Denny Hamlin Blasts 'Terrible' NASCAR, Bubba Wallace Shoves Boss, Chase Elliott Porn Star, Hooters Gianna In Puerto Rico

The good news? Chase Elliott flew into Martinsville to save the day for NASCAR and its floundering ratings. The bad news? The racing STUNK, the sport has destroyed short track racing with the new car, and not even banning Bud Light at all the tracks can save it.

OK, that's probably a bit dramatic -- the Mulvaney Light part, not the part about NASCAR absolutely butchering the new car on short tracks. That part was real and I ain't the only one saying it.

Depressed and Dejected Denny Hamlin was ... depressed and dejected ... after Sunday's track position race at Martinsville, and it certainly looks like we have a big (short?) problem on our hands.

We'll break it down like the OJ trial here in a bit.

We're not going to be Negative Nancy all morning, though. After all, we do have plenty to look forward to!

Yes, Chase Elliott returned after six weeks with a porn mustache, and NASCAR advertised it like Game 7 of the World Series. Hilarious, but smart. Seriously, who gets an entire commercial dedicated to their return after being out for six weeks?

Elsewhere, Ryan Blaney's Hooters girlfriend Gianna Tulio went red in Puerto Rico, Bubba Wallace tried to punt his boss into next week, and Kyle Busch is a douchebag!

Not my words, but you'll see.

Four tires, a sleeping bag so I can take a nap during this boring race, and maybe a Monster Energy (shoutout to the NASCAR sponsors!) for when I wake up.

Monday Morning Pit-Stop -- the 'Remember When We All Looked Forward To Martinsville?' edition -- is LIVE!

Denny Hamlin blasts new car. (Photo by Jared C. Tilton/Getty Images)

Denny Hamlin hates new NASCAR car

I'd love to show you some Hooters Gianna bathing suit pics off the jump, but we have to address the elephant in the room first.

We're nothing if not fair around here.

The racing sucked yesterday. Sorry, just did. Got a little better towards the end, but any time Ryan Preece leads the first 200 laps after never leading 200 laps in his career, you have a problem on your hands.

Sorry, Rhino. Nothing personal.

Don't take my word for it, though.

Denny Hamlin, give us your take -- but do it quick, before Bubba beats your ass!

"The package was terrible – it’s either the package or the tires. You can’t pass," he said ... among other things.

Whoooooof. Love that Denny's just given up trying to be PC this year. It's all out the window.

NASCAR, you guys stink. Kyle Larson, you lucked into a win. And Ross Chastain, F--k you!

OK, that last one he probably didn't say, but they do hate each other so he was probably thinking it.

Bottom line? This new car has done plenty of good over the first 14 months. I'm not here saying blow it up and start over.

But when you've completely ruined arguably your most exciting track and form of racing, you need to call an all-hands meeting STAT.

"They gave us a box with cars that are all identical," said cheery Joey Logano. "Well, we’re all gonna end up running that same speed for the most part. When all the cars are within a tenth of each other, you can’t pass."

Chase Elliott returns as porn star, but doesn't have porn star stamina

How about THAT for a headline?! Come on. Don't say I ain't out here busting my butt for you guys on a Monday morning.

Welcome back, Chase! Good to have you back in the saddle after six weeks of sitting on the (casting) couch while that pesky leg heals up.

You're looking ... well!

Incredible. Nothing fires me up more than when Chase Elliott -- and Ryan Blaney, for that matter -- break out their annual mustaches. Just oozes NASCAR and porn, and I can't think of a better combo!

Chase was solid in his return, and somehow pulled a top-10 out of his butt despite running 23rd all afternoon. It took a while, but the NAPA boys finally got the Chevy tuned up right for the final run, and Elliott passed a billion cars on his way to a 10th place finish.

Welcome back, Clyde! Now, let's work on lasting a little longer.

Bubba Wallace gives Denny Hamlin a shove

It's all right, Chase ... you'll get it back!

And hey, look who it is! Bubba Wallace AND Ryan Blaney -- our two next guests on today's show (well, sort of).

Let's start with OutKick (and Google) favorite, Bubba Wallace, who does NOT care who signs his checks.

Love it. Like him or hate him -- yes, I know most of you are firmly in the 'hate him' camp -- Bubba Wallace is a content machine week in and week out.

It's tough going to a place like Martinsville, too, because you have to move someone to pass them. That's pretty much the only way to do it nowadays, which puts guys like Bubba Wallace in a tough spot when you're racing your boss.

I'm here for it, though. I wish Bubba would've sent Denny into next week! We're in the #content business here, you know.

Hooters Gianna Tulio parties in Puerto Rico

Two quickies as we put away the crappy short track package and head to big 'ol Talladega.

While Young Ryan Blaney was busting his hump to a seventh place finish up in Martinsville, his better half was down in Puerto Rico doing Power Couple things.

And hey, she even switched out the Hooters orange for a little dark red for the big trip!

NASCAR fans love Kyle Busch!

What a couple of weekend heaters from Gianna. Nobody moves the NASCAR WAG needle quite like she does, and it appears the gap between one and two in the Power Couple Power Rankings is growing larger by the week.

Speaking of being No. 1 in the power rankings ... it's 2023 and people love or hate Kyle Busch now more than ever. I'm firmly in the 'love' camp for the obvious fact that people hating Kyle Busch provides us superb Monday Morning content.

Exhibit A:

And on that cheery note, I'll see everyone at Talladega.