Carl's Jr. Is Bringing Back Their Controversial 'Sexy Burger Girl,' And She Has Massive Shorts To Fill

So, the big news this week – other than USAID going belly-up – was that Carl's Jr. is bringing back their iconic Burger Girl. 

If you ever needed a sign that America was back, it's this. Carl's Jr. dressing a sexy chick in the bare minimum to advertise a greasy burger? When Trump called this the Golden Age of America, this is what he meant. 

For those who don't follow the history of Carl's Jr. ads, the fast-food joint stopped running these sexy commercials back in 2017 because the mob, inevitably, didn't like them. Sad. Predictable, but sad. 

Fast-forward seven years, and cancel culture is dead. It's done. We don't care anymore. The Libs had their fun for the past four years. It's our turn now. And that starts with Carl's Jr. dressing up Alix Earle in something revealing, and having her sell the shit out of some hamburgers. 

SIGN UP FOR TUBI AND STREAM SUPER BOWL LIX FOR FREE

Alix Earle has big shorts to fill

That's right, baby! America is back. We're healing. We respect hot girls and boobs and burgers again. Frankly, Babes, Boobs & Burgers are the pillars of this country. We got away from that for a while. Not anymore. 

Common sense is back, and so are the hot women in Carl's Jr. commercials. 

Now, Alix Earle is certainly a commendable gal to carry the torch. She's hot, she's relevant, she's dating an NFL player, she's a TikTok star. She checks all the boxes. Smart choice, Carl. 

But it's a long, loooooooooong, list to compete with. Carl's Jr. girls don't just grow on trees, you know. You don't just simply become a Carl's Jr. girl. You have to earn it. It's like becoming a Jedi. It ain't for everyone, and it ain't for anyone. 

Remember the first one? Ever heard of Paris Hilton?

Paris was the OG Carl's Bae, way back in 2005. She also made a cameo in 2014. Legend. 

But it all started in 2005. 2005! What a throwback. What a great year. Red Sox were coming off a World Series title, Razr phones were all the rage, Blockbuster was still humming, Quiznos still existed. 

Great year. 

Next, you had Cameron Richardson riding the shit out of a bull while eating a cow in 2007:

You see? They don't make 'em like that anymore. What an ad. What a burger. Simple, yet elegant. And effective. 

Next up? Let's head to 2009 with The Hills star Audrina Patridge:

Teriyaki burger? Eh. Doesn't sound great to me, and I consider myself a burger guru. But after seeing that? I'm all in. Teriyaki me up, baby!

That same year, we had Top Chef pistol, Padma Lakshmi, take a bite of the famous burger while sitting on a stoop:

A little less edgy, a little more classy from Carl's Jr. here. Don't hate it. Don't love it. Just … different. You have to take chances once in a while, you know. 

As the 2010s got started, the position of Carl's Jr. burger girl became more envious. Massive stars like Kim Kardashian and Kate Upton carried the torch at various points, and this 2015 Super Bowl ad melted the internet in between Cam Newton sacks:

For me, that's the pinnacle, right there. Brilliant from start to finish – and HEALTHY! RFK Jr. would love this burger. Grass-fed? We're all in. MAHA, baby!

Anyway, the chain toned it way down starting in 2017 because the world turned to shit right around then, but it appears they're fully back now with Alix Earle. And with that, so is America. God, it feels good. What a month!

Welcome to the show, Alix. Big shoes to fill, and even bigger bras. Let's get after it.