McDonald's CEO 'Taste Tests' New Burger In Bizarre New Video

Ahhh, McDonald's! Who doesn't love those Golden Arches from time to time?

While other fast food establishments have sharply declined in quality over the last few decades, Mickey D's can confidently say they've been churning out the same subpar crap for the past several years now.

READ: McDonald's Pulls Bizarre, AI-Generated Christmas Ad After Backlash

I'm not trying to besmirch the good name of McDonald's. Hell, full disclosure, I just had a two cheeseburger meal for lunch today – and I've only been in the bathroom for 45 minutes since then.

All kidding aside, McDonald's has been the standard for cheap, low-quality food, and there's no shame in that; you know what you're getting.

Unfortunately, McD's is unveiling a new $12 burger called "The Big Arch" that is both a little on the pricey side and still kind of gross.

And who better to sell you peons on it than the CEO of McDonald's himself, Chris Kempczinski, in a video that makes Mark Zuckerberg's testimony in front of Congress look like the peak of the human condition by comparison.

Mmmmmm! Who's hungry after watching that?

There's a lot to digest here, and I'm not just talking about The Arch.

For starters, did we notice he referred to the burger as "a product."

Normal people don't talk like that! I've never gone to a restaurant to try a new food item and said, "Boy, I can't wait to try the new product!"

These people can't turn off their corporate marketing brains long enough to even fake being a human.

I also love how he has to convince us that he's eating the "product" for his lunch.

"No, really guys, it's so good! I'll even finish eating it after the camera is rolling for my lunch, honest!"

Then, our totally human friend Chris just can't get over how big the burger is, and while he's right about that – with the Big Arch checking in at almost 1,100 calories – he again proves how out of touch with humanity he is.

"I don't even know how to attack it…"

Hey, man, it's a cheeseburger. Just stick one of the ends in your mouth and bite down, I'm sure you can figure the rest out.

And, of course, he couldn't even get that part right, taking what I can only describe as a bite a toddler would attempt when you hand them brussel sprouts for the first time.

"That's a big bite!" It sure is, Chris!

It's so scripted that someone pointed out in the comments section that they had to put more fries in the basket between takes, despite Kempczinski never once touching them.

Naturally, our burger-loving CEO got roasted in the comments section, which anyone with a brain in the marketing department should have seen coming a mile away.

To be fair to Kempczinski, this video was doomed from the start.

Whoever greenlit this needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and reevaluate some things.

I don't care how sincere your company's CEO has been coached to appear, most of the everyday Americans buying his "products" are going to see right through the facade.

Hardee's/Carl's Jr. had it right nearly two decades ago when they just put a bunch of chicks in bikini's eating their burgers on TV.

You want to sell to a bunch of middle-class American dudes? Put Sydney Sweeney in some lingerie and have her scarf down a Big Mac.

And leave this sweater vest enthusiast to generate profits behind the scenes, where he belongs.