CBS Reporter Melanie Collins Strips It Down, Minka Kelly Uncorks Heat & Kristi Noem's Poem Has Libs Scrambling

Ah. Here we are. The penultimate Hump Day before Turkey Day. This is what we grind all year for, boys and girls. The Season of Slacking Off & Bookending PTO Days On Fridays And Mondays is just about here. 

But not yet. We have another week to prepare. I've got a sick kid at Urgent Care right now – how useless are these Urgent Cares, by the way? – so we're gonna go fast today. No matter. We'll get it done. Let's roll. 

Welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where CBS sideline girl Melanie Collins uncorks a heater ahead of a big Week 12 in the NFL. 

What else? I've got Minka Kelly showing the world that Lyla Garrity still has her fastball, Kristi Noem reciting a patriotic poem that has the Libs in full-on retreat mode, and Bill Belichick gearing up for Duke the way any reasonable head coach would. 

Two, four, six, eight. Who do we appreciate?!

Grab you a carbonated beverage with caffeine to celebrate National Carbonated Beverage With Caffeine Day, and settle in for a Hump Day 'Cap!

JordOn's on a roll today

I've said this before, but I'll go ahead and say it again today to celebrate this great day: the diet coke from McDonald's is the GOAT of carbonated beverages. Not even close. I don't know what those folks do to it and I ain't asking, but it's the best. 

Also, while we're talking about my hot food/beverage takes, here's an email I meant to share on Monday but forgot. 

From Chris B. in Johnson City:

I read about B-Dubs having the best burger. Due to some circumstances, I ended up at B-Dubs tonight for the first time in a while. I remembered reading about their burgers, so I ordered the Hatch chili smash burger. It was a very good burger. I was able to finish the burger, fries and two tall beers without a problem. 

Here is my #take/challenge: I would rather have an Amarillo burger at Beef O’Brady’s. I know there are slight differences between franchises, and our local Beef’s is the best one I’ve eaten at, but it’s a good burger. Give it a try.

Thanks, Chris! I've long vouched for the Buffalo Wild Wings burger in this class, and I still contend it's the best one in America. I'd gladly give the Beef O'Brady's one a try, but the Beef's in my town went out of business years ago. That was THE spot back in the day, though. We used to have two of them here. Now we have none. 

One time, after a middle school baseball game, my dad and his buddy – our coaches at the time – took the whole team out to Beef's to celebrate a big win. They took down about three cold pitchesr of Miller Lite that night. Needless to say, they were quite literally called into the principal's office the next week when word got out. 

Apparently, it's not OK to hammer beers with a bunch of middle schoolers. Who knew? What a bunch of BS. This is America, Dr. Patche. Piss off. 

True story. 

Anyway, related to absolutely NOTHING (except maybe the middle schooler part), here's how Bill Belichick spent his Tuesday night:

Goooooooooooood luck watching MLB this season

Incredible. What a time to be a part of college football. How lucky are WE? Lane Kiffin is currently holding three programs hostage. The Indiana Hoosiers are the No. 2 team in the country. And Bill Belichick is prepping for Duke by attending his 24-year-old girlfriend's adult cheerleading recital. 

Bonus: JordOn is also taking absolute shots at Pablo Torre on Twitter. 

Amazing. We're so blessed. 

It's just so painful to watch – and I'm talking about both Bill AND the recital itself. Just pure pain. 

Bill looks so miserable, as he should. Has ANYONE in the history of time been spotted looking cheery at a cheerleading competition? Of course not. 

We can all lie to our kids and tell them how much we enjoy it – and I'm sure I will one day, gladly – but we're all miserable in the moment. Bill would literally rather be anywhere else in the world. 

But he's trapped in some ratty gym with 20 other people, all being put through the same torture of watching 25-year-olds try to relive the glory days. The heart wants what the heart wants, I reckon!

Anyway, for those who are sick of all the college football drama, the 2026 MLB season is right around the corner! (Not really)

Unfortunately, you literally won't be able to watch it because finding an actual game will be akin to tracking down Amelia Earhart:

Melanie, Minka & Kristi, oh my!

So, here's the cliff notes, best I can gather:

• ESPN now owns MLB TV, which means you're going to have to buy ESPN's shitty new streaming service to watch out-of-market MLB games. Pit of misery, dilly dilly!
• 30 games on ESPN next season, most on Thursday nights as part of a new national TV Thursday night package.
• NBC and Peacock get Sunday Night Baseball and Wild Card games.
• Netflix, inexplicably, gets the home run derby and "opening night of the season," whatever the hell that means.
• Fox and FS1, I assume, will continue to get plenty of games, including the playoffs.
• Don't ask me about TBS, TNT or True TV, I have no idea.
• MLB Network will have plenty of games, but you obviously have to pay for that, too.
• I need a cigarette.
• Play ball!

OK, let's rapid-fire this Hump Day class into a big night of humping. First up? Can't believe I missed this earlier this week, but Nightcaps MVP Kristi Noem rattled off a poem at last weekend's Secretaries' Cup that had to leave the Libs absolutely SCRAMBLING:

Hell yes! That's our girl. While the Libs obsessed over Epstein (which they can do now that Trump's back in office), Kristi was out at Fenway giving the fellas a pep talk for the ages. 

Unfortunately, it didn't work. BUT, it was a CLASSIC at Fenway. The Marines defeated Coast Guard, 39-38. What a battle. Cannot WAIT for next season. 

Next? Let's go ahead and stay on the gridiron (sort of) and check in on Friday Night Lights heartthrob, Minka Kelly!

Lyla Damn Garrity! Does she still have the fastball or WHAT? Goodness gracious. And bonus: she's got a brand-new Christmas rom-com dropping TODAY on Netflix:

Who has it better than us? Nobody. Clear eyes, full hearts, baby. Obviously, we ain't ending class without the theme song:

Chills. Every time. Every damn time. What a show. 

OK, that's it for today. Excellent Hump Day. Take us home, Melanie!

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

You ever had the Beef's burger? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.