Do you remember the scene from Training Day where Denzel postures up to young Hoyt by offering to “hook his old lady up” with a son because he has five boys himself and “can’t miss”? This is Nick Cannon’s life right now. The man just can’t miss. He’s on an incredible heater. Like big shot Rob with the game on the line, if Nick Cannon decides to turn on the charm, that thing is going in and a baby is coming out. Maybe he’s allergic to latex, or maybe he needs a couple of bench players to round out his hoops team of future heirs. Regardless, he’s entering rarified Rivers/Cromartie air, and at only 40 years old, has a chance to put up some HOF baby-making stats over the course of his already-storied career. Let’s break down the tape.
Ten years ago, Cannon quickly made a name for himself as a force in the baby making game with superstar singer Mariah Carey, showing an early propensity for multiples, as the couple welcomed twins in 2011. Their Hollywood marriage obviously didn’t last, but the future all-pro daddy had clearly developed a taste for fatherhood, and decided to really dedicate himself to his craft.
It would be six years before he set foot on the field again, but when he did, he would be a man possessed—an MVP in the making. His Nickelodeon days may have been in the rearview mirror, but a life of entertaining kids was certainly in his future.
Enter Brittany Bell, former Miss Arizona USA and then-Miss Guam for the Miss Universe pageant, who, in 2017, helped Cannon return to form with the birth of a son. Three kids by two different women in six years was a good stat line, sure, but nothing that hadn’t been done before. Little did we know, we were about to witness history.
In December of 2020, Brittany Bell gave Cannon a little girl, his fourth child in nine years. Two children apiece by two separate women was a respectable career by any standards. After all, millions of blended families happily coexist in the world. In Hollywood, two baby mommas is basically monogamy, so longtime fans of Cannon rightfully thought his ultrasound days were numbered.
But something was simmering inside of Cannon. He was ready to break out and make history, to go from role player to legend. Maybe it was pent up COVID frustration. Maybe it was the threat of vasectomy retirement lurking. We may never be sure, but what we do know is this: Cannon was about to embark on one of the great child rearing runs the sport had ever seen. Those six lonely years locked in Mariah’s NYC penthouse studying game tape and learning the fundamentals were about to pay off. Instagram models were waiting.
He was going to attempt the impossible—a Fisher-Price Mount Rushmore of sorts—the Grand Slam of wham bam thank you ma’am: four babies by three different women in one year.
Just last week, Cannon’s third baby momma, Abby De La Rosa, confirmed the birth of twin boys in an Instagram post. Only four days after that, over Father’s Day weekend, a third woman, Nick’s rumored girlfriend Alyssa Scott, posted a series of baby bumps, vague references, and emojis that Gen Z immediately presumed meant she was having Cannon’s seventh child. And given the size of her bump, there seems to be a legitimate chance that lucky number seven is born within one year of his/her half-sister, who was born last December.
If the rumors prove to be true, Cannon has to be mentioned immediately in the same breath as the great impregnators. Seven kids by four women in ten years, including two sets of twins. Currently unwed. Child support payments until he, himself, is old enough to need diapers. A future of family reunions that would make Maury Povich blush. In the canon of all-time greats, Nick Cannon and his Mount Rushmore of rug rats may go down as the greatest of them all.
We’re witnessing history, folks. I hope you can stop to appreciate it.
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