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Fellas and cool girls, I’m the new writer at Outkick that Twitter has not been buzzing about at all. I wanted this job mainly because my name fits perfectly in the middle of the name ouTKick, which means now that I’m hired, they can never fire me thanks to potential trademark infringement. This is a website founded by a lawyer, mind you; I don’t make the rules! Like a case of the Spring Break ’02 Club La Vela rash, I’m here for life, baby.
Technically none of that’s not true, but with your help we can make it a reality. You support me and I’ll support you. Corporate media already wants to label Outkick readers silly, contrived names like “alt-right” or “conspiracy theorists.” They’re changing the meaning of language in order to foster righteous indignation. The answer is to band together and become a family of misfits. We lean into who we are and appreciate each other unconditionally. Here’s what I can offer:
A lot of the media likes to lead with ego. They want to be Primetime instead of Mr. Sanders. Luckily, that’s not a problem for me. I like to think of myself as a glue guy—salt of the Earth, heady, a good passer, a gym rat, a coach’s son. I sport an average white man’s johnson and two solid balls, all of which I have named. I’ll come in and make my free throws. I had the big state school college experience, and I know the corporate death march all too well. I’m one of you.
Authenticity matters most to me, and based on the number of people moving away from big liberal media, I think authenticity matters to a big portion of America, too.
An authentic community is really what Clay started, and what the other superb writers of Outkick have ran with over the past twelve months. Inauthentic media likes to encourage perpetual dissatisfaction because they think that they can more easily build loyalty through force than authenticity. Smart, successful people understand that camaraderie means more than divisiveness. I want to make you laugh while also keeping you up to date with the world. I want us all to feel like we’re on the same team. In other words, I want to have fun.
We’ll lean into the politics and social issues of the day occasionally, but many other gifted Outkick writers already have that world covered. I’d rather banter about the good times, the nostalgia, and the sports drama of the world. That doesn’t mean we don’t stick up for ourselves, though. We can always whip out the trouser trifecta for a quick slap to the face if any SJdubs ever comes for la familia on these mean Twitter streets. (They’ll have to be pretty close, unfortunately, because like I said the package is average and can’t reach very far.) But at least they’ll know we’re not dicking around.
So in conclusion, no matter how long I’m here for, we’re going to have a good time. Thanks to Biden’s inflation, though, life is getting pretty expensive, so I really would like to keep the job for a while. Do me a favor, fam, and hop into the foam party with me, and let’s give ouTKick a rash straight out the panhandle.