Golf Wife Jena Sims Samples Summer Bikinis, MAGA Bikini Congresswoman Scolds Woke CNN & Tiff Ann Gets Drunk!

You didn't think I'd miss the last Hump Day of April, did you? Of course not! I missed last week. No way I was missing two humps in a row! This is still America, after all. 

Can't believe April is in the books. Wild. After 32 years on this planet, I'm pretty convinced this is how the calendar works:

January, February and March are the slowest months of the year. We just draaaaaaaaaaaaaag through them. It's a grind. And pretty boring. 

April starts to kick things into high gear, and then we get May through August, which starts fast, then slows a bit in July before picking up steam when football teams report back to camp. 

September through December are by far the quickest months of the year. They fly by. Blink, and you'll miss it. But they are spectacular. 

But May ain't bad either. It's an appetizer of sorts. The start of summer. We jump in head first tomorrow. Let's roll. 

Welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we sample some bikinis with Brooks Koepka's wife, Jena Sims, and go from there. 

What else? I've got Anna Paulina Luna stuffing the wokes over at CNN in a locker right to their faces, a blue porta-john absolutely obliterating a poor Penn State sap, Busch Light Apple is BACK (!!!) and Tiff Ann throws it back to the 90s. 

And that's something we can all get behind. 

Grab you a margarita with Tiff Ann while we're talking about her, and settle in for a Hump Day 'Cap!

What a great day for old things!

I could start in a handful of places today, but we might as well head to the Chilis with Tiff Ann and start there. 

Quick question: how many of y'all actually go to Chilis? Personally, I'd put Applebee's higher on the Mount Rushmore, but I assume I'm in the minority on that one? 

I don't know – I've just never been a big Chilis guy. The chips and salsa? Honestly, it's overrated. Greasy, thin chips? No, thank you. 

I'm not a margarita guy – which means I'm also not a 30-year-old suburban housewife with a Trump sticker on the back of my Chevy Traverse – so perhaps I'm simply not the right audience? 

Anyway, while I ain't a fan of Chilis, I am a fan of Tiffani Amber, if you couldn't tell given that she makes a cameo in this class at least once a week. 

And, in this week's case, it's now TWO cameos!

Yes! That's our girl. Love that Chilis is dipping into the Tiff Ann well right now. We've been on it here at Nightcaps for over a year now, but the rest of the world is just now catching up. Sad. 

Remember, we set trends here. We're GOATs, not sheep. 

Speaking of the GOAT, look what ELSE made a comeback this week … 

What a terrible day for the wokes!

They listened. They actually listened. I've been banging the table for years now about Busch Light's unforced error, and I ain't talking about Dylan Mulvaney. 

Frankly, the Mulvaney partnership paled in comparison to getting rid of Busch Light Apple. What an egregious decision that was, made even worse by what they replaced it with … 

Busch Light Peach. 

Disgusting. Revolting. Insulting. Un-American. There are very few instances in life where a spin-off beer actually works. Bud Light Lime? Nah. Don't think so. Yuengling tried to make a light beer a few years ago, and I'm pretty sure it lasted about four days. Don't even get me started on the Lime-A-Rita rage from the mid-2010s. 

But Busch Light Apple worked. It was perfect. The perfect summer beer. The perfect golf course beer. Like a shitty 80s horror movie, it grew a cult following the second it was removed from the shelves. I tried one sip of the peach and threw it out. Haven't had it since. 

But now … we're back, baby! And what an ad! I can't wait to see these bad boys back at the Walmart down the street in a few weeks. I've already called my money guy (I'm low on his list of clients, clearly) and told him to start liquidating. Forget the future. It's the Summer of Busch Light Apple. Welcome back. 

And welcome back, Trump rallies! God, I missed these:

Penn State's new backer, MAGA Bikini Congresswoman slaps CNN & Michelle's whoopsie!

Amazing. And here I was thinking we'd never get a Trump rally again. I was so sad when the campaign ended last fall, because Rally Trump is so much better than President Trump. 

Don't get me wrong, both crush the insufferable media, but 47 has to be just a bit more reserved when the lights are on. Not at a rally, though. We get unfiltered Don during these bad boys, and it's the best. 

PS: We never actually see this girl on camera, but we've all seen her, right? Go to your Starbucks down the street – right across from the Chipotle, Home Depot and Target, and next to Dunks and Mattress Firm – and you'll know what I mean. 

Pink or purple hair. Nose ring. A choker, like it's 1996. Bernie or Kamala shirt. Either super skinny or tremendously overweight. The works. 

Anyway, good to have him back – at least for one night. Now, let's rapid-fire this Final-Hump Day-of-April  class into a big Hump night. 

First up? Let's all check in on the former First Lady!

Goodness gracious, she's just so insufferable. And no, I ain't touching the "slip up." I ain't taking any chances there. I prefer to not be sued, if at all possible. Y'all know what it means. You're smart. 

As for everything else she says? The pandering is off the charts, even for her. So much gaslighting. So much virtue-signaling. And it's all so, soooooo fake. Classic. 

In a world filled with Michelle Obamas, choose Anna Paulina Luna instead:

Get ‘em, Anna Paulina! That’s our girl! And how about the absolute nuts on CNN to blur out the pictures? I've never seen a side cape up for murderers and rapists quite like the lefties have over these deportations. 

And we all thought they'd hit their peak last year when they defended men pummeling women between the hashes! Little did we know they weren't even close yet. 

PS: speaking of insane hills to die on, how about the continuing fake outrage over these prank calls to NFL draftees? James Palmer wants the kid hung in the street!

"No repercussions for Jax Ulbrich." 

Huh? What do you want the NFL to do, James, give the kid the chair? My God. It was a prank call! It's amazing how soft people have become. 

Unless, of course, you're this kid. This, I get:

Take us home, Jena Sims!

Incredible. What a hit! I've never had the piss knocked out of me by a porta-john, but buddy, I'm not sure if there's anything worse in life. Can't be, right?

Once you get blindsided by a shitter, it's all uphill from there. I don't think it's possible to get any lower. I hope not, at least. #Thoughts&Prayers!

OK, that's it for today. Good class. Good final Hump Day of April. Summer is right around the corner, boys and girls. 

Be like Jena, and start preparing NOW. 

See you tomorrow. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

You excited for Apple? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.