Donald Trump Plows The Green, Disney Sex Triangle, 'Super Pigs' Invade & Public Beach Shagging
I've sat here for the better part of two hours staring at a blank page trying to figure out how to start off our Thursday nightcaps. Seriously, how would you start a column that includes Donald Trump driving on the green like a psycho, a sex sting at Disney World, more sex in Australia and a Super Pig infestation?
Not easy, is it? Especially when you spent the majority of the night in a rocking chair because your 16-month-old was apparently fired up for the sunrise.
But, that's what I'm here for, right? To dig out of these holes like the consummate professional I am and make it work. Take all those random ingredients, throw 'em in a pot, give it a stir and hope for the best.
And on that note, let me be the first to wish everyone here a happy National Chili Day 2023! It's a billion degrees here in Florida, but you bet your butt we're gonna pay this day the respect it deserves.
Let's make some magic. First ingredient in the pot? The mean orange man!
We good with Donald Trump driving on the green? (Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)
Donald Trump doesn't care about your golf rules
I know Donald Trump visiting East Palestine and handing out some McDonalds is all the talk right now, so I won't bore you with the same stuff you can get everywhere else.
Instead, I'd like to talk about 45s golf course etiquette, which went viral a few days ago after he dared to do the one thing I'm legitimately terrified to do every single time on a golf course ...
Tell those stupid cart path signs to stick it where the sun don't shine and drive right up to your ball on the green.
What a power move here from Trump. Yes, I know it's his course, but whatever. Golf is worse than baseball when it comes to the stupid unwritten rules and being a gentleman and blah blah blah, but Trump doesn't care.
You hit an approach shot in the rain and wind and still give yourself a shot at birdie? Guess what, you get to drive right up to your ball, no questions asked.
So, where do we stand on this? Golf purists out there will probably faint, and some will also probably point out that one Donald Trump has a reputation for being a little loosey-goosey when it comes to the honor system during a round. Pretty sure he's been accused multiple times of moving his ball for a better lie.
Frankly, though, who doesn't? My God, literally 90% of my shots come after I've given my Noodle a little kick to the right for a better look at the flag.
Trump ain't exactly rewriting the history book with that one, though this latest power move of driving on the green is a bit more daring. Don't know that I'll ever have the nuts to do it.
Wacko Emily Kohrs loves Trump, too!
You know who would 100% drive a golf cart onto the green? This girl Emily Kohrs, who is something called a foreperson of the special Fulton County, Georgia, grand jury, which is investigating the 2020 election fraud claims.
No, I don't care about any of that and don't even pretend to know what the hell it means. That being said, she's apparently got liberals in an absolute panic over her recent media appearances because they think she's actually helping Trump's case.
Gee, can't imagine why!
Didn't know they let 12-year-olds be forepersons - forepeople? - but good to know with a kid at home.
I'll keep that in mind!
Everyone is having sex at Disney World
Know where they do let kids hang out? Disney World!
And you know what The Happiest Place On Earth doesn't want those kiddos seeing? Mickey and Minnie shacking up behind Space Mountain.
Here's a sentence Walt would NOT have enjoyed waking up to and reading in his morning paper:
Three Orange County deputies resigned according to reports last month after a sex scandal that revealed at least two of them had engaged in sex at Walt Disney World while on duty.
We don't have time for a deep dive because I have chili on the stove, but here's a quickie (yes, obviously pun intended) ...
Apparently, two cops started to have a naughty affair at the theme park, there was a falling out (shocking!) and one of them decided to move on and start up ANOTHER relationship with a separate officer.
Rumor has it, the odd man out of the love triangle then tipped off the powers that be that some nasty stuff was going on in-house, and - after a lengthy investigation - all three resigned.
If I can't have fun, nobody gets to have fun!
Cake by the ocean!
And if you think sex at Disney was wild, how about these two lovebirds shagging in the sand in the Land Down Under?
And no, it was NOT one of those weird nude beaches where anything goes.
You can go ahead and find the video yourself if you'd like. Personally, I'm not dying to see it based on that image.
Anyway, the headline is exactly as it seems. Random couple decides to just start having sex at a very public beach with hundreds of people - and kids - just running around and enjoying some fun in the sun.
The two were interrupted during the act and ... politely ... asked to please stop having sex on the beach. Seems like a reasonable request if you ask me, but maybe I'm just a little too conservative for folks in Australia?
And how about this line from the guy when he was confronted?
“Yeah, 100 percent sorry for doing that in front of kids,” he said.
My bad!
Great, the Canadian Super Pigs are here
Feeling a little disgusted after that? No worries ... the super pigs are apparently in town from our friends to the north and they're about to raise hell!
A wildlife expert recently told Fox News (great company!) that a crossbred 'super pig' from Canada has crossed the border and is poised to wreak havoc on the environment.
These pigs, which are a cross between a European wild boar and a domestic pig, sound great, too! Not only are they described as the "the worst invasive large mammal on the planet," but they also lack any natural predator!
Not to worry, though. The Doc who joined Fox News said the only people in America who should be worried are the folks who "eat meat, or eat vegetables, or eat any foods based on grain crops or spend time outside for any reason."
Ah, good. We're all set, then!
(PS: I ain't buying it. Let those stupid Super Pigs come down here to the Sunshine State for one day and see how unstoppable they are. Grandma Dean's running a little low on bacon, anyways.)
Climate change is about to mess up your margaritas
Couple more notes before we call it a night.
First, yesterday was National Margarita Day as Anthony Farris so poetically put it in Wednesday's Nightcaps. Take a look when you get a second.
OutKick's own Hayley Caronia, however, decided to kill the buzz by breaking the news that we're apparently about to run out of Tequila any day now.
Frankly, it doesn't bother me a bit because Tequila is gross and the smell of it makes me want to vomit. I'm a great American like Ron Swanson and only drink Whiskey.
That being said, my wife loves a good Marg and this could have devastating effects in the Dean household.
Happy National Chili Day!
Thanks for the report, Hayley. Keep us updated as this story continues to develop, please.
Finally, let's tie this bad boy up with one great big bow, shall we?
I loosely teased chili way back at the beginning so I could make my intro work, and now I'm going to bring us full circle as we celebrate this great American holiday that I just found out about today because I Googled it.
Here are some of the best NCD videos going around, mostly from Cincinnati and Scranton - for obvious reasons.
Truly, truly disgusting. But hey, I love chili so I'm not going to hate on it too hard.
By the way, I'm a beans-in-chili guy (pinto, preferably), and love adding beer and brown sugar to mine, too. Ever heard of bear chili? I'd recommend trying that as well.
My dad made that once back in the day and I still can't stop thinking about it.
And that concludes today's class.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Have some fire chili recipes? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.