PETA Supports Crabs (Insert Joke Here)

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PETA wants you to know that they support crabs.

The animal-rights group launched a new campaign where they scold the public for eating DELICIOUS and TASTY crabs.

The 30-second commercial is narrated by some woman with a British accent that I guess is their attempt to come across as ‘intellectual,’ but really it just gives me throwback nightmares of teachers yelling at me when I was in school.

“Few people think anything of harassing or eating these clever little people. They are individuals with feelings – absolutely capable in their own environments,” the lady decrees.


You know what?

I think the problem is that some of these PETA activists never actually tasted crabs, or lobsters, or a nice, delicious medium-rare steak.

If they did, they surely wouldn’t hate on the rest of us.

I mean, how could someone NOT appreciate this?

“Dinner is served,” my friends.

A nice tomahawk steak.(Staff photo by Ben McCanna/Portland Press Herald via Getty Images)
Delicious meat photos. (Staff photo by Ben McCanna/Portland Press Herald via Getty Images)


Then again, maybe we don’t want PETA on our meat-loving side.

What started as some legitimate concerns regarding animal-rights (yes, I also believe we shouldn’t be skinning tigers and leopards or killing puppies like Cruella de Vil) has turned into an all-out assault on anything and everything animal related.

When the organization goes from issues the majority of humans would probably agree with, into demonizing and publicly shaming people for not being in complete lockstep, their message becomes lost. Suddenly they don’t become a rights group, they become a propagandists and an unhinged activist group.

No PETA, I don’t think you should spend your time demeaning and ridiculing Major League Baseball for calling where the pitcher’s warm-up a BULLPEN. Or complaining about a “horse collar” tackle. PETA thinks a “Goodell Grab” which sounds creepy as hell, should replace the term ‘horse collar.’ This is what we’re dealing with, folks.

I’m sorry, but if someone is on the beach and they start screaming “I’m Liberating a Lobster,” I’m probably going to run very far away from them because they’re a lunatic.


PETA should also take a better look at their PR campaigns because the average person doesn’t think it’s right for them to post billboards and attack family-owned restaurants like Jimmy’s Famous Seafood in Baltimore, Maryland. They are going after people’s livelihoods with the massive treasure trove of funds that they have behind them. Meanwhile, seafood restaurants and steakhouses are just trying to make a living – something that has become increasingly difficult as they struggle to come back after state and local governments went power-hungry and issued lockdown mandates.

So no, PETA – crabs are not humans. The only thing individual about them is if I want an individual crab or if I want a dozen. Or if I want an individual container of crab meat or want to multiple.

And for the love of God, leave Good Burger 2 alone. Kel Mitchell needs this comeback in his life after seeing Kenan become a Saturday Night Live star for decades.

Written by Mike Gunzelman

Mike “Gunz” Gunzelman has been involved in the sports and media industry for over a decade. He’s also a risk taker - the first time he ever had sushi was from a Duane Reade in Penn Station in NYC.

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