TikTok Roundup: Chinese Spyware, COVID Crazies, Beer Poster Babe, Lawn Care, And More

Welcome to the first edition of OutKick’s TikTok Roundups, where we sift through the best Chinese spyware we can find and then make dumb jokes about them. You’re probably sitting on the toilet while reading this, so like a baby wipe and a handful of extra strength Gold Bond, I’m here to enhance the experience. Settle in for a three-flusher and enjoy yourself.

If you’ve never seen a TikTok before, prepare to secretly enjoy them a little more than you may think. The app started as a lip synching platform; basically a place for awkward teens to sing along with pop songs, like we all used to do in the car. Thanks to COVID lockdowns, though, the app took off in popularity, especially when users realized how many good jokes could be made with other people’s audio.

Yes, there are a lot of hot chicks shaking their goodies, but the app has really become a steady stream of inside jokes and in-the-moment references. Think of it like a standup comedy routine, but instead of listening to a story, you get to watch it unfold before your very eyes. Kind of like how Xi Jinping was watching me while I researched this column.

I don’t have any set format in mind for the Roundup; maybe a few life observations or old bachelor party stories, and then straight into the action. In my inaugural address to the OutKick faithful, I promised to try to have as much fun as possible, so that will always be the primary goal here.

If you find a great TikTok that you think I missed, or if there’s more of something you want to see, you can send it to me on Twitter (@outkicktommy). Better yet, become a VIP and drop it in the comments where you know I’ll see it. Complaining, though, will get you about as much recognition as a Hong Kong protestor in an NBA boardroom. Nobody will f*cking care.

So let’s have some fun. Today, I’m thinking one quick story and then the videos.

On to the Roundup.

COVID CRAZIES: In Los Angeles, state sanctioned mask mandates were finally recently lifted for private businesses. While I’ve seen a few snooty businesses still requiring the mask, surprisingly most places have been quick to go back to normal. Except the post office, that is.

I don’t know if it’s a federal mandate for post offices to continue with masks or if this particular nest of nutcases is holding all of West LA hostage, but my local branch has clearly been licking too many stamps. Not only do they snap at you for forgetting, this one lady legitimately melted down when a customer licked a stamp, pressed it on, and handed her the envelope. Mind you, the employee was wearing a mask and face shield, but the way she reacted, you would have thought the monkey from Outbreak just crapped on her keyboard.

She immediately started chastising the customer for potentially infecting her as she went to put on rubber gloves. To pick up an envelope. With a stamp stuck to it. The amount of DNA on that letter couldn’t even have pinned a baby on Nick Cannon, but the lady behind the counter blew a gasket like she was headed straight for CNN’s daily death counter. She then proceeded to give it a spritz of disinfectant while she bemoaned her job some more.

So if you received a letter from the Brentwood post office with a little CSI-style blacklight spatter on it, rest easy—it’s nothing gross. Just the existential panic of a lefty about to crack.

To the Toks! (Reminder, volume up)

Um, hello Hailey. You feel like sending the boys at OutKick a few signed copies of that poster? That’s some quality craftsmanship right there. Farrah Fawcett is about to be in the trash can real quick. Hell, Andy Dufresne should have stayed in prison a few more years just to toss that one up in the cell. I’m pretty sure I have a racing t-shirt and a trucker hat lying around somewhere, if that’s all it takes. Let us know!


his balls maneee🤦🏾‍♂️🤦🏾‍♂️ #fyp #foryoupage

♬ original sound – Yvng Tella

And now we take you to OutKick’s Tokyo Olympic coverage, where the first transgender weightlifter in Olympics history is currently finishing her transition from male to female. Ouch!

Guys, domestic abuse is no laughing matter, and if you’re the victim of wrongful Live Laugh Love imprisonment, just know that help is out there. If you need assistance but don’t know how to get it, throw up an ‘L’ on your forehead in public to let other guys know you’re in trouble.

Jokes aside, how about this collection of signage? Do you think the manager of TJ Maxx shuts the store down when this family shows up? Just kicks everyone out and lets them roam the aisles like royalty at Cartier on Rodeo Drive? I bet their Christmas collection is world class, too.

I don’t have kids yet (sorry Mom), but I know a lot of moms and dads read the site, so I had to make sure to include a gentle reminder about how badly you’re all doing as parents. You think you’re doing well because Timmy’s doodie made it in the potty? Because he can read a picture book? Well Baby Bobby Flay here just cooked his parents a Michelin star dinner from scratch and did the dishes afterwards. He may even help Mom and Dad refinance their mortgage in the morning. Does little Timmy even know how to turn on the oven? Doubtful…actually, probably yes. Hope I didn’t just jinx you there.

I’ll admit, that last one got a little aggressive. Let’s cleanse the palette with a nice, soothing mashup of lawn care to wrap up our first installment of TikTok Roundups. And what a lawn it is! Do you see those edges? I think Augusta National just called the league headquarters to request an interview with this legend. Which reminds me, if you aren’t a part of the Thursday Night Mowing League yet, what exactly are you waiting for? Your Montessori kid to gas up the weed eater? Bad news, dads, ain’t happening; your kids are too busy playing Fortnite. Yep, it’s all on you, but at least this way you can share your photos with all the other lawn care warriors out there. There’s still plenty of spots (and shirts) available.

That’s it! Thanks for reading, and let me know if you enjoyed @outkicktommy.

Written by TK Sanders

One Comment

Leave a Reply

Leave a Reply