Nancy Mace Is America's Hottest Waffle House Waitress, Pride Balls Are Here & Elon's Pissing Contest Vs. Trump

Over the hump and safely into the back-half of the week … and everyone is mad! God, we're all so cranky this week. 

Elon vs. Trump. Republican voters vs. "Republicans" in congress. The disgusting state of Minnesota is trotting out a boy to destroy young girls on the softball field. Nike refuses to talk to us. Russia and Ukraine seem … unwell. It's 4 billion degrees outside. The Florida Panthers choked last night and forced me to stay up till midnight to watch it. 

I mean, can we please get some good news before nightfall? Something? Anything? This is why they call it Dog Days of Summer, I reckon. Nothing to look forward to. Sports are about to be in a dead period. Nobody cares about the NBA Finals. Football doesn't start for two more months. Dumb Jerome Powell refuses to do his job. 

It's just chaos! We need to get this train back on the tracks, STAT! Help us, Nancy!

Welcome to a Thursday Nightcaps – the one where Nancy Mace tunes out all the nastiness at her local Waffle House. 

What else? I've got Pride Month balls (that's right!), Chuck Schumer saying we're all going to die, and we dive a little bit deeper into my pending water fast. 

Fine. We'll also check in with volleyballer Kayla Simmons! There. Happy? I figured I'd need something else to keep your interest other than water talk. You're welcome!

Grab you a white russian – the drink, you animals – and settle in for a Thursday 'Cap!

You guys love fasting!

I actually had a white russian last night out of necessity. Never had one before. Didn't hate it. We were out of whiskey – which is a devastating thing to realize at 8 p.m. – and I needed something to get me through the Panthers game. 

All the Busch Light was warm, which, admittedly, was my fault. Well, more of a fridge problem, actually. 

Not enough space right now because we have 14 containers of rice in there, so the Lattes got the garage treatment. Sad. 

Luckily, we did have some vodka in the pantry, but nothing to mix it with. So, I went to Mr. Google to get his opinion, and that's what he came up with. And honestly? I'd make it again. Even substituted some espresso for the coffee liqueur, which really gave me the kick in the nuts I needed to make it all the way to overtime. What a ride. 

Anyway, all that to say … you guys BLASTED me with water-fast emails last night, and I think I'm all in. Let's take a peak:

From Otis in Mobile:

I think 72 hours with just water is doable. I once did 48 hours just to test my discipline and at the end of that I was cruising. I just figured that was enough and ate something. 

For me, the best part of the fast (I would do a dinner to dinner fast) was the afternoon before I ate. I was so focused and productive and felt good. I read somewhere that this is an evolutionary trait, that our ancestors had this hardwired because they needed to be focused on finding food. 

Kind of a "in case of emergency break glass" to the brain.  

And, from Eric P, who does a 36-hour fast every week:

I thought I’d be irritable, but it’s been the opposite. I will generally play a round of golf and walk/carry my clubs and go to the gym and ride 10-15 miles on a bike at about 15 mph during the 24-36 hours. 

I feel so damn good 4 hours before I eat again that it just makes it easy now that I’ve done it for a couple months. 

Trump vs. Elon happened sooner than even I expected

Thanks, fellas! Don't know when I'm gonna dabble in this water fast, but I do think I'm all in. The reviews are pretty damn unanimous across the board, and, frankly, I'm just bored. 

Like I said at the open – it's the dog days of summer right now. We have a long way to go until they're over. I'd like to spice things up a bit before all hell really breaks loose in this country. 

Speaking of … who had "5 months" on their ’When will Trump sour on Elon' Bingo cards? Anyone? I certainly didn't. I figured there would be a falling out at some point down the road, but I figured we had at least a year. Maybe two. But five months? 

What's the term? Too many cooks in the kitchen? Maybe that's what we have here? Elon hates the bill. Trump is obviously pushing for it. The deficit is front and center, and it appears this party is fracturing just as things were starting to get good. 

Some are arguing that Trump and Elon are playing 4-D chess here and intentionally trying to tank the bill. Others say Trump can't just stuff it with all of Elon's cuts because it would never pass. I don't know. 

I do think this is probably something both could resolve by talking on the phone like adults instead of acting like a couple of pissed-off teens, but perhaps we're not quite at that point yet? 

Elon … thoughts?

Pride balls are here, Nancy at the Waffle House & Chuck says we're COOKED!

Okeeeeeeeeeeedokee! Never mind. Seems like we're still in the pissed-off teenager stage right now. Love this rift for my Tesla stock, too. It's only down a billion dollars today. Cool. 

Anyway, hopefully these two alphas can quit measuring their dicks and just agree that shit like this only allows pricks like Chuck Schumer to get away with saying things like this. 

Rapid-fire time!

Lyin' Chuck! Welcome back to class. Been a MINUTE! We haven't seen you around here since you put a piece of cheese on a raw hamburger patty last summer. 

"The We Are All Going To Die Act" is amazing. Credit where it's due, this is the goooooooooooood stuff from arguably the dumbest person on the left. Who says Chuck's lost his fastball?! 

In any event, summer is back, Chucky! Fire up that Weber!

Gets me every time. Amazing. 

Next? After Chuck's done slinging some meat, maybe he can … sling some meat!

Yes! Please get this bad boy to Fenway. Or, better yet, Texas. They'll LOVE it! Sadly, it appears the pride ball will only be making a cameo in San Francisco (shocking!), Baltimore, Kansas City and whatever ballpark the Rays are playing in nowadays. 

Batter up!

Finally, let's end this road trip with a trip to the Waffle House with someone who knows only men have balls … Nancy Mace!

Take us home, Kayla!

That's our girl! Nancy always remembers her roots. She started out as a Waffle House waitress, and she's still boots on the ground with #HerPeople. 

I also hear she may be sitting down with OutKick soon for a 1-on-1. Can't wait!

OK, that's it for today. Ex-Marshall volleyballer Kayla Simmons is on a summer #content run right now, and I'll be damned if we keep ignoring it. 

See you tomorrow. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

You Team Elon or Team Trump? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.