Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag, the best weekly column on the Internet. 

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

This summer head down to Florida’s beaches on 30A and stay in a mansion like I do. Mention Outkick and get 5% off your stay. Go here and check out their houses.

Okay, on to the mailbag. 

“I was one of the best men in a wedding and captured the attached video. I don’t have a twitter, but, being the gay Muslim you are, figured this is something you would like to see. If you decide to post it, we just ask that you use #GordonHamMerger. Sorry I used snapchat like an idiot…”

Good to see Alan from “The Hangover” is still alive. 

“So I met this girl from another SEC school during the 2015 football season while tailgating. She’s pretty cute and we started hitting it off right away. We texted/snapchatted almost daily for about a year and we casually hung out 2 or 3 times since then.

Last weekend I decided to go to her college town with a buddy of mine, whose girlfriend also goes to that school. I told the girl who I was into that I’d be in town and she agreed to meet me for some drinks. We talked for about 1.5 hours at the bar and eventually she decided she wanted to go home. She asked me where I was staying and I told her that I was crashing on the floor of my buddy’s girlfriend’s apartment. She insisted that I instead go home where she had an air mattress for me. Naturally, I assumed she was only saying “air mattress” because no girl is going to come out and explicitly say: “hey, sleep in my bed so we can have sex”, so I was hopeful.

I decided to make the 2 mile trek in the cold back to her apartment, despite the place I was staying at being only 100 yards from the bar I was at. At the time, the trip definitely seemed worth it. However, I knew I was in trouble when we got near her apartment and the conversation somehow turned to how she “doesn’t sleep around anymore”, obviously a huge red flag.

I get into the apartment and, sure enough, she pulls out an air mattress for me and tells me goodnight. Needless to say I was pretty rattled and didn’t even bother to fully inflate the air mattress before going to bed. I woke up looking like a human sized taco inside a half-inflated mattress, all in front of her roommates whom I didn’t know. I also had no way of getting home and had to settle for asking her for a ride home: the ultimate drive of shame.

My question is this: what the hell did I do wrong? Am I just balls deep in the friend zone? Since this incident I’ve been reluctant to talk to her nearly as much but she says she wants to come visit me for my birthday weekend this month. Do I even bother hosting her? Do I make her sleep on a half-inflated air mattress as revenge?”

I don’t think you did anything wrong at all — I think this girl wants you to convince her that you want something more than sex from her. 

It sounds like you only want sex from her. 

There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s not what she’s looking for right now and she specifically told you that. Combine that with her actions and she’s made it pretty clear that she wants a relationship or something more serious before she sleeps with a guy.

Now based on your actions she may think you actually like her for her and not just the idea of sleeping with her.

She may be thinking, “Wow, this guy is so nice, he’s been texting me and snapping with me and he hasn’t even tried to sleep with me yet.” Hell, you may have even accidentally passed a test by sleeping on an air mattress in her place and not trying to sleep with her. 

With that in mind, I’d be fine with her coming to visit. One of two things will happen: 1. you’ll hook up because you’ve passed her test by putting in the time and effort and maybe that will lead to something more substantial or 2. you won’t and you are definitely friendzoned.

Either way, what do you have to lose?

You could also just throw this all to the wind and send her a dick pic on Snapchat saying, “Can’t wait until you come vist for my birthday!”

If she sends you a naked pic back or shows up at your place, you know she’s game, if she doesn’t show up, you know you were friendzoned. 

By the way, the funniest possible thing that could happen here, which would piss you off but would be an amazing story, would be if she brought another dude back to your place and hooked up with him on your air mattress.

Then you’re not just friendzoned, she’s backed you into the paint and two hand slammed on you.

The only thing funnier would be if you tearfully masturbated to the sounds of her banging somebody else on your air mattress. Honestly, this is what I picture the entire Brian Windhorst LeBron James relationship being like in high school.

Good luck.  

“For better or worse, I’ve been served a jury summons every year since I turned 18, and have been picked to serve 4 times.

Fair amount of samples.

I have not once seen what I would describe as an 7-10 hotness girl in any jury room. Yet another example of #hotgirlprivilege?”

It’s funny you mention this because I only have gotten jury duty once and I came back the next day and got on the radio and talked about how there were no attractive girls there on jury duty.

Not one. (To be fair, the girls might have gone back to their jobs and talked about how there wasn’t one attractive guy on jury duty either.)

What I think this confirms more than anything else is selection bias. That is, most single guys and girls only go out to social places where other people like us go. So you get an artificial sense of how many young and attractive people there actually are. Then you hit jury duty and realize how many other people there are who live in your city.  

Having said that, we’re talking about an entire room full of people. And you literally have nothing else to do, but sit and look at everyone else. So like a totally normal guy I was pretending that I had to repopulate the earth with only the members of this jury pool and I got first pick on who I was going to have a kid with to ensure that the human race doesn’t die off and there was no one there that was bangable. 

I mean, I would do it to save the Earth, but only for that reason and only because I’m so selfless.   

And I didn’t want to pick anyone. 

(By the way, my friend Neville is the person who convinced me to start doing this and I swear to God it makes waiting around so much more entertaining. Pretty soon everywhere you go you’re thinking about who you would repopulate the earth with. It’s like a constant mock draft.)

Anyway, after jury duty I thought that would probably be the fairest way to accurately assess the hotness of girls in competing cities. Because it’s a totally random collection of women brought in on that particular day. Then it got me thinking. Do you think there are jury pools just full of hot chicks in some cities? And that got got me thinking, which jurisdiction in America do you think has the hottest jury pools?

There are tons of lawyers reading this right now who have had this debate. And I guarantee you this is going to be the primary topic of debate in many offices after lunch today, which city would have the hottest juries?

I’ve been pretty much everywhere that rich people live in this country and let’s be honest, it’s going to be a rich town or city that has the hottest women. Wherever you find money anywhere in this world, you find hot chicks.  

So…is it Scottsdale, Arizona?

Because I think it’s probably Scottsdale, Arizona.

“I’m a college kid and I attend OU/TX in Dallas every year with my fraternity brothers. While out partying at the game I was introduced to a legacy from my Dad’s fraternity. This guy claims to know my Dad and tells me stories about my Dad hazing pledges (a minor detail for now).

I thought the dude was clearly into me; he didn’t make any serious passes, was just super friendly. I’m not gay so I was definitely leary of him from the start, but my friends knew him through their family and vouched for him, so being a nice guy I shrugged it off and kept partying.

Throughout the night, I learn more details about this guy: he’s rich and lives in LA. I forget what the pretext was (probably partying at home games), but at some point he wanted my number and I was cool with it so I gave it to him.

A few weeks later he sends me a text inviting me to fly to LA to go to a party at the Playboy Mansion with him; he will take care of everything. Again: the freaking Playboy Mansion!!!

I immediately talk to my Dad and tell him everything. He doesn’t remember the guy at all – no recollection. He tells me not to go – says the guy is definitely banking on me being gay. I asked my friends that introduced me and they continue to vouch for him as a good guy.

So please tell me what’s a young straight man tempted with the Playboy Mansion supposed to do? Should I rely on the fact I think I could kick his ass and go? Or, do I listen to Dad? What’s the worst that could happen?”

Here’s a question for single guys out there — how many girls have you paid for their flights and not expected sex? I mean, I think that’s like a bargained for exchange, if you’re single and you pay for a girl to fly to visit you, you’re expecting sex barring you just being a total asshole. I think most girls would agree with that, right? If you accept a free flight from a single guy — and you’re single too — then there’s sex attached to it. 

If you disagree let me put it to you this way — for the married guys out there — if you found out that another man was flying your wife to a non-work event somewhere, you would totally assume that he was trying to bang her, right?

Remember when it was over for Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner? When it came out that he flew his nanny with him to Vegas without the kids. I mean, this is just impossible to defend if your wife finds that out. Good luck, Ben. 

Anway, I would think the same thing happens in gay relationships. If an older, richer, guy flies a younger guy across the country then he’s expecting sex. 

That’s why my initial assumption is that this guy wants to bang you and thinks you’re gay. 

But then you toss in the Playboy party invite and it seems like a total misdirection. Do gay guys want to hang out at the Playboy mansion together? That seems unlikely. Is he not sure that you’re gay so he’s just trying to feel you out and the Playboy mansion is the straightest thing he can offer as an enticement?

Gotta admit, I’m totally baffled by this situation. 

Regardless, it’s not like he’s going to try and rape you, so I think the worst thing that could happen is you go with a gay guy to the Playboy mansion and he tries to bang you there. And then you’re like, “Dude, I’m not gay,” and then he thinks you’re playing hard to get and keeps trying to make out with you. 

So, yeah, I wouldn’t go by myself. 

But I would text him back that you have another guy friend and the two of you would pay for your own flights and be happy to go to the Playboy mansion with him. 

Even smarter: you could also find a girl at your school, ask her to pretend to be your girlfriend, and text him back, “I told my girlfriend about your offer and she totally wants to come now too. I’ll pay for us to come, but could we all three go together?”

If you pay for her flight and you go to the Playboy mansion, double bang, it doesn’t get much better than guaranteed sex and a trip to the Playboy mansion. 

(Related: I’d like to go to to the Playboy Mansion before Hugh Hefner dies. Can one of my readers make that happen?)

“Clay, I am 25 and attend medical school in the South. I’ll get right to it, one of our classmates has recently gotten engaged to another student. Good for her right? Well, we had an event about 2 months ago and her fiancé got pretty drunk and choke slammed her into the ground. She broke the engagement off and got the dean of medicine involved and made this HUGE deal of what happened (it was a big deal). Now she is back engaged with the guy and acting like nothing happened. I feel like saying hey dumbass it happened while you were engaged it’ll happen again. However, I feel like she has convinced herself it’s a good relationship when it’s not.”

What you’re leaving out here is that you like this girl yourself. 

But let’s come back to this in a minute. First of all, if this happened in public wouldn’t this lead to someone getting kicked out of med school? Especially since med school students aren’t good enough at football to stay enrolled at school when they beat up girls.

I’m no expert on the med school student handbook, but I’m pretty sure that a guy chokeslamming a girl in public is plenty to get him kicked out of school. So that should have happened.  

Second, this is actually common behavior for people involved in domestic abuse. They frequently return to the abuser and the cycle repeats itself again and again. No girl who has ever been abused by a guy should ever break off an engagement and get reengaged to that abuser. And if I had a daughter and I knew this had happened I would refuse to walk her down the aisle or pay for the any of the wedding. I might also refuse to attend the wedding. Because I couldn’t countenance giving away my daughter to someone who I knew had ever abused her.

But you aren’t the dad here, I think you’re a guy who likes this girl.

So why don’t you tell her that before she gets married?

Sadly, she may be staying with that guy partly because she doesn’t think she can do better. If you think you’re better for her, then put yourself out there and see what happens.    

“I agree that #hotgirlprivilege is real, but I may have uncovered perhaps the most sexist (but only against smokeshows) hiring ring in the country. I am an associate for a large regional law firm, with about 800 attorneys on staff in 14 offices. In my office, there are about 80 lawyers. We also employ around 20-30 assistants (the new P.C. term for “secretary”). They are also ALL women. Astoundingly, only one of these 30 assistants is under 40 such that she could reasonably be considered “hot.” And, honestly, I think she’s a prime example of the hot-by-comparison phenomenon. It was almost movie-like the degree to which I slowly noticed this trend, like when the main character in a thriller starts to realize there’s some deeper fucked up stuff happening beneath the surface. So, like any good thriller protagonist, I started to ask around about about assistant hiring before I joined the firm.

I originally thought that many of the assistants must have just worked in the field forever and are waiting on their respective elderly attorneys who they’ve worked for to retire before they do. That’s partly true, but I also discovered from one of my younger colleagues that a recently hired assistant (also a geriatric) was chosen in lieu of other younger and more qualified candidates that had, as Seinfeld would say, physical assets typically valued by the red-blooded man. Even more ridiculous is how poor many of the current assistants are at their jobs. As you know, the modern law firm life is face-paced and increasingly digital. All filings are online and email has replaced formal letters. Most of our assistants struggle to keep up (they call computers “machines”) and are getting aged out. In fact, the one younger assistant, who is reasonably familiar with computers and the internet, is widely considered our best assistant. As a result, in an effort to avoid hiring hot (or even young) candidates, our firm’s hiring practices are actually causing greater inefficiency.

So, Clay Travis, Esq., what do you make of this shit? I can only guess the reason is so the attorneys don’t bang their assistants, but is this really as big of a concern these days, given our access to women online? I think I could control my primal urges long enough for my hot assistant to mail a few letters or notarize some shit. Either way, send in the Social Justice Warriors! What do we want, HOT GIRLS. When do we want ’em, NOW!” 

My bet is that your law firm has had many instances of married partners ending up with their secretaries. It’s a cliche because it happens so often. Guy works his ass off at the office ably assisted by his (usually) much younger secretary and then he goes home where his wife bitches at him all the time about working too many hours and not making the kids games and (insert usual bitching that would occur in any marital relationship where the husband works a lot.) Then, meanwhile, you’ve got this secretary who is being nice to you and making your life easier and she’s younger and maybe better looking and, what do you know, she actually might want to sleep with you and so the older attorney starts thinking, “Why am I not with (insert secretary’s name) instead of (insert wife’s name)?”

And then you know what happens?

That lawyer marries his secretary and then after a few years she’s bitching about the same things and he’s got another younger secretary and here we go again. 

Your law firm probably had that happen so many times and it created such a mess every time it happens that they are trying to avoid these issue by hiring less sexually desirable assistants. It’s basically an acknowledgement that men, even highly educated and successful ones, are too dumb when it comes to sex to make smart decisions.  

Final story, several years ago I stopped by a prominent law office and commented on the fact that the front desk lady was like 80 years old. Seriously, the oldest front desk lady I have ever seen. 

I asked one of the partners about it and he said and I quote, “Every time we hired a hot front desk girl too many of the married attorneys would try to bang her so I hired the oldest woman imaginable to work there. Saves me money.”

Having said that, you have may have hit on the one area where #hotgirlprivilege actually works against the hot girl, legal secretary jobs. (Also, maybe nursing? I bet there are a ton of matronly nurses who get hired instead of smoking hot nurses because doctors end up having affairs with their hot nurses). 

“I”m a woman who has been in private criminal defense practice for about a decade and I have to take issue with one thing you said in last week’s anonymous mailbag about the age of consent laws and what a mess they are. That’s completely true. You know the old adage, “When you’ve got a daughter you’re worried about every penis, when you’ve got a son, you’re just worried about one?” Welcome to the 21st Century, Clay. I tell my kids there is one thing you always need to remember. “Bitches be crazy.”

I had a 17 year-old client who was charged with possession and promotion of child pornography for making a sex tape with his 15 year-old girlfriend. Guess who was the brains behind that operation? I’ma give you a hint – it wasn’t my client. I had to approach the judge to ask for a PR bond so he could get out of jail to take his physics final. He was a straight-A student and had braces, for Pete’s sake.

I once had a mom call my office, wanting to hire me to help her file charges against a boy to whom her daughter was sending nudes. “Isn’t that kiddie porn,” she asked? “Yes,” I replied, and then asked if she thought it was fair that a kid should be labeled a sex offender for life because her daughter needs to find Jesus.

Another client (a high school senior) got caught sliding into third base with his freshman girlfriend after she snuck out of the house for a late night rendezvous. Dead serious, the cop walked up on them heavy petting in the car, and hauled them both out into the dark night. Then he hauled my client to jail. Sexual Assault of a Child charges were filed even though the girl’s mom objected. The kid was in jail for a month until we could get the charges dismissed. He missed prom. And his car. Because his mom and dad had to give it to me instead of a fee.

So, I agree with you that the age of consent statutes are completely out of whack. But Clay, you’re wrong about one thing – worry about your sons. They’re the ones who are going to be charged.”

There you go, look out.

When I was in high school they taught all of us that we would get AIDS if we had sex, nowadays you have to tell all the high school kids that they’re going to go to jail if they take a picture of their dicks. 

… 

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

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