NFL Power Rankings, Holiday Movie Scenes Edition: Some Teams Are Sexy Lamps, Others Are Horny Grandmas
Buddy (the elf), we've made it. The absolute peak of the NFL season is here. The peak of the calendar season is here (allegedly, I'll choose Halloween and Thanksgiving over this week, but you all already know that).
This is where we separate the men from the boys. The contenders from the pretenders. The Cousin Eddies from the Scrooges.
Cowboys-Dolphins? Ravens-49ers? Commanders-Jets?! One of those doesn't belong, but you know what I mean.
We've got a TON of action over the next five days. Last minute Christmas shopping at the Dillards, NFL action out the wazoo starting Saturday, the height of CFB bowl season, the excuse to drink all day -- just a TON.
Obviously we're going with Christmas-themed rankings this week. I'm a big fan of layups, and this one is too easy to pass up. BUT, I'm not going with a Best Christmas Movies edition today. I'd fire me if I did that. Too easy. Too simple. Too commercial.
I'm off for a week in like two days, so I need to really show the execs that I'm trying this week. Have to leave it all on the field in 2023, right?
So let's rank these (mostly awful) NFL teams based on ... scenes from Christmas movies! That's right -- scenes.
I'm currently writing this from a car dealership with plenty of time to kill, so I promise you it's the undisputed (shoutout to Skip!) list. No mulligans. No takebacks.
It's Week 16 NFL Power Rankings: Christmas scenes edition.
Let's be like Russell Wilson when he's not getting his ass chewed out on the sidelines, and riiiiiiiiiide.
Tier 1: The Christmas Vacation dinner table tier
A few weeks ago I told you Cousin Eddie was a Tier 1 Christmas character, and he's BACK! But this time, he ain't alone.
This scene is one of the best in the history of cinema from start to finish. For me, it's just so relatable. I have a big family, but my wife has a massive one, so I feel like I've lived this scene for years now.
The Pledge of Allegiance right off the bat made me spit out my drink the first time I watched it. What a twist. Didn't see it coming. Hilarious. Cousin Eddie standing halfway through? Perfect.
Why you crying?
Here's the heart.
You serious Clark?
I mean, it just doesn't get any better than that. I've been at that dinner table before, and, frankly, thinking back to this scene is the only thing that gets me through it.
Yes, we're BACK to six teams in this tier this week after a season-low four last week. I believe this is the fourth time Miami has made its way back to the grown-ups NFL table this year, and each time they piss it away the next week.
Will Sunday be different? Of course not! But, hey, we're having fun around here.
I've said for weeks now that Buffalo scares the bejesus out of me, and I'm already dreading the inevitable Bills-Dolphins SNF game in a few weeks for the AFC East. Buffalo does get the dreaded away game versus a team that just fired their head coach game on Saturday, though. Gives me hope.
Give 'em hell, Easton!
Tier 2: The Christmas Story horny lamp scene(s) tier
Big tier here, and that's why we kinda-sorta get two scenes. The Old Man in A Christmas Story literally makes that entire movie. Without Darren McGavin, that movie is trash. With him, it's played 500 times in a 24-hour span on Christmas.
The lamp from Christmas Story is iconic. It's sold at stores across this great country this time of year, and I even had a replica in my room growing up. True story.
The first scene above is great because of the fragilllllllllllle, it must be Italian line. I never got it as a kid, but it makes me laugh every time as an adult.
This below scene where the mom breaks it on purpose (allegedly) and then laughs while he's trying to put it back together is perfect from start to finish:
Look, the Chiefs are only this high because they have a semi-plausible route to the No. 1 seed yet again, which would make us all miserable heading into a new year. Nice.
Are they actually any good this year on offense? I'm a Rashee Rice fantasy owner, so I've been pleased. Other than that ... yikes.
I haven't seen a Monday night NFL meltdown that bad since ... well, a week ago. Welcome to the complete and total collapse on national TV club, Eagles fans!
Jags are next in line to get in, by the way.
Welcome to Tier 2, Brownies! Joe Flacco is such a legend.
Tim Beck!!!!
Tier 3: The Grinch holiday cheermeister scene tier
Ya'll remember when this movie came out? It was HUGE. I'm talking one of the most highly-anticipated movies of my life. It was way back in 2000 when Jim Carrey was still relevant (and, frankly, movies in general), and it's all anyone could talk about for weeks.
Cindy Lou Who annoys the hell out of me because I think she's a little full of herself, but Jim Carrey as the Grinch is maybe the most perfectly-cast characters of all time. I'm not sure there's a single actor in the history of time who could pull it off like he did.
Maybe Robin Williams? Actually, definitely Robin Williams, but that's neither here nor there.
This scene is Jim's finest hour in the movie -- easily. The monologue at the beginning is hilarious and wouldn't hold up today (I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I've found at the dump) and the slow-mo explosion ending with the intense music is excellent.
I assume Jim Carrey has turned into your typical insufferable Hollywood type at this point, but this was him at his finest back in the day:
Hard to envision any of these teams actually making any sort of noise past Jan. 7, but I reckon there's always a chance.
It's amazing how Gardner Minshew just wins football games all the time and literally nobody wants to just make him their starter. He's only playing right now because Anthony Richardson predictably got hurt two months ago. What's he done since? Oh, not much -- just put the Colts within reach of HOSTING A PLAYOFF GAME.
What a post-gamer from Drew Lock. Love that dude.
Rams are maybe the only team here that I think can cause a little bit of chaos next month. They probably should be higher. We'll see.
Mr. Unlimited!!!
Tier 4: The Four Christmases Gram-Gram scene tier
*NFC South team that we'd probably like to see host an actual NFL playoff game
**NFC South teams that we'll most likely be stuck with because life isn't fair
Four Christmases is such an underrated Christmas movie, and I'm not even scolding anyone because I'm just as bad as everyone else.
Up until this year, I've never really thought of Four Christmases in the pantheon of great holiday flicks, but for some reason it's been on AMC/Freeform constantly this month, so I've watched it a ton.
And I've gotta say -- it's elite. Vince Vaughn being a sneaky great Christmas actor (hello, Fred Claus!) is a wild career arc for him to take, but I appreciate it.
There are a ton of great parts from this movie -- Jon Favreau is in most of them -- but this little clip is maybe the most stunning line ever uttered in a Christmas movie:
The NFC South race is coming down to the wire, and I think we can all collectively get behind Baker, Baker the TD Maker, right? What a throwback performance from him last week.
Instead, we're gonna somehow get Taylor Heinicke hosting yet another playoff game, aren't we? Just watch.
Not much else to say about this tier, unfortunately. Most everyone else stinks. Congrats to Carolina on the big win, though!
Tier 5: The Scrooge (1970) hell scene tier
For some reason, my mother allowed me to watch this scene when I was a kid, and it still terrifies me to this day.
The 1970 version of A Christmas Carol isn't that well-known in the pantheon of ACC lore, but it should be.
For starters, it's a musical. Love a good musical around the holidays, especially when it involves someone as old and mean as Ebenezer Scrooge. Watching him dance around and sing with the Ghost of Christmas present? Unintentionally hilarious.
But this below scene is why this movie deserves your attention. How many different versions of A Christmas Carol have the guts to pump out this sort of content?
The Raiders put the final nail in Brandon Staley's coffin last week in one of the most embarrassing NFL games I've ever seen.
The Vikings probably choked away their best chance at a sneaky playoff bid.
Tommy DeVito's agent has predictably overstayed his welcome. He's a douche. Someone needs to say it and that someone is me. You're welcome.
Haleigh!
Tier 6: The Jumanji ending scene tier
Didn't see it coming, did you!? Don't you dare tell me I've mailed it in today.
Jumanji is a great movie. One of the best. Some of Robin Williams' finest work. You watch the whole thing on the edge of your seat with giant ass vines coming out of the wall and stampedes and psycho safari hunters, and then BAM -- you spend the final five minutes at a Christmas party with Robin Williams as Santa.
So, I guess it kinda-sort becomes a Christmas movie, right? Those are the rules. I don't make them, but I abide by them.
By that logic, I have to make this scene the worst tier of the week. Doesn't really fit with the rest of the above scenes, much like these piece of crap NFL teams don't fit with the rest of the league.
The Derrick Henry plummet this year has been tough to watch. Seriously, look at his numbers. I think he's cooked.
The Pats actually showed some life against the Chiefs but also lost, so it was actually a win-win if you're a fan of tanking for Caleb Williams.
I've never seen any receiver in the history of time as wide open as Cooper Kupp was Sunday.
I've also never seen a team quit on their coach quite like the Chargers and Brandon Staley, and I've watched some baaaaaaad Dolphins teams.
Bears receivers:
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.