NFL Network's Colleen Wolfe Uncorks A Preseason Bikini, Ring Girl Sydney Thomas Loves The SEC & Michael Penis!

Over the hump and safely onto the other side … unless you have two sick kids at the house and work from home. Nothing safe about that. 

What a mess. This is why I despise when my kids interact with other kids. Call me selfish, whatever. I don't care. It never fails. Every single time my daughter has a friend over, it sets our entire house back a week. Sometimes a month. 

First she got sick. Naturally, my 1-year-old is now sick, too. It's only a matter of time until I get it. I know it's coming. It's unavoidable. Fever. Soar throat. Congestion. The works. It's coming for me, the First Lady, and anyone else who dares step into this petri-dish of a house over the next few days. 

Buckle up. Let's roll. 

Welcome to a Thursday Nightcaps – the one where we gear up for the NFL regular season with NFL Network's Colleen Wolfe, and go from there. 

What else? I've got a couple Browns linemen slugging back Miller Lites after smashing skulls, Michael Penis Jr. ejecting life into Atlanta (not a typo!), and ring girl Sydney Thomas getting ready for SEC football by the pool. 

And if somehow you're not turned on by any of that, I've also got the lunatic wannabe mayor from New York being the biggest pussy on the planet. 

Yes, I said it. I don't use that word lightly, but there's truly no other way to describe him after this. You'll see. 

Grab you a Miller Lite, jet on up to Cleveland, and settle in for a Thursday 'Cap!

I'm all in on post-practice, mid-morning beers with the boys 

Hell yes. This one is for former Nightcaps teacher, Anthony Farris. This is the way, NFL. More of this, less virtue-signaling. Please. 

This is what we call the De-Pussification of America. Finally, someone had the stones to get this train going. We're all so soft nowadays, especially in the NFL. 

No more two-a-days. You can't touch the quarterback. God forbid you hit someone too hard across the middle. Have you seen the new kickoff? Disgusting. 

This is how you #GrowTheGame. Sometimes, to go forward, you have to first go backwards. Does that make sense? No clue. But I'm using it here. 

Nothing like slugging down a few morning beers with the boys after a tough day of work. This is how you hydrate. Forget water. Forget Gatorade. Forget Propel, which may or may not exist anymore. 

Miller Damn Lite with the boys. That's how you build chemistry. That's how you win ballgames. That's how you win championships. 

Also, I cannot WAIT for some woke Big J reporter to bitch and moan about this in Cleveland. It's coming, by the way. If not today, then when Shedeur Sanders takes his first sack in Week 1. 

They'll blame it on the post-practice Miller Lites. Bank on it. 

Erect the Penix statue, NOW!

I can just see it now … Maybe the Browns should focus less on setting a bad example for our kids, and more on protection schemes. Bookmark it. 

OK, let's keep this class NFL-heavy on this second Thursday of August, and jet on down to Atlanta, where Michael Penix Jr. and the boys have been FEELING it this week. 

First, it started with Penix taking on the entire Tennessee Titans defense after things got a little chippy during Wednesday's practice:

A) I've always been a Penix fan, mainly because I bet the house on Washington beating Texas in the CFB semifinals a few years back, and he cashed that ticket for me. Helped pay for an entire duck hunting trip the next week in Arkansas. Those things stick with you. 

B) I think he's in for a big season, especially when he's dropping his nuts on other players during a joint practice. 

C) Speaking of nuts …

Zohran, Sid the Kid & Colleen, oh my!

That was bound to happen, right? Probably not the first time, and certainly won't be the last. 

Do you understand how close the "s" and the "x" keys are on the keyboard? You're playing with fire every single time this season, TV producers. Head on a swivel. 

OK, let's rapid-fire this Thursday class into a big Thursday night before I start going downhill. First up? Hell, we may as well just stay in the NFL a little bit longer. I don't mind it, and neither will you. 

Welcome to class, Colleen! This is how you get geared up for another NFL season. And, perhaps more importantly for Colleen, this is how you audition for ESPN. 

Remember, NFL Network and ESPN are basically merging next season. You don't think there will be casualties? Come on. That's how mergers work. Colleen is making damn sure she ain't getting left behind. 

Next? Before we end the day with some SEC football talk, let's head on up to Staten Island and check in with the disgusting socialist mayor from New York!

This Zohran Mamdani character is NUTS. I can't get enough of him. He's such an insufferable socialist prick that it hurts my head. 

He sits there and acts all poor and like he's a man of the people, and then has a personal fan-holder to combat the … 89-degree … heat in Staten Island? Are you shitting me? Stunning, really. But also, not really. 

When that much shit comes out of your mouth, you need a fan to blow away the stench. Makes sense. 

OK, enough for today. I have to go work in a drink before my throat closes up. Take us home, Sydney Thomas!

It just means more!

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

You have a personal fan-holder? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.