Caitlin Clark Ruined Hot Dogs, Songs We Shouldn't Have Been Singing As Kids & Will Levis' Mayonnaise Cologne
Well, guys, the Olympics are over. So what are we supposed to do on random Tuesday afternoons now… work? Be productive?
Nah, I'd rather watch that Australian lady spin around on the floor.
But NO, they're taking that away from us, too. Shortly after "Ray Gun" blessed us with her kangaroo hopping, culturally aware dance routine, it was announced that breakdancing would, in fact, NOT be an event at the 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles.
Which is a real shame because the last time I was in Hollywood, I saw at least a dozen qualified candidates spinning around on cardboard boxes next to tip buckets. They could've been stars.
On yesterday's premiere of OutKick's The Ricky Cobb Show, Ricky argued that dumb sports like breakdancing and speed wall climbing actually cheapen the Olympics. And while I kind of agree with him on that, it got me thinking: What should be an Olympic sport but isn't?
Carrying all your groceries into the house in one trip? Navigating the grocery store with a few moody toddlers in tow? Running UP the DOWN escalator?!
Someone get the IOC on the phone — I'd like a word.
Meanwhile, my training continues for something slightly less ridiculous: The Kentucky Bourbon Chase Ragnar Relay. Although some of you might argue that running in a 200-mile race is actually very ridiculous, and, at this point, I might agree with you. Because this training is straight up beating my ass.
But Team Screencaps (a.k.a. Kinsey's Folly) started a group chat, and they are keeping me motivated. Absolute animals, all of them. And so I fight on.
This month is a good month to do it because I'm stone-cold sober. The Nightcaps faithful may remember from last year that I don't drink in August. I know, a lot of people do dry January. I don't for two reasons: 1) My birthday is in January and 2) Playoff football is in January.
So August is when I choose to reset and detox from a summer full of cold beers and eating whatever gets put on my plate at the backyard barbecue. Sober August usually isn't too bad, except that tonight I'm braving downtown Nashville for a Creed concert. So I'll be sipping on a strong Diet Coke while I bask in the melodies of the kings of underbite rock …and step over all the drunk people on the lawn.
Wish me luck.
For those of you who aren't participating in Sober August, though, grab yourself a frosty adult beverage. And have one for me, too. It's Nightcaps time!
Internet Hero Finds Olympic Chocolate Muffin Recipe
By all accounts, absolutely everything about the Olympic Village sucked. The athletes slept on cardboard beds in muggy rooms without air conditioning and ate fish with worms in it (because they ran out of chicken and eggs… I guess we'll never know which came first).
But there was one redeeming quality about the Olympic Village: THE CHOCOLATE MUFFINS.
The muffin hype all started when Norwegian swimmer Henrik Christiansen posted a series of TikTok videos declaring his love for their ooey gooey decadent deliciousness. Then, several other athletes confirmed Christiansen's claims that the privilege of devouring the Olympic chocolate muffins is almost worth all the E. coli they contracted from the Seine River.
I (a very serious Big-J journalist, as we established last week) reported on these chocolate muffins on Aug. 2 and discovered that they were from a French commercial patisserie and international distributor called Coup de Pates. But then a TikToker one-upped me: He found the actual recipe.
Jordan the Stallion (not to be confused with that lady twerking at the Kamala Harris rally) is the master of finding top-secret recipes. In fact, he's received multiple cease and desist letters from restaurant chains for teaching his 13.1 million followers how to make their food. So I trust him on this one.
Given the fact that I'm on this very serious health journey (until the end of August), I will not be making these muffins myself. Also, my baking skills are lackluster at best. But if anyone does try Jordan's recipe, please let me know if these magic muffins are worth the calories.
Or just deliver them to Murfreesboro, Tennessee, and I'll decide for myself.
Speaking Of Desserts…
You know, there's no need to fix a thing that is not broken. And this is a perfect example.
The people of TikTok are always trying to reinvent the wheel — and discovering things that have long been discovered. It's like when Gen Z found bell-bottoms and layered tank tops and thought they were Christopher Columbus.
"Innovation that excites" …LOL.
Anyway, the latest example of TikTokers doing too much is this new method for cutting cake. Instead of using a perfectly good knife as humans have for centuries, they use wine glasses.
(Also, I just Googled "when was cake invented?" so that I could make sure it has, indeed, been around for centuries. Nightcaps might be silly, but I'll be damned if it's going to be historically inaccurate. Turns out, the first mention of cake dates back to the 4th century BC when some guy in Greece made one with honey and wheat flour. So there's a fun fact to really wow 'em at your next birthday party.)
Back to this stupid wine glass thing. Watch:
There are a number of issues with this method — the most obvious one being the clean-up that I mentioned above. You're really not supposed to put long-stemmed glasses in the dishwasher, so instead of just washing one knife (which takes 10 seconds), you're now handwashing 8-12 wine glasses… if you even own that many. So as the designated dishwasher in my house, there's absolutely no way I'm going to agree to painstakingly scrape dried up icing out of all my crystal wine glasses.
And to all the people on Twitter who tried to "GOTCHA!" me by saying I'd have to wash 8-12 plates with the traditional knife method: If you're hosting a party with that many people and not using paper plates and plastic-ware, then you're doing it wrong.
Another problem is that wine glasses (particularly those thin RIEDELs) break very easily. All it takes is one eager beaver plopping that thing down too aggressively, and now you've got shards of glass everywhere. Then, nobody gets cake. Whole party ruined.
And finally, wine glasses are for wine — not some mediocre stale cake that's been sitting in the grocery store case for three days. That's just disrespectful, you uncultured swine.
But not as disrespectful as what the Arizona Cardinals are doing in Glendale.
The Cotton Candy Burrito Is A Monstrosity
And I want no part of it.
Somebody at State Farm Stadium — a space ship in the middle of the desert, with a Westgate shopping complex and an abandoned hockey arena next door — thought it would be a good idea to roll a bunch of random candies and cereals into a cotton candy burrito. According to Arizona Sports, this crime against humanity is filled with Fruity Pebbles, Fruit Loops, marshmallows, Skittles, Mini M&M’s, gummy bears and sprinkles, all wrapped in a cotton candy shell.
And this express lane rocket ship torpedo to Type 2 Diabetes can all be yours for just $15.
"We’re very well aware this is an Instagram world," Craft Culinary Concepts executive chef Sean Kavanaugh told the Arizona Republic, adding that they believe it will be a "social media favorite" this season.
Yeah, maybe if it looked even remotely appealing.
When I saw this, my first thought was BARF. But my second thought was that it reminded me of the marshmallow-Frito-candy-sundae that Kevin McCallister made in Home Alone.
I'm not trying to be a hater here. I love sweets, and I applaud the recent effort by stadium food vendors to get creative with their fare. Hell, I'd do nasty things to that White Sox Campfire Milkshake.
My colleague, Matt Reigle, wrote a scathing column about milkshakes like this one — claiming they are way too impractical and difficult to eat. But (respectfully) I don't care what Reigle has to say. I'd dump that beautiful bastard into a souvenir helmet bowl and motorboat it.
Besides, the Campfire Milkshake is just about the only joy left for White Sox fans these days, so let's let them melt into their sugar coma in peace.
And now that I desperately want a giant bowl of ice cream, let's talk about something that will completely destroy my appetite.
Does Caitlin Clark Put Mayo On Hot Dogs?
I know The Great Hot Dog Condiment Debate has certainly been had on OutKick before. (I'm Team Mustard, by the way. But I prefer ketchup on hamburgers. This is helpful information to have in the event that I'm ever at your backyard barbecue, and you want to impress me.)
Anyway, we could argue all day about ketchup, mustard, relish, onions, coney sauce and whatever else. And I'll respect your opinion. But one thing I will not tolerate on a hot dog… mayonnaise.
The Indiana Fever social media team asked Caitlin Clark and her teammates, "What's the most questionable food combo?"
Other answers included ketchup on mac & cheese (go straight to jail) and, obviously, pineapple on pizza. But Caitlin's answer had me grossed out.
After answering mayo on hot dogs, Caitlin did add, "You know who you are." So I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is not the one committing this culinary felony.
Here in Nashville, we have this local hot dog joint called Daddy's Dogs. It's one of those street meat type places, but it is just as good when you're sober at 2 p.m. as it is when you're sh*thoused at 2 a.m. And that's probably the best compliment you could ever give a chef.
Anyway, they put cream cheese on some of their specialty dogs. And that might sound bizarre to some. But I'm here to tell you it's straight fire. And I would never lie to you.
But I gotta know: Who out there is putting mayo on hot dogs? Email me at Amber.Harding@outkick.com and explain yourselves.
Someone else who needs to explain himself…
What Is Will Levis Doing?
Noted mayonnaise enthusiast (and Tennessee Titans quarterback) Will Levis earned himself an endorsement deal with Hellmann's after he went viral last year for saying that he enjoys mayo in his morning coffee, instead of creamer.
Trust me, I was as appalled as you are.
Late last week, Hellmann's posted a cryptic video on Instagram of Will Levis sniffing mayo and (I think) attempting to look at the camera seductively. The caption read, "Something luscious is coming. 8.13."
Naturally, this little tease left the whole world on the edge of its seat for the past four days. But here it is — 8.13 — and we have our answer.
Mayonnaise cologne.
I thought, Surely this can't be real. This is one of those parody things brands post on April 1, when we all get annoyed that our social media feeds are nothing but nonsense. (I say this as I write Nightcaps, which Ricky Cobb accurately referred to as "a well-curated hodgepodge of nonsense." But my nonsense is better than everyone else's nonsense — at least that's what I try to tell my husband.)
Anyway, guys, it's real. I went to the Hellmann's website, expecting it to say PSYCH! But it didn't. It led me to an actual page where I can purchase "Will Levis No. 8" for $8. A bargain, if we're being honest.
According to the website, "the fragrance opens with a bright, zesty burst of tart lemon that provides a refreshing and clean introduction." Follow that up with whiffs of mayonnaise and parsley then a slight undertone of coffee, musk and creamy vanilla. I almost ordered it for the sake of Nightcaps. But alas, it was already sold out.
Don't worry, though. "The scent of greatness" will restock tomorrow at 10 a.m. ET, if you're interested.
Back when I did social media for the Titans, there was a thing among Jacksonville Jaguars fans where they would reply to all of our tweets with pictures of mayonnaise. There was some inside joke in Duval that Titans fans were all fat buckets of lard who ate mayo by the spoonful. I muted so many of those obnoxious Jag fan accounts.
But my efforts were apparently in vain.
Who knew — years later — The Titans' QB1 would, quite literally, be the poster boy for mayonnaise? All I'm saying, Will, is you better be good at football. Or this video is going to haunt you until the end of time.
I Can't Believe We All Sang This As Kids
Real quick before we go, Robert "R.L." Huggar played the halftime show at the Big 3 Playoffs over the weekend.
Oh, you don't know who Robert "R.L." Huggar is? That's weird. He's a member of the R&B trio, Next, who sang that hit song about getting a boner back in the '90s.
Not long ago, my friends and I were having a discussion about how many of the songs we sang along to as children were sneakily and wildly inappropriate. And this is one of my favorite examples.
As a Millennial, I was a big O-Town fan back in the day. And they had a couple of doozies: First, there was "Liquid Dreams," which is exactly what it sounds like. Then, there was "Every Six Seconds," which is about how often men think about sex. I can't even imagine the cringing my parents were doing in the car while 12-year-old Amber was in the backseat loudly and proudly singing about wet dreams.
Which songs did you realize — many years later — were not appropriate for kids? Email me your favorites at Amber.Harding@outkick.com. We'll make a nostalgic playlist!
Because now, the art of innuendo is gone. There's nothing left to the imagination. We've got Cardi B singing about her WAP and Sexyy Red bragging about the color of her bootyhole. It's a sad state of affairs.
Let's open the mailbag.
Dave Opened My Eyes To Smoke Detectors And 'Racist Dog Whistles'
Last week, I wrote about my smoke detector battery going out in the middle of the night (don't they always). I messaged Matt Reigle about it, too, for The Gripe Report, and the very next night, his smoke alarm started chirping, too — confirming my suspicion that the robots are all conspiring against us.
Dave writes:
The Smoke Alarm beep meme started with Corolla/Dr. Drew but picked up steam recently. Basically, if you record a video and the alarm is constantly beeping in the back, it’s a low IQ signal. I’ve listened to shows where they play clips of particularly idiotic folks (think Joy Reid) and pipe in the smoke detector beep in the background as a joke.
As the above article mentions though, this joke that dates back to a radio call in show is now, of course, racist. And probably bigoted. And definitely homophobic.
Amber:
I had no idea this was a thing. But I don't care what color you are, if you are able to completely tune out the sound of a smoke alarm chirping — the very worst sound in the entire world — you're at least a little bit of a psychopath.
Fixing Your Battery (Daddy) Issues
It has come to my attention that there is a handy dandy battery organizer on Amazon that will save you from fumbling for 9Vs in the middle of the night when your smoke alarm starts screaming at you.
See, there are a couple things in my house that are none of my business: one of them is the grill, and the other is the tool bench. The batteries are in the tool bench. Do you think I got married so that I could be the one changing batteries in smoke detectors? Absolutely not. That's man's work.
But now I have a great stocking stuffer idea for my husband, so thank you Joe Kinsey and Screencaps.
Fw From Joe: Rory M. Shouts Out The Bills' Long Snapper
Amber had a TikTok of Bills players calling people to tell them they love them. The last one was long snapper Reid Ferguson. I think he called his brother, who is also a long snapper, but for the Dolphins.
Had a tee time down in Gulf Shores, AL this summer. We pull up to the 1st and there's already a guy there. Normally, you're like great, have to make small talk with some stranger all day. Turned out it was Reid Ferguson. Awesome dude. We ended up having a 4th who pulled up late with his probably 7-8 yo son with him wearing a Chiefs hat. I don't think the dad/son ever figured out they were playing with a Buffalo Bill the entire time, not even when his son lost his ball and Reid gave him one with a Buffalo on it.
Amber:
This might be the first time in the history of the world that someone recognized a long snapper. Most people probably can't even name their team's long snapper. Respect.
Stuff I Liked
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.