Someone Took A Dump In The Aisle Of A Broadway Theater Near Hillary Clinton

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If you were to ask ex-First Lady, Secretary of State, and multi-time presidential loser Hillary Clinton and her daughter, Chelsea, what they thought of their experience seeing Broadway show Some Like It Hot, they might say it stank.

Maybe the singing was great, and the dancing was top-notch, but the pile of feces in the aisle would’ve done its share in souring the overall experience.

Ah… *long pretentious inhale through the nose* …the theater.

“Last week when Hillary and Chelsea Clinton were in the audience,” A source told Page Six, “the lights came up for intermission and there were two human turds in the aisle just near the famous political duo.”

Now, is there anything more a fitting symbol for Hillary Clinton’s political aspirations than human feces in the aisle of a Broadway show? It’s almost poetic.


“The house crew dealt with it very appropriately and quickly, and Hillary and Chelsea remained in the theater for the second act.”

That must be a great Broadway show. If someone rips a deuce in the aisle next to you and your reaction is “I’ve got to see how this story pans out,” give it every Tony award right now. If I owned that theater I’d have this story printed on the playbill and plastered all over the marquee so fast.

“Even human feces just a few feet away couldn’t get Hillary Clinton to leave her seat for the hottest thing to hit Broadway since the aforementioned pile of human excrement, ‘Some Like It Hot!'”

New York City’s Shubert Theater is an iconic Broadway theater that could probably use a decent carpet shampooing right about now. (Photos by Barbara Alper/Getty Images)

The Wild Theories Are Piling Up

The reasons for how this happened vary wildly.

According to one source that spoke to Page Six, this was a “one-off” incident. In theater, terminology this was a one-act play.

But hang on, another source contradicted this. They told them that this had happened at other shows, making this incident an encore.

One of the sources said that the incident happened to an elderly person, and was “rather sad.” However, another person floated the idea that this could have been a calculated effort.

“There is someone who is either s—tting in the aisle, or surreptitiously dumping defecation that they smuggled into the theater,” they told Page Six.

At least a maniac leaving stool samples in Broadway aisles is way down the list of problems plaguing New York City. In a way, it’s almost quaint compared to people getting pushed onto subway tracks and stuff like that.

Follow on Twitter: @Matt_Reigle

Written by Matt Reigle

Matt is a University of Central Florida graduate and a long-suffering Philadelphia Flyers fan living in Orlando, Florida. He can usually be heard playing guitar, shoe-horning obscure quotes from The Simpsons into conversations, or giving dissertations to captive audiences on why Iron Maiden is the greatest band of all time.


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