Ross Chastain Needs A-- Kicked, 'Gutless' NASCAR Called Out, Kyle Busch Gives Bird, Chase Elliott's New Girl Gives Orders
It doesn't matter if it's Saturday, Sunday or Monday -- Ross Chastain is hellbent on pissing off every single driver in the NASCAR garage if it's the last thing he does!
It doesn't matter if you're a no-namer making his first Cup start since COVID was a thing, or a future Hall of Famer and Cup champion. Nobody is safe Ross the Boss's world, baby!
It's great for this column, but baaaaaaaaad for guys like tiny Kyle Larson and/or Brennan Poole. You think you had a crappy Monday? Try getting punted into next week by NASCAR's most infamous watermelon farmer.
Yeah -- if you couldn't tell, we may set a damn record for F-bombs this week. Buckle up.
It wasn't all the Ross Chastain show Monday at Dover, though. Let's see ...
We also had Denny Hamlin nearly murdering teammate Christopher Bell, Martin Truex Jr. winning for the first time since grandstands were at half-capacity, and Kyle Busch giving the bird.
OK, that last one ain't exactly what it seems -- it's somehow worse. Queen Samantha Busch and I will explain in a bit.
Elsewhere, Gianna Tulio continued her recent heater, Chase Elliott took a blowtorch to NASCAR's crappy new car, Ryan Blaney and Bubba Wallace buried the hatched AND we had an engagement photoshoot!
And they told me NASCAR was boring.
Four tires, enough fuel to run Ross Chastain into the wall, and maybe a cigarette for angry Kyle Larson ... Monday Morning Pit-Stop -- the 'Ross Chastain's Ass is Grass' edition -- is a day late, but LIVE!
Kyle Larson just the latest victim of Ross Chastain. (Photo by James Gilbert/Getty Images)
Ross Chastain is NASCAR wrecking ball
OK, might as well start with Ross the Boss. Hate to do it, because I like the guy, but he's on one hell of a heater right now.
And not that good kind that Hooters Gianna is on!
Chastain had a damn hot rod Monday at Dover, and probably should have won the race. Let's start there. He was the best car on the track, along with William Byron, all day long.
But he also used that hot rod to punt not one, but TWO drivers into oblivion -- and they couldn't be more opposite of each other.
In one corner, you had Brennan Poole -- a journeyman racer making his first start in years. In the other, you had someone named Kyle Larson, who's won a billion races over the past two years, including the 2021 championship.
Roll tape!
"His errors never effect him negatively" is such a lowkey f--k you' from Larson there. I love it. So smug. So petty. Perfect.
Side note: Kyle Larson saying he can't catch any breaks right now is hilarious. Guy has two wins this year and he's led 468 laps. I know he's had a couple rough finishes, but come on, Kyle.
Anyway, 'Bad Luck Larson' did ultimately exact a little revenge on Ross at the end of the race when he blatantly refused to move out of the way as Chastain was chasing Martin Truex Jr. for the win.
Again, we respect the pettiness around here.
Denny Hamlin needs Christopher Bell to move, asap
All right, Ross, that's enough for now. Go and make amends just to completely forget about it next week and wreck the hell out of someone else.
Moving on ...
Denny Hamlin, how was you Monday afternoon at Dover??
Okeedokee!
Hamlin had another one of those hot rods Monday, but -- like Larson -- couldn't catch a damn break. It's been that sort of season for Denny through three months, and he's clearly reaching a tipping point.
Long story short: he was faster than teammate Christopher Bell early in the race, wanted to pass him, but apparently little Chris didn't move his butt out of the way quick enough.
Chase Elliott loves new NASCAR car!
For the love of God, Chris ... move!
Speaking of Bell, he and Chase Elliott hit up New Hampshire earlier in the week for a little test run, and both decided to take a giant dump on NASCAR's newest car package for the 2023 season.
Spoiler alert: both despise it.
Good God, you two! Do you both just hate your bank accounts? The fellas in the big glass building here in Daytona ain't gonna like that soundbite.
Everything we're doing is just a band-aid for the gutless engines we have today.
Step right up, young Christopher! That'll be $15,000 straight out of your BOA account by EOD Friday. Thank you very much!
And Chase -- we all saw that little smirk and nod. We're not dumb. How's about $5,000 from you?! Please and thank you.
Speaking of Chase Elliott, looks like our man ditched the 'stache heading into Dover. Sad. But, as Kyle Busch said, probably necessary.
Kyle Busch gives the bird ... sort of
Yeah, OK, Chase -- "food" got stuck in it. Sure thing, big guy!
Speaking of Kyle Busch, let's check in with how he spent his down time between Talladega and Dover during the week.
When Queen Samantha tells you to jump, you ask how high? It's her world, folks. Don't blame Kyle one bit, either.
You don't become a NASCAR OG wife by sitting idly by, you know. It's a grind.
We have our first NASCAR engagement pictures of the year
Couple quickies as we head to Kansas.
Let's start with another NASCAR power couple whose been relatively quiet for a few months now: Zane Smith and McCall Gaulding.
These two absolutely tore it up during the offseason -- most notably at the Nashville banquet and then a Bahamas wedding -- and it looks like we're not too far away from their own banger wedding here in a few months.
Nice rock, Zane! And they say Truck Series money ain't worth a dime.
Bubba Wallace, Ryan Blaney bury hatchet as Hooters Gianna posts April dump
Been a while since we could appreciate McCall Gaulding. Good to have you back!
Good thing we've had plenty of Ryan Blaney's girlfriend, Hooters Gianna Tulio, to hold us over in the meantime.
Before we get to her April memories, here's Ryan Blaney throwing water on any potential beef with good buddy Bubba Wallace after last week's last-lap wreck.
Lame. What the hell am I supposed to do with that, Ryan?
Whatever. Here's Hooters Gianna to help us close this sucker out since Blaney was no help at all.
On to Kansas.
