at this point, and I think he cleared it yesterday. Not great, but certainly not his worst. 

Wait till he gets a Chiefs or Bills game. THEN, we'll truly be back. 

Next? Before we end the day with Nikki, let's show the proper respect to FSU legend Jenn Sterger, who celebrated a big anniversary over the weekend!

Twenty years! Wow. Time flies. Jenn has been through a lot since that magical moment – if you know, you know – but she still has her fastball today. In fact, I'd argue it's as effective as ever. 

And hey! The Noles might be good again. They beat some team I'd never heard of 77-3 on Saturday. Good for them. Billy Napier would've lost. 

OK, that's it for today. Good weekend. Better start to the week. Let's keep the momentum up as we get into the meat of September. 

Take us there, Nikki Glaser!

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

Are my Dolphins cooked? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.