Nikki Glaser Is America's Hottest Housewife, Sydney Sweeney Gets An OnlyFans & Jamie Lee Sobs About Trump

A Thanksgiving Eve Hump Day? Holy cow. How lucky are WE? Imagine not living in America. What an awful existence that must be. 

But we do, and we're damn proud of it. Big night tonight. Huge. This is when all your hard work starts to pay off on the field. If you're waiting till tomorrow to attack your bird, you're too late. It's like my old high school baseball coach used to say – if you're five minutes early, you're 10 minutes late. 

All turkeys should officially be thawed by today. If you're reading this, and it's not, get to WORK. You're behind, but you're not out of it. Yet. 

If yours is thawed, fire up that injector (hey now!) and start rubbing it down (HEY NOW!). You've got about 12 hours of solid marinate time ahead of you. Don't waste a minute. 

Well, waste a few while you read this. And THEN, get to work. Let's roll. 

Welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where Nikki Glaser throws on an apron and channels her inner 50's housewife as Thanksgiving prep begins. 

What else? I've got Jamie Lee Curtis being just insufferable, Sydney Sweeney starting an OnlyFans (sort of), Paige drops new calendar #content, and a quick reminder to watch the ONLY Thanksgiving movie tonight as you stuff your bird. Just a quick PSA for those who forgot. 

OK, grab you a Turkeytini (yep) and settle in for a Hump Day 'Cap!

Planes, Trains & Automobiles still holds up today

Apparently, it's a thing. You could not pay me enough to attempt that, but I'm also not the target audience, I'd imagine. I drink $15 whiskey and water every night. I don't see myself "grating fresh nutmeg" any time soon. 

But, if you want to seem fancy and cultured tomorrow, have at it! You're welcome. 

OK, let's get down to business. Here's my yearly PSA to watch Planes, Trains and Automobiles tonight if you haven't already. I watched it the other night, and my God, does it hold up. Just a work of art in a long line of masterpieces from John Candy. 

He was just the best. Losing him and Robin Williams still pisses me off every year at random times. This is one of those times. 

Candy was excellent, as always. Steve Martin, although I'm not the biggest fan, was excellent. The twist at the end? Such a gut-punch. The car scene. The bed scene. Steve Martin's hot wife just randomly having scenes here and there for literally no reason at all? 

Gun to my head, if I HAD to rank John Candy movies, I think it slots in at No. 3 for me:

1. Uncle Buck (duh)

2. Great Outdoors (a summer staple)

3. P, T & A

4. Cool Runnings 

I wanted to put Home Alone in there just to get the obligatory "HE'S BARELY IN THE MOVIE!" emails, but it's a Thanksgiving Hump Day and I don't feel like dealing with it today. 

What an actor. What a movie. 

How about Jamie Lee's trajectory?

"You're in a pretty lousy mood, huh? You ever traveled by bus before? Well, your mood's probably not gonna improve much."

Perfect. Gets me every time. Such an underrated line in that movie. RIP John Candy. The man. 

OK, let's go ahead and transition from one 80s star who was the best, to another 80s star who has become such an insufferable blow-hard, I don't even recognize her anymore. 

Jamie Lee Curtis! You wanna see TDS on full display across the pond? Check out this humdinger from Jamie Lee, who sobs her way through an interview about Princess Diana and … Trump?

Starts at the 10-min mark. Don't worry. I'd never make you sit through the whole thing.

Nikki's cooking, Paige is BACK & don't overthink this bird

Amazing. 

*Crying*

"Extraordinary person … extraordinary person. I mean, what an example. And look at where I live (throws hand up in disgusted fashion). 

"And look at the example of the leaders, look at the example of the people leading my country, and the hatred that they spew. And the way they treat people. And the way they talk about people."

My God. It's just incredible. It's all so fake, and yet, so, so impressive. Jamie Lee Curtis is so full of crap. These fake tears ain't fooling me, Jamie Lee! You're not crying over this. Stop it. 

And really? We're crying about Princess Diana nearly 30 years later? Really? We're still doing that, huh? I mean, she was great, but really? Crying? 

And of course – of COURSE – she has to beautifully blend Donald J. Trump into this tear-fest. Because why not? 

Yeah, let's LOOK at the way the leaders of this country talk about people. They call them Hitler. And a fascist. They arrest them. They call their supporters "deplorables." Sometimes, they try to kill them. Sometimes, they actually do kill them. 

Piss off, Jamie Lee. Don't try to rewrite history here because Trump wagged his finger at someone and said "Piggy." No, no, no. We're WAY past that at this point. 

Quick rapid-fire session because I have turkey to tend to. First up? Sydney Sweeney's character in Euphoria, which none of you watch, is apparently starting an OnlyFans this upcoming season. 

So, you know, if ever you wanted to hop aboard …

Look, Sydney Sweeney is hot and that's why we're all here … but did ANYONE actually read what the synopsis of this season is? 

Rue is still using drugs, and being kidnapped by drug dealers. Two groups are after her. Cassie and Nate are engaged. Cassie has an OnlyFans, Nate finds her dressed as a Playboy Bunny taking photos.

What the hell kind of show is this? Does ANYONE in class watch it? Please, fill us in. It seems insane. Might be right in my wheelhouse. I'm intrigued. 

Next? Look who is BACK from the dead!

YES! Paige Spiranac has finally spoken, nearly two weeks after she rocked the golf world by accidentally (?) cheating in the Internet Invitational. 

We've gone over it extensively, so I'm not going to rehash the whole story here. If you need a primer, I've written about it 4,000 times. Take your pick. 

Anyway, after coming out of hiding to sell some new calendars, Paige went on Instagram and gave her side of the story:

Hey, scumbags … how about we cool it with the death threats? Imagine, just for a second, being THAT triggered by someone fof improving their lie at something called the "Internet Invitational. What a word that must be to live in. 

More calendar #content, less drama on the course from Paige. This is a good start. Let's stuff some stockings this holiday season!

OK, that's it for today. What a Thanksgiving Hump Day, huh? Before we get to Nikki, a quick suggestion for those doing turkeys for the first time this year …

Don't overthink it. My go-to recipe that I've used for years now? 

- Inject it with Italian dressing. 

- Throw some creole seasoning (the green can), pepper, garlic powder and cayenne in a bowl. Mix it up. Add in some more Italian dressing. Mix it some more so it makes a paste. 

- Rub the shit out of the bird. All over. Everywhere. Inside, outside, and anywhere in between. Get some in that cavity, too. 

- Fridge overnight. 

- Fry it at 375 for 4(ish) minutes per pound. I have a 15(ish) pound bird. She's going in the fryer for 65 minutes. 

- Let it rest for 20 minutes, and go to town. 

- Play ‘Peanuts Christmas Album’ the whole time. 

You're welcome! 

Happy Thanksgiving Eve, everyone. Talk tomorrow (for those of you who actually come to class). 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

How do you do your turkeys? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.