Maggie Sajak Ditches 'Wheel' For Bikini Time, Cracker Barrel Makes America Fatter & Kristi Noem Goes Black!

Penultimate Hump Day of August. Great word, better sentence. We're on the edge, boys and girls. We're close. But, we need to be careful not to go over it – just yet. 

Dunkin Donuts (yes, the Donuts stay around here) rolled out their pumpkin coffee today. Unacceptable. I was at a Total Wine the other day, and there were 24-packs of Shipyard Pumpkin on the shelves. Great beer, but the cart was so far ahead of the horse on that one I was disgusted. 

This is a marathon, not a sprint. There is no prize for being first. Sept. 2 is the day. Until then, we respect summer. 

On that note, welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where Maggie Sajak shows us all exactly what respecting summer means. This is how you stay in the moment, boys and girls. Take notes. 

What else? I've got Cracker Barrel living in fast-forward and releasing its new fall menu, a youngin' storming the field in San Diego, an atrocious call in Williamsport, and if you live in Florida during the summer, you appreciate the hell out of Trump painting the border wall black. 

There ain't a worse feeling in the world than a black car door in Florida in August. 

Grab you a slice of chocolate pecan pie for National Chocolate Pecan Pie Day, throw it out because you're not a Lib, and settle in for a Hump Day 'Cap!

It ain't pie season yet, mainly because it's a billion degrees outside 

I've never heard of chocolate pecan pie, and I don't intend to ever try it. OK, that's not true. I'd obviously try it. I'm an American, after all. 

But, I'm not a huge fan of mixing and matching pies, especially ones that we know work. 

Apple pie works. Leave it alone. 

Key Lime pie works. Leave it alone. 

Same with pumpkin, pecan, and cheesecake, even though it's technically not a pie. It's shaped like one, so it still counts. 

Anyway, I've done the whole ‘Mount Rushmore of Pies’ bit before, but it's always good to rehash it on a slow Wednesday in August:

1. Key Lime (only from Publix)

2. Apple (warm with vanilla ice cream, duh)

3. Pumpkin (only after Sept. 30, we're not animals)

4. Chicken! 

Nothing like a nice Chicken Pot Pie in Florida in August. Hits the spot every time!

Speaking of it being a billion degrees outside, let's check in with our great Border Wall!

The MAHA moms ain't gonna love Cracker Barrel's fall menu

Welcome back to class, Kristi! Been a while. Love that she's still out there, working with the blue-collar folks of America. 

And by the way, I'm all in on Trump's idea to paint the wall black. Sure, it sounds silly on paper. I get it. I laughed, too. But then I remembered that I nearly had to take my toddler to the ER one time because she left her hand on my F-150 for a second too long, and I realized … it may be a genius move. 

There are two absolutely awful feelings in this world: the shock you get from a car in the winter, and the third-degree burns in the summer. The worst, and we somehow get both in Florida. Granted, the winter one lasts about three weeks in January, but it's still an awful three weeks. 

Anyway, laugh all you want, Libs. Let's see Gavin Newsom touch that wall first, and THEN we can all laugh at Trump. Deal?

OK, let's get back to the important stuff … like Cracker Barrel unleashing maybe the most unhealthy fall menu I've ever seen:

Maggie respects summer, this LLWS ump respects nothing & what a tackle!

Couple thoughts from OutKick's unofficial Cracker Barrel beat writer …

1. Uncle Herschel's Favorite is adding a NY strip? I'm obviously all in on that. 

2. Hashbrown casserole dumped into a shepherd's pie? My God. I can feel my arteries begging for mercy. 

3. Wild berry tea? Come on. Isn't the new decor already liberal enough? 

4. A quick check of the calorie counts, just to see what we're dealing with:

- Butter pecan french toast: 1,060. 

- Butter pecan sticky buns: 1,280. 

- Cinnamon roll skillet: 1,370. 

And just to show you how ass-backwards the whole ‘counting calories' system is … 

- Herb roasted chicken: 1,740!

See? As long as you stick with the first three, you'll be a lean, mean, fighting machine all fall long!

OK, let's rapid-fire this Hump Day class into a big night of humping. First up? Somebody is respecting summer!

That's our girl! Wheel of Fortune is on summer break, and Maggie Sajak is showing us all how it's done. Love this move. 

As Sean Jo told me earlier during our film breakdown session, you don't start breaking out the pumpkin spice and cozy sweaters until summer's clock is at zero. It's almost there, but not quite yet. 

Thank you, Maggie! Stay strong. 

Next? Let's end the day with some baseball. First up? The kiddos out in Williamsport:

I know they don't get paid, which means they're generally terrible, but it's probably time to start ejecting awful umpires in the Little League World Series. 

Am I wrong? Come on.

Start punting these buffoons to the sun. Get them out of my face, and off my screen. I'm sick and tired of umpires being terrible at their job. I don't care what level they're at, it's unacceptable every single time. 

Sure, this guy is a volunteer. I can only get so annoyed by it. Perhaps I'm more annoyed at Little League in general. Look at this quote from the insufferable powers that be who run Little League:

Appointment as a member of the volunteer umpiring crew for a World Series is the highest honor… To support their efforts, Little League International provides each of the selected volunteers with a travel stipend.

Oh gee, thanks! A travel stipend. That'll get the single, 45-year-old bachelor from Montana to call a better zone in August! Tone of incentive there. 

Morons. 

OK, that's it for today. Let's end class by watching a middle-schooler get treated like a terrorist last night in San Diego. 

See you tomorrow. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

You ever touch a black car in Florida in August? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.