Anonymous Mailbag

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It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.

And up top, an important announcement, we now have a sponsor for the next year for the anonymous mailbag — Ryan Kelley’s The Home Loan Expert. I’m really excited about all the cool things we’re going to be doing with these guys, but what I want you to know is this — when it comes time for you to get a mortgage, for you to refi, or for you to get prequalified, these guys are such Outkick fans that they directly contacted me to let me know everyone in their office loves the anonymous mailbag and they specifically wanted to sponsor it for the next year.

That’s just flat out awesome.

Check out this ad, specifically addressed to anonymous mailbag readers.

 

We’re going to be doing some great content with them during football season, but for now, go check out their website and favorite it for when you need to get a mortgage. I guarantee you they will take better care of Outkick readers than anyone else because they’re reading the anonymous mailbag today just like you guys are.

Okay, on to the anonymous mailbag.

“I’ve been dating a girl for a few months now and we really like each other. She’s very good looking, athletic, great career and we get along well. I would like to do everything I can to make this work and give the relationship a chance to have meaningful longevity. However, I have encountered a pretty big obstacle here. I’m not a dog person at all. She is crazy about her dog. She lets it sleep in the bed with her when I’m not there (I find this extremely weird), she posts about the dog on social media very frequently and she talks about the dog a lot, etc. 
I fully realize that my opinion on dogs is very frowned upon by today’s society, but I think we have completely gone overboard with the pet infatuation in this country. I don’t see the value in them. They bark, they smell, they shit, they shed, they chew things, they cost money, they constantly have to be monitored. 
The dog has complicated the relationship and I’m only at the tip of the iceberg. She has the dog in a kennel next to us whenever I sleep over and honestly I can’t fucking sleep at all with that thing in the same room as me. I find it all annoying and inconvenient. Everything we do is dictated by “what about the dog?”  I need to address it further before the relationship gets super serious but I don’t know how to politely go about it and know she’ll throw a fit when I bring it up. Am I in the wrong? What do I do?”
The worst people are the ones who create social media accounts for their dogs AND THEN POST LIKE THEY ARE THE DOG!
Get the fuck out of here with that move. These people can’t be trusted.
I have some real sympathy for your anti-dog position here because I’ve never been a dog person either. That’s because when I was six years old I got bitten by a German Shepherd while I was over at my friend Neal Rager’s house because both of us had chicken pox at the same time.
One minute we’re having a great day waiting on my mom to come take us to McDonald’s and the next minute I’m petting his dog in the backyard and the damn dog, Casper, just jumps up and bites off half my face. Seriously, no warning at all, that motherfucker just went crazy.
The right side of my face was ripped up so bad you could see my cheekbone, I had a hole in my chin, my lip was split in two, I vividly remember standing in the bathroom spitting up tons of blood while looking at myself in the mirror with my face hanging off. I had to get over fifty stitches while I had chicken pox and it took a long time to get well from that.
So, yeah, I haven’t been a dog guy since then.
Man’s best friend, my ass.
Having said that, it’s easier to be a cannibal than it is to be anti-dog guy. Just ask Mike Vick. Whatever you do, you better not be mean to a dog. So here’s what you do — you lie and say you are horribly allergic to dogs. And how do you bring up that conversation? You lead into it by talking about how much you like her and how willing you are for the relationship to get serious, but you say that you’re horribly allergic to dogs and you’ve been afraid to tell her because you know how much the dog means to her. But that while you want to have kids one day, you don’t think you can ever have a dog living in your house.
That plants the seed in her mind — it’s you or the dog.
And if she picks the dog, that’s honestly good for you. Because do you really want to be with someone who treats the dog like it’s a person? This is a huge red flag. Plus, it’s a great story for the next girls you try to pick up.
Also, while we’re at it, a PSA: can we eliminate young married people from saying, “We’re not ready for kids yet so we got a dog.”
If I have to hear one more young married couple talk about how their dog is good practice for having a kid, I’m going to lose my mind.
“Hey, assholes, “HAVING A DOG IS NOTHING LIKE HAVING A KID.”
Either have a kid or don’t, but don’t tell me you’re more prepared thanks to your cocker spaniel.
By the way, we only have one animal in my house — a fish. Fish are great because if they die you can just replace them and the kids never know any better. Our “fish” is like nine years old now, the Methuseleh of gold fish.
I’ve got three boys under ten years old. The last thing I want to have to worry about is a fucking dog.

“For the last two years my father, two brothers (much older), and myself have faced off in a 36 hole golf championship. We take it pretty seriously although we are all crappy at golf (we all shoot high 40’s or 50’s for nine), we even have a traveling trophy.

So here is where the controversy begins- last year my oldest brother won it, and it really wasn’t close. After the tourney, during other rounds the rest of us started to notice that the reigning champion was cutting strokes.

My uncle decided to join the action this year which made us a five top, and the course of choice made us split into a three and two. We randomly drew straws and me and my other brother drew into the two group. With the three top playing ahead of us we watched and counted our brother’s strokes to the best of our ability, and at the end of the round he was nearly four strokes below what we had him pegged at. We asked our dad and uncle if they noticed anything off, and they responded that he played out of his mind and we are just sore losers. By the end of the tourney his cheating paid off and he won the tourney by only one stroke…..

Background information on my oldest brother, he’s a fucking hot head. He’s the kind of guy who is wicked smart, and can clearly count to ten. So he is just a cheater, but we all know if we call him on it he will just ruin the entire sport of golf and be a total asshole about the whole thing. In a casual round last summer we asked him if he was sure about his score, and he freaked out and was an insufferable asshole for the rest of the round. Additionally our parents have always treated him with kid gloves in order to keep the family together. Our mother will blow a gasket if we don’t approach this in the right way.

So Clay my other brother and I decided to take this to the all mighty leader of DBAP Nation, to help us find a solution without ruining the tourney or family.”

Everyone cheats in golf because golf is a really, really hard game.

Generally that doesn’t matter because you aren’t keeping score with winning and losing at stake. But when you are keeping score, you can’t cheat. And if your brother is cheating to win a family golf tournament, this has to be remedied.

So I’d suggest the following passive aggressive fix that avoids direct confrontation:

Have a scorekeeper.

You have five people, right? This means there is at least one extra seat on one of the golf carts. Why not have someone officially writing down the scores and tallying the shots for the entire group? (Find a place where your fivesome can play together ideally. If you can’t play a fivesome then use the official scorekeeper for the group of three and for the group of two, instead of keeping their own score, they keep each other’s score. That way the group of three, which your brother needs to be included in, has an independent observer and the group of two aren’t keeping their own scores.)

Bang, the scores are all official and no one is able to cheat. But you’ve also avoided having to call your brother out on his cheating.

“I have been on the adults shouldn’t wear jerseys train since I graduated high school in 2005. The last jersey I bought was a Peyton Manning jersey my freshman year of high school. I’m a team polo guy. I mean come on where can you really wear a jersey and be taken seriously outside a stadium? A team polo can be worn on the golf course, on a date, to church and in my opinion should be required dress to southern weddings in the fall to protest the bride and groom.

Anyway to get to my question I’m in a sales position that has Saturday and Sunday hours. Now for the most part am an intelligent human being and save extra vacation days to take off a lot of those days during football season but it’s impossible to have every one of them off. The company I work for recently adopted a dress code that allows college football jerseys to be worn on Saturdays and NFL jerseys on Sunday instead of our normal company branded clothing.

So should I partake in the jersey shenanigans on weekends or keep true to my beliefs? Also if I should partake I’ll need to purchase a newer jersey because that 15 yr old body that fit in the Peyton jersey freshman year is long gone at age 30, who’s jersey do I buy? Do I purchase a current player on my favorite team? Seems kinda weird wearing a jersey of a younger dude. I love Mariota almost as much as you but I was 7 when he was born. Do I purchase a jersey from a player in my younger years? Maybe a throwback? Or do I ignore the jersey dress code and be the only one at my job in company clothes?”

Here’s the solution: you just wear a coaches polo for your favorite team. If anyone asks why you aren’t wearing a jersey, say you don’t have any jerseys and didn’t want to buy one just to wear to work.

Plus, isn’t a polo more comfortable to wear to work than a jersey anyway? Do you really want to be wearing an ill-fitting jersey around while you’re sitting at a desk?

If you absolutely must wear a jersey then you definitely buy throwbacks from when you were a kid.

No grown man can ever wear a jersey of a player younger than he is.

Ever.

If you do this, you’re making it clear to everyone that you wish you could Eiffel Tower — with interlocked fingers — with your favorite player while your wife or girlfriend is between you on all fours.

“So last Saturday night I met this hot girl out at a bar on we talked all night, one thing led to another and I went home with her, so anyways I sleep over her place, wake up in the morning we exchange numbers and go our separate ways, she later texts me saying we should hang out the next Sunday, I go to her place and we end up going to dinner, while at dinner the news is showing videos of the Charlottesville rally and she makes a comment about Republicans being an embarrassment to America, I made one simple comment “ya and the left wing is a bunch of saints” (I am not a passionate political person by any means, voted Obama in 2012 and Trump in 2016), this girl pretty much lost her shit on me after dinner and she texted me saying “I don’t date people who support racism, I will see you around.” I don’t support racism, this was another example of the insanity known as the left wing. Looking back on it all i had to do was pretend to be a snowflake and i could be having steady sex with a hot chick.”

The funniest thing you could text back to her would have been this, “I’m not just racist, I also have herpes.”

 

And then never speak to her again.

“My boyfriend and I of quite a few years (late 20s, early 30s) are both interested in finding a third (girl) to join us sometime – it being my idea. Unfortunately, neither of us know anyone currently that would be a good prospect, so we’re just kind of stuck. Additionally, we work in a very conservative and professional industry in what seems like a decent metropolitan, but can be deceptively small, city. Meaning, most all colleagues or friends could not find out and I’m nervous about that. So my question to you, any advice on where to find/pick up our third and remain incredibly discreet? I feel like it should be his responsibility since I have no experience in picking people up, and just because I’d rather him do it.”

 

Easy call here, you go to Vegas and hire a hooker for your threesome.

That way you never have to see this girl again, she’ll do exactly what you ask her to do, and you can both go online and pick the girl that you like the best. It’s like picking a vacation destination, you can debate the pictures, the pricing, it’s just an awesome idea that makes it clear this is purely a purchasing decision for fun, not someone who we’ll ever see again to complicate our relationship.

Now maybe the commerce of it distracts from the sexiness, but I’d disagree — you’re both working towards fulfilling a fantasy without ever having to deal with it again once you leave Vegas. And does planning a vacation make it any less fun? Isn’t the planning for a trip and looking forward to it one of the best parts?

Using a prostitute in Vegas just seems like the ideal decision.

Good luck.

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

 

Written by Clay Travis

Clay Travis is the founder of the fastest growing national multimedia platform, OutKick, that produces and distributes engaging content across sports and pop culture to millions of fans across the country. OutKick was created by Travis in 2011 and sold to the Fox Corporation in 2021.

One of the most electrifying and outspoken personalities in the industry, Travis hosts OutKick The Show where he provides his unfiltered opinion on the most compelling headlines throughout sports, culture, and politics. He also makes regular appearances on FOX News Media as a contributor providing analysis on a variety of subjects ranging from sports news to the cultural landscape. Throughout the college football season, Travis is on Big Noon Kickoff for Fox Sports breaking down the game and the latest storylines.

Additionally, Travis serves as a co-host of The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show, a three-hour conservative radio talk program syndicated across Premiere Networks radio stations nationwide.

Previously, he launched OutKick The Coverage on Fox Sports Radio that included interviews and listener interactions and was on Fox Sports Bet for four years. Additionally, Travis started an iHeartRadio Original Podcast called Wins & Losses that featured in-depth conversations with the biggest names in sports.

Travis is a graduate of George Washington University as well as Vanderbilt Law School. Based in Nashville, he is the author of Dixieland Delight, On Rocky Top, and Republicans Buy Sneakers Too.