Jared Goff's Fiancée Is The Chief Lioness, World's Sexiest Volleyballer Busts Out, Spectrum Stinks & OutKick Fantasy Football Draft Recap
Boys and girls -- as Paul Bremer once said, We got him. The NFL is BACK. We made it. Our national nightmare is over. Jared Goff vs. Pat Mahomes. Lions vs. Chiefs. Big Red vs. Danny Kneecaps. Christen Harper vs. Gracie Hunt.
It's finally here, and it's perfect. All is right with the world. Thursdays can now return to being part of what we all consider "the weekend." That's right. Fall starts after Labor Day and Thursdays are considered the beginning of the weekend during football season.
I'll be addressing both over the next few minutes, because I've been taking it on the chin the past 24 hours and, frankly, it's unacceptable.
We're gonna check in with Jared Goff's model fiancée, Christen Harper, today. She's the front-runner to be the next Sports Illustrated cover girl, you know. We're going to rank the best NFL intro songs now that Queen Carrie Underwood is back tonight.
We're going to talk about when fall really starts (it already has!), and then celebrate Kayla Simmons -- the world's sexiest volleyballer -- finally going back to her roots.
And then, just when you think it's all done, we're going to talk about my new power rankings column because I'd like you to read it, and then we'll discuss last night's OutKick fantasy football draft.
Whew. How's that for a damn menu? You good? You still with me? Good!
Grab a piece of meat, throw it onto your 10-year-old Weber grill, break open a Yuengling with your teeth and settle in. It's NFL Opening Night(Caps!).
Welcome back, NFL
Obviously this is gonna be a pretty NFL-centered class today (duh), so let's set the damn tone right off the bat.
Tonight, I assume, will be the return of Carrie Underwood and the electric NBC theme. I guess I could be wrong since it's Thursday and not Sunday, but regardless, we're getting the NBC song at 8 p.m. sharp.
The obvious question is, which one are you riding with, gun to head? FOX, CBS, NBC, ESPN, Amazon or NFL Network?
I'm talking current-day songs, not of all-time. You can't come at me with the older version of the NFL on CBS one, which -- IMO -- is the true GOAT. Which current day intro song makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up? Which one puts you on the verge of tears when you hear it?
Here are the options, followed by the obvious right answers:
Speaking of rankings ...
Anyone else ready to run their asses straight through a brick wall? Here ya go:
I know I know, But Zach, you work for FOX! Yes, and FOX would probably like me to be honest. It's called integrity, look it up. Honestly, it's probably because I'm a Dolphins fan, which means I get the CBS one way more than I do the FOX one.
There's just nothing quite like that cut-to-break on a chilly October afternoon in the middle of the third quarter when a team faces a pivotal third down feeling you get when you hear THAT music.
Nothing like it.
PS: NFL Network's song is sneaky good. Almost cracked the top-3 but we respect Carrie Underwood around here.
While we're on the topic of rankings ... it's time for a quick shameless plug! I started doing weekly Power Rankings today and will continue to do them every Thursday throughout the NFL season.
If you like Nightcaps, I promise you'll like these. If it's X's and O's you want, enjoy ESPN!
Fine, you've made it to the 'Jared Goff and his hot fiancée' portion of the show. Congrats!
Don't feel like clicking on that right now because you're too invested in Nightcaps -- great! I get it. Here's a little preview:
The Jets could either be 13-4 or 4-13. I have no idea. Aaron Rodgers is super weird, but he’s also anti-vax and makes the liberal media want to explode, so it’s tough to totally root against him.
Can you name a Ravens receiver beyond Mark Andrews? Don’t give me “Zay Flowers” either.
The Chargers will be better but Keenan Allen and Mike Williams will both be hurt by Week 3. Talk about an easy bet.
The Lions are the trendy pick this year, but also Jared Goff. Do like me some Christen Harper, though. Giddy-up.
That little portion came under the Olivia Dunne tier of NFL teams. Confused? Fine. Here's Christen Harper as a thank you. She's apparently the betting favorite right now to be the next SI cover girl. True story.
Our OutKick Fantasy Football draft was last night
Welcome back, Christen Harper! Welcome back Jared Goff. Welcome back NFL.
What are we thinking for tonight? The Kelce situation makes me a little queasy, so I think I'm gonna do a teaser parlay with the Chiefs and the over. Play it safe so I can ease into a massive weekend.
Speaking of the Kelce injury ... I took him last night in the second round of our fantasy draft. Ten team, PPR league. I had the coveted (by some) turn-picks (10-11). Snagged Bijan Robinson with 1.10 and Kelce at 2.01.
We used Yahoo! for our league and apparently those weirdos have some ChatGPT robot grade your team when you're all done. I got an A- and will apparently finish 9-6. OutKick's Bobby Burack, meanwhile, failed in amazing fashion.
From ChatGPT's writeup:
In a stunning display of draft ineptitude, the Mar-a-Lago Raiders managed to secure an impressive F grade, proving that their talent for making questionable decisions extends beyond the political realm. With a projected finish of 10th place and a dismal projected record of 0-15-0, it seems that this team is destined for a season of utter futility.
Brutal takedown there. Poor Bobby.
Anyway, here are the rest of the grades, along with my team -- The Olivia Dunne Of Fantasy. Funny, right?
I gambled with Kelce and Jonathan Taylor, and I'm obviously gonna trade Waller -- or at least try. If Kelce comes back and healthy, Taylor comes back at all and I can swing Waller for a better flex player, I think it's gonna be a landslide for Livvy. We'll see.
Happy fall!
PS: Screencaps being one spot above me is such a punch to the gut. I offered Joe all my picks if he would admit fall has begun, and he wouldn't do it. Man of his word, and I respect that.
Obviously him and I have a fundamental difference when it comes to fall and summer. He says it doesn't start until Sept. 23 or whatever, I say it started the second Labor Day came to an end. Football season is fall. Fall is football season. Simple math.
I do think I've figured out the issue, though -- and it's all geography. Joe lives in Ohio, where it's just miserable during the winter.
I live in Florida, where it's just miserable during the summer. Joe wants to extend summer as long as possible to keep winter at bay, while I want to end summer as soon as possible so we can get one step closer to fall/winter.
Therefore, I say summer ends three weeks before Joe because, frankly, it makes me feel good and like I have something to look forward to beyond sweating my balls off 24/7. Now, am I still sweating them off? Of course. It's Florida. But I've at least get the mental edge back, which I lose all summer.
I like to have the upper hand in life, and by declaring summer over, I feel like I have it.
Nick Saban is soft and Spectrum STINKS
Now, all that being said, I can still laugh at my pain. While Joe and his cult of followers declaring victory over me yesterday was premature, I did find this one comment funny:
That's a good one. While we're on the topic, here's my latest Livvy-lookalike I found up in Happy Valley. Click!
OK, let's get going so I can get ready to watch some Jared Goff vs. Patrick Mahomes and hope it's a rematch of that one 54-51 game.
Thankfully, I don't actually have Spectrum TV so I can watch it -- and anything else -- without any interruptions. That's not the case with the sad folks who DO use Spectrum.
The ongoing dispute with Disney and ESPN has caused mayhem in the streets, and -- as Clay said today -- it may not end any time soon.
Now, while I don't have Spectrum TV, I do unfortunately have to use Spectrum internet. I used to use AT&T Fiber at my old house, but that's not available here. And let me tell you, this service STINKS. Literally, it's the worst thing I've ever used.
Constant buffering, kicking me offline during Zoom calls, screwing up phoners -- the whole nine yards. I called Spectrum to complain and demand someone come out earlier today, and the lady COULDN'T UNDERSTAND ME until I turned my WiFi off because I was breaking up so bad.
And if you think I'm lying, how's my current view from my office?
I don't deal with buffering very well. I cannot STAND buffering. It's one of the most annoying things I deal with on an every day basis and it never used to happen with AT&T.
I hate Spectrum. You guys stink. I wish nothing but the worst for you.
Bring back Earthlink!
You know who would've tore this Spectrum guy's ass apart? Nick Saban. Well, scratch that.
The old Nick Saban would have. This new one I saw today is soft as baby you-know-what.
World Sexiest Volleyballer Kayla Simmons takes us into Chiefs-Lions
What the hell is that? That ain't the Nick Saban I grew up watching and I'll be damned if that's the one my kids are gonna get.
Hey, Nick -- you think apologizing to reporters is gonna help bridge the gap back to Georgia? I don't think so.
More of this, please:
That's when Alabama was great, boys and girls. A simpler time.
Welcome back NFL. Glad we made it to the weekend and glad we made it to fall!
Let's go have a night. Take us home, Kayla Simmons.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
We in on Jared Goff and the Lions this year? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.