Woman With ‘Shiny Rear End’ Terrorizing Florida By Squatting In Yards

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There’s an unknown woman known as ‘The Squatter’ taking dumps in people’s yards and wreaking havoc in the great state of Florida.

Forget running for President. Gov. Ron DeSantis needs to turn his attention back to his state STAT before this thing spirals out of control!

“We have trespassing. Not traditional trespassing.” Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said in a video message. “It involves a lady that’s gone into a neighborhood on Lake Winterset. She’s gone into the side yard, into the hedge area, and she’s popped a squat and showed us her shiny rear end.”

Florida woman taking dumps in people’s yards

Shiny rear end! What a line from Grady. My God, I love this state. I’ll never leave. Ever. You could pay me a billion dollars to move to California and I’d laugh in your face and shut the door.

We’re the wild wild west down here, baby, and that includes shiny rear ends in our backyards when we least expect it.

From Fox News, which is a great company!

Authorities are now looking for the woman believed to be a spring breaker who trespassed to relieve herself on March 16 at approximately 4 p.m.

The woman was spotted on surveillance video walking into the yard, briefly looking around, and quickly finding a hedge before leaving the private property. 

“We can call her the Spring Break Squatter, because last week during spring break. She walked onto private property in a gated community on Lake Winterset, and squatted in the yard,” Heartland Crime Stoppers said in a Facebook post.

Florida spring break squatter.
Florida squatter on the loose.

Can’t say I blame this girl, either. We’ve all been there, right? We’ve all been tanked in Florida during spring break at some point in our lives, and sometimes you just have to pee (or poop, I ain’t judging). That’s one of the great luxuries of living in this state, too.

We can pee outside all year long – 24/7/365. It’s never too cold to go outside and relieve yourself, and people are so used to seeing it down here they don’t even bat an eye if you’re caught.

Actually, now that I think about it, why are we even wasting our time looking for this woman? She didn’t do anything wrong by Florida standards. Really, it’s just another day in the Sunshine State.

Don’t take my word for it, though!

Polk County Sheriff’s Office and the Heartland Crime Stopper stressed that “squatters” are an ongoing problem on Lake Winterset in Winter Haven, Florida.

“What if somebody stopped their car or their boat and walked up into your yard and started doing the number one thing or the number two thing in your hedges?” Sheriff Judd asked. 

What if? It’s not an if, but a when here in the great state of Florida. And we’re OK with it.

Written by Zach Dean

Zach grew up in Florida, lives in Florida, and will never leave Florida ... for obvious reasons. He's a reigning fantasy football league champion, knows everything there is to know about NASCAR, and once passed out (briefly!) during a lap around Daytona. He swears they were going 200 mph even though they clearly were not.

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