Emily Mayfield Breaks Out Her Red Bucs Bikini, De Niro Cries About Trump & Cracker Barrel Lost HOW Much Today?

Over the hump and safely into a big Thursday. For those keeping track at home, that means we're less than 48 hours away from our first college football game of the season. 

And if that doesn't tickle some pickles on a late Thursday in August, I do not know what WILL! Let's roll. 

Welcome to a Thursday Nightcaps – the one where we gear up for football season with Emily Mayfield, and go from there. 

What else? I've got Penn State's Zoey Goldstein invading Palm Springs with a friend, Cracker Barrel hemorrhaging millions thanks to their dumb new logo, Kay Adams ending her summer #content tour and Bobby De Niro whining about Donald Trump. 

God, he's the worst. You wanna talk about an A-list actor who has become just unhinged, look no further than De Niro. But hey! At least he's got a beautiful 2-year-old at home to keep him grounded. 

Unrelated: Happy late birthday to Robert, who turned 82 last week! 

Grab you a Hazy IPA for National Hazy IPA Day – throw it out and get a Busch Light instead, for goodness’ sake – and settle in for a Thursday 'Cap!

Does that look like the face of someone who cost Cracker Barrel roughly $150 million today?

Yes, it does. It's always – ALWAYS – the white woman with the crazy smile wearing black-framed glasses. Always, always, always. The second I laid eyes on Julie Felss Masino this morning, I knew exactly what was going on. This is a tale as old as time. 

Some virtue-signaling millennial gets their hands on something they have no business handling, and turns it all to shit in the name of inclusivity. 

They sit there and have to act like they belong. They HAVE to justify their existence. Otherwise, we'll all see that there really is no point for them having a job at all. 

So, they try to make a splash. That's what we have today with Cracker Barrel CEO Julie Masino:

As my grandma used to say, Bologna, macaroni, tony! I ain't buying it, Julie. Not for one second. That's all a load of bullshit, and you know it. 

Nothing – and I mean nothing – Julie told Michael Strahan just then was true. It was all nonsense. 

I can promise you, Cracker Barrel store managers were not running up to Julie last week and begging her for a remodeled store. That just didn't happen. Nobody likes the new store, mainly customers. So I can assure you folks aren't champing at the bit to ruin theirs. Ain't happening. 

All of that aside … I'm still not overly outraged by the new design. I'm not. It's fine. I honestly don't care. The food is still Cracker Barrel food, for now, and that's what I care about most at the end of the day. In fact, we highlighted it in yesterday's class, oddly enough. 

It's just the idea that we have to change everything nowadays that pisses me off. It's not necessary. Nobody wakes up and says to themselves, ‘I’d love to go have a nice Sunrise Sampler at Cracker Barrel this morning, but I just can't get past their logo.' That doesn't happen. Nobody cared. 

Except Julie, who needed to justify her existence and make a splash. 

Well, congrats. You made more than that. You pissed off all your God-fearin' customers by taking the cracker, and the barrel, out of Cracker Barrel. 

Insufferable Robert De Niro is aging like fine wine!

Good God. What a PLUNGE! Brings me back to the Target/Bud Light days of 2023. Those were the best. It was like watching a car crash every single day – for MONTHS. Target lost over $9 billion … in a WEEK! It was amazing. 

Clearly, though, everyone has since learned their lesson! Sad. I mean it. I'm sad this is happening to Cracker Barrel. Can't say I didn't see it coming – I've been warning y'all for a year now – but it doesn't make me feel any better. 

OK, it makes me feel a little better. It's not often that I'm right. I'm married, remember? I haven't been right in years. 

Anyway, I hope things stabilize for them here pretty soon. I assume they will. The good news? Cracker Barrel's base is around 75-years-old and likely won't notice the logo change, so they should be OK … for now. 

Speaking of old white people, let's check in with Robert De Niro!!!

Emily, Zoey & Kay, oh my!

Incredible. I once had to serve De Niro drinks on Nantucket. First at Cliffside Beach Club, where I was a cabana boy, and then that night at my second job as a bellboy at the Nantucket Hotel. He was insufferable both times. Refused to look you in the eye. Tipped like crap. 

And that was all fine back then, because he was still a relatively normal dude. But ever since Trump came into the picture, it all just makes sense now. And believe me, it's not all Libs. Drew Barrymore was cute as a button and sweet as pie when I had the pleasure of positioning her umbrella (not a sex term, but certainly could be). The nicest person in the world. 

She's obviously a lunatic now, but I still respect her all these years later. De Niro? Not so much. Guy is a wacko. Oh well. 

Onwards. 

Let's rapid-fire this second-to-last Thursday ‘Cap of the month into a big Thursday night. Sadly, we begin with Kay Adams’ summer training camp tour wrapping up tomorrow. 

What a run it was:

Another elite summer in the books for Kay. This year was some of her finest work yet. Nobody does the NFL #content game better, and I still don't think she's quite peaked yet. 

Cannot wait to see what this season has in store for her. And for us. #StayTuned. 

Next? Speaking of #NFL content, it's been a while since we welcomed Emily Mayfield to class. I think the Bucs are gonna be a WAGON this year. She's ready. 

I LOVE Baker and the Bucs this season. The division is garbage. Bucky Irving is a machine (great fantasy pick, you're welcome). Mike Evans will quietly go over 1,000 yards for the 27th straight season. They play Atlanta, Houston and the Jets right out of the gates. 

The over/under on wins is set at 9.5 right now (-105). I will be HAMMERING it. 

They get the Panthers, Saints and Falcons six times? Six wins right off the bat. Maybe 5-1. Come on. Easy money. Plus, you'll get more Emily Mayfield. Win-win-win!

What a tangent. What a weird tangent. But, as if life on the penultimate Thursday of August. 

Let's end the day with Penn State sprinter Zoey Goldstein, and have ourselves a big night. 

See you tomorrow. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

You still riding with Cracker Barrel? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.