Donald Trump Promises To Tackle The Single-Biggest Issue In America Next Week, And It's Mount Rushmore Worthy

Folks, our nightmare is soon coming to an end. Forget saving women's sports. Forget DEI. Forget gutting the insufferable deep state government from top to bottom. 

All noble problems, of course, and all dealt with by Donald Trump in his first two weeks. Bravo, Mr. President. But none of it comes even close to the next item on his agenda. 

The awful, useless, beyond woke, beyond insufferable paper straw era is nearing the finish line. That's right. 

Like I said, our long, national nightmare is over. 

Plastic is back, baby! Head on a swivel, sea turtles!

Let's get it, Mr. President!

"BACK TO PLASTIC!" Amen, Trump! Say it again for the wokes in the back who didn't hear you the first time. 

Thank God. Honestly, put Trump on Mount Rushmore for this, and this alone. I want his melon plastered on that rock by nightfall. There is nothing worse in this country than paper straws. Nothing. 

They are truly the dumbest thing we've ever created, and that is a long list. The Dems do a lot of stupid things – it's an ever-expanding list, frankly – but the whole paper straw trend? It has long been the dumbest. 

They don't work. By the time you go in for your second sip, you're basically just eating paper. They crumble like cheap tents the second they touch liquid. Because … they're paper! Of COURSE that's what happens. Duh. 

But because plastic straws are apparently the thing that's gonna push us over the edge, we went to dumbass paper straws years ago. Just the dumbest trend ever. Every single hippie coffee shop in America has them, and they're all equally stupid. And Trump is ending it next week. 

So enjoy it now, hippies. Better start investing in those also-dumb metal straws. Don't leave your house without it, or you're gonna be killing the earth with your next caramel macchiato from the Starbucks down the street. 

You've been warned. You have a week to prepare. 

Plastic is back, baby! More winning!