Clueless Browns Plan To Play Jorts-Wearing, Purse-Carrying Dillon Gabriel Ahead Of Shedeur Sanders

Cleveland Browns, what are you doing? 

I realize this question could be asked every August through January for the past 25-plus years, but on this final weekend of the NFL preseason, it needs to be hammered home.

In a few hours, the Browns will start Joe Flacco at quarterback. He’s expected to play 20-25 snaps along with most of the team’s offensive starters. He’ll be followed by… Dillon Gabriel. 

Sigh.

Hand up, I’m a Browns fan with a drinking problem. Or maybe a drinker with a Browns problem. Either way, they’re intertwined like a bad, hopeless marriage.

Shedeur Sanders lit Cleveland on fire (thankfully not the lake this time) two weeks ago. He threw for what seemed like a billion yards and two touchdowns. He was must-watch. Half the country wanted to see him fail, the other half wanted to see him morph into the AFC North's version of Patrick Mahomes with a watch deal. 

I don’t care that it was preseason against a Panthers defense littered with soon-to-be college graduate assistants and overpriced personal trainers.

We all watched.

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Sanders missed Cleveland's second preseason game last weekend in Philadelphia due to injury. Gabriel, who missed the Panthers outing because of his own injury, got the start and played well. Now, both quarterbacks are healthy, but the Browns have already announced that their third-round draft pick from April, Gabriel, will follow Flacco. Sanders, selected in the fifth round, will follow. 

Obviously, the Browns are much more keen on the idea of Gabriel under center than Shedeur. Hence, where they were drafted. But by elevating Gabriel, Cleveland is ignoring a fanbase that has been suffering for decades. Browns fans want excitement. Let's be real, these Browns aren't contending for anything other than the Draft's top pick eight months from now. Give the fans Shedeur!

Not, jorts and a …let's call it a purse.

Dillon Gabriel Expected To Play Above Shedeur Sanders

Is it too early to (continue) start drinking? Does that look like a potential QB1 to anyone? No, of course not. I'm not even looking at a practice squad guy here. I'm staring at a dad who was just sent to Aldi by his wife because the house was low on milk and the cranky kids needed something to squirt Nesquick chocolate syrup into.

Us Browns fans went from having Baker Mayfield waking up feeling dangerous to this?! Thank God for Flacco, who's keeping the seat warm before Gabriel unloads the groceries, hops on his Vespa and throws a couple of crossing routes. 

And listen, maybe Gabriel ends up being great. I hope so. But I wasn't oozing with confidence before Saturday morning and I sure aren't now that I've seen the rookie QB's pregame fit.

Would this have been so bad?

I've been around long enough to know how this plays out: Dillon Gabriel's going to sling it today against the Rams and light up the stat sheet. Shedeur's going to turn it over a few times and continue to occupy the fourth spot on the quarterback depth chart.

But he also won't be wearing jorts.

Why can't Browns fans have nice things?

Follow along on X @OhioAF or email me: anthony.farris@outkick.com