Unrealistic Wish List Of Deshaun Watson Replacements From A Miserable Browns Fan

Like just about every Cleveland Browns fan, I am a miserable Cleveland Browns fan. Deshaun Watson’s season-ending injury did nothing but make me more miserable. Then again, it’s mid-November. This is about the latest that misery has set in during football season in literal decades.

Generally, we’re miserable by the end of September, mid-October at best. This year, we finally had hope. Albeit the kind of hope that never felt quite right because said hope laid in the hands of the team’s handsomely paid quarterback who is also a serial public masturbator.

Take the good with the bad…I guess.

Masturbation aside, the Browns are 6-3. Generally, at this point of the season, that record is reversed. Watson was part of the reason why the Browns are three games above .500. Has he been great? Of course not. But he’s been much better than the other QBs on Cleveland’s roster: P.J. Walker – who has one more touchdown pass than me this season – and Dorian Thompson-Robinson, known to many as “DTR,” known to Browns fans as “the rookie who threw three interceptions and no touchdowns in his lone start.”

In last Sunday’s win over Baltimore, Watson appeared to finally be turning a corner and at least slightly resembling a quarterback who was guaranteed $230 million upon being dealt to Cleveland in March 2022.

That offered hope that an improved Watson coupled with a statistically great defense, could propel Cleveland to the Super Bowl. Or at the very least, the postseason.

And then we got to Tuesday morning and Watson was injured, declared out for the season. Re-enter the P.J. Walker/DTR duo.

Also re-enter the miserable morale of myself and all other Browns fans whose last names are not Walker or Thompson-Robinson.

Deshaun Watson will likely be replaced as the starter by rookie QB Dorian Thompson-Robinson. (Photo by Nick Cammett/Diamond Images via Getty Images)/

Watson Injury Ensures Misery Will Continue For Browns Fans

Enough crying. We can do that from now until April when the NFL Draft – and new hope – rolls around. Oh wait, the Browns still don’t have a first-round pick because they traded three of them (and more) to Houston for the handsy quarterback.

Let the crying continue.

I didn’t come here to fill my keyboard with additional tears. I came here to offer hypothetical, unrealistic hope to Browns fans in the form of Deshaun Watson replacements.

Never mind the somewhat realistic potential replacements being floated around out there: Matt Ryan, Phillip Rivers, Cam Newton, Nick Foles, etc. I am going to provide you with unrealistic QB options who would be guaranteed to, at least briefly, turn those Cleveland frowns upside down.

Baker Mayfield

It’s not happening. He starts for Tampa Bay. But dammit, we still love Baker. Hell, we were always team Baker > team OBJ. Last I checked, he and his wife Emily lived inside Cleveland Browns Stadium. I imagine that commute from Cleveland to Tampa isn’t ideal. Seems like a win-win. And what a homecoming that would be. Baker, the quarterback everyone identified with, comes back to the shores of Lake Erie to save the day, and hoist the team’s first Lombardi trophy.

Baker Mayfield could be the savior! (Photo by Fred Kfoury III/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)

Peyton Manning

What, you thought I was going to toss another retired QB here whose name rhymes with Slim Shady? Nah, gimmie Manning and his gigantic forehead. I don’t care that he’s already in the Hall of Fame and the last time we saw him play, his arm resembled a deflated tire. Manning’s supposedly buddies with the Haslam’s, owners of the Browns. Give the guy a few million bucks, some tv time and really long uniform sleeves. Who says no?

Peyton Manning is already used to wearing orange. (Photo by Chris Williams/Icon Sportswire/Corbis/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images).

Josh Cribbs

Wait, what? Who? It takes a real Cleveland diehard to recognize why Cribbs, now 40, would illicit hope in the minds of pain-stricken Cleveland fans. See, Cribbs, along with Joe Thomas (an offensive tackle) and Phil Dawson (a kicker) are the three most beloved Browns in franchise history – post 1999 rebirth. That’s how sad this franchise is. A left tackle, kicker and primarily special-teamer (Cribbs) are Cleveland’s Big 3. Anyways, Cribbs played QB at Kent State and often lined up as the wildcat QB during his eight years in Cleveland. Squeeze his now no-longer-in-playing-shape-ass into some brown and orange and print the playoff tickets!

Believe it, Josh Cribbs is already on the Mt. Rushmore of Browns players, according to fans. (Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images).

LeBron James

Did you know he’s just a kid from nearby Akron? Listen, to Cleveland fans, LeBron is like a hot ex-girlfriend who gave you the ride of your life then drained your bank account. You hate her, or in this case him, but you admit how damn hot she still is and wouldn’t be opposed to another roll in the hay. Same with LeBron. Is he incredibly self-centered and annoying? Absolutely. But he also won the city its first (and only) championship in a billion years. He was an all-state football player in high school. So surely, he can handle a few weeks as a starting NFL quarterback. Besides, his flopping would pair perfectly with today’s NFL. Imagine the amount of roughing the passer calls LBJ would get as the Browns’ quarterback. We’re talking record-setting stuff.

LeBron James already has a football jersey. (Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images).

Tim Tebow

Urban Meyer uses his Ohio and Florida ties to get Tebow to the Buckeye State. After checking to make sure Jesus is present in Ohio (I can verify that he is), Tebow – who beat the hated Steelers in the playoffs with the Broncos back in 2012 – agrees to operate the wishbone for Kevin Stefanski’s offense. Tebowmania would run wild behind the Browns’ offensive line and a decade+ later, “Tebowing” would again be a thing. What would Jesus do? We already know the answer.

Good luck to the AFC North trying to stop both Tim Tebow AND Jesus. (Photo by Gary W. Green/Orlando Sentinel/Tribune News Service via Getty Images).

Are any of the above five mentioned people realistic options? Absolutely not. But speculating about them leading Cleveland to a Super Bowl sure feels a lot better than the reality of hitching your wagon to an unwanted Massage Envy client, the least desirable Walker in sports, or a rookie with two last names.

Oh well. Anyone want a drink?

Follow along on X: @OhioAF