Apprentice Brunette Erin Elmore Turns On The White House, Sydney Sweeney Has Great Jeans & Tread Lightly, ESPN

A Hump Day full of NFL #content? For the first time since … January? I mean, come on. Who has it better than us right now?

Nobody! I smell it. Football season is right around the corner. I can feel it in my plumbs. As long as ESPN doesn't screw it up, it'll be smooth sailing from here! 

You'll see what I mean here in a bit. 

Welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where Apprentice alum Erin Elmore invades the Oval Office with her sister. 

What else? I've got ESPN scaring the PISS out of hard-working Americans like you and me with this potential RedZone deal, the liberal cat ladies on Nantucket protesting our great VP, Jaxson Dart and Anthony Richardson firing PISS MISSLES at the start of training camp, and is American Eagle back?

That's right. I said AMERICAN EAGLE. That one clothing store that used to be packed in 2006, but you haven't heard from in 15 years? They're somehow still breathing, and Sydney Sweeney may have just thrown them a life jacket. 

Are we back, or what?!

Grab you a vanilla ice cream for Vanilla Ice Cream Day, and settle in for a Hump Day ‘Cap!

Get a load of these wackos!

Obviously, I'm going to go ahead and pump out a Mount Rushmore of Ice Cream Flavors. It's a little too easy for my liking, but whatever. What the hell else am I supposed to write about on July 23?

1. Cookie Dough (the obvious answer here)

2. Mint choc chip (only mature folks will understand)

3. Cookies & Cream (but only with some solid Oreo chunks or why bother?)

4. Superman!

That's right. Superman. None of us have tried it in years, but we all wanted it as kids because it looked awesome. A staple of any ice cream parlor. 

I'd also accept a coffee frappé from the Pharmacy counter on Main Street in Nantucket. If you know, you know. 

Speaking of …

Tread lightly, ESPN

Incredible. Anyone whining about privilege on NANTUCKET is a gaslighter to the highest degree, and that works out well because there's a great spot called "The Gaslight" right off of main street. 

Obviously, I'm familiar with the island, so I can go ahead and speak about this. You're all full of shit. All of those white liberal cat women? They all married into money. I promise you. That's how it works. Don't for a second fall for it. 

And by the way, I don't try to hide it at all. I'm very honest about my roots. I grew up vacationing on Nantucket. 

My folks have owned a house there for two decades. My grandpa was once stationed on the island. I worked there for many summers, serving cocktails to folks like Robert De Niro (insufferable) and Drew Barrymore (very sweet, but she's become a real lunatic now). 

I got married on the island. I honeymooned on the island. I spent my first anniversary on the island. 

Listen up … they are ALL full of shit. It's why I defend folks like JordOn Hudson against Bill Belichick's stupid ex. 

Do you know how Linda Holliday owns a house on the island? Because of BILL! Duh. Don't let these white Libs fool you for one second. 

Anyone on that island this time of year has more zeroes to their name than you or I ever will. They married into money. They were born into money. And they now live somewhere along Cliff Road bullshitting their way through life and acting like they give a damn about the other 99%. 

They don't. I promise. 

Whew. What a RANT! This is why we need football back, boys and girls. 

Speaking of …

Sid the Kid, Apprentice Erin & I can't wait for the Colts' QB battle!

There is nothing more sacred in this country than Sunday afternoons with the NFL RedZone channel, and Scott Hanson. Nothing. 

Very few things in the world unite us anymore, but we're all in lockstep from 1-8p.m. every Sunday from September-December. 

I swear, if ESPN comes in and messes with one single thing, this country will fall apart. That will be the end of civilization as we know it. If those scumbags so much as allow Stephen A. Smith or Pat McAfee to even sniff Scott Hanson's dressing room, football fans will make Jan. 6 look like child's play. 

Raise the price all you want. I'd say, ‘Well, I’m not gonna be a customer anymore!' but we all know that's a lie. I'd pay $500 for RedZone. I assume one day I will. 

But try to inject any of those miserable ESPN talking heads into our sacred Sundays – Mina, Ryan Clark, SAS – and it'll be anarchy in the streets. 

Tread lightly, ESPN. 

OK, let's rapid-fire this Hump Day class into a big night of humping! First up? Get us started, Sid the Kid!

You know what's crazy? I recently cleaned out our junk drawer at the house for the first time in at least two years, and I actually found an old – unused – American Eagle gift card. 

Do you know how ancient that must be? I'm talking 15 years minimum. I honestly didn't even know American Eagle was still open. I figured, much like Boston Market, it was extinct. 

But apparently they're back and better than ever! And hey! Instead of using fat women or men pretending to be women, they're using Sydney Sweeney to sell some jeans. 

What a concept! Welcome back to reality, Am Eagle. I can't wait to hit you up at the mall this weekend! Auntie Anne's, Hollister, Am Eagle, and maybe the arcade on the way out. Maybe I'll give the Teriyaki Chicken sample a taste in the food court just for fun?

God, the '90s and early-2000s were the best. We had it all. 

Next? Speaking of that golden era, let's go ahead and welcome Season 3 Apprentice alum Erin Elmore to class! 

Amazing. Just amazing. I had no idea this Erin Elmore character existed, but I'm glad the algorithm pointed her in my direction today. 

She's a Fox girl, too! Fox, The Apprentice, and now Trump's Director of Art in Embassies at U.S. Department of State. What a rollercoaster. What a ride. 

It'll be NOTHING compared to what the Colts, Giants, and Falcons experience this season. 

Let's allow some actual NFL highlights to take us into a big Hump Day night. 

See you tomorrow. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

What do you think of the protesters on Nantucket today? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.